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Hi Guys,
Just wondered how many of you have tried giving up smoking and what methods you may have used? (whether succesful or not)
I am currently using an electronic cigarette (contains non of the carinogenics) and have managed to have no real ciggy's in 7 days. - and also have no disire to have one!
I have dropped the cartridges down to the medium nicotine from High and am still doing well! after a few weeks I will move to the Low and no Nicotine cartidges.
this is the most positive try I have had at cesation to date
Cheers
Rosebud
My new girlfriend told me she was not going to kiss me if I didnt stop chewing. seems pretty effective to me!
Hi Mike, Good to know I'm not the only person trying this route!
I am looking at ecigs as a short term solution, but I am too finding myself using it more than I would normally smoke!
I am going to continue reducing my intake and make my way down to the zero nic carts planned for a couple of months time, I figure that in the short term, even tho still not great for me the e-cigs are a better alternative, for a start they contain over 3000 less chemicals
I am already seeing some benefits, I am more awake, I have more colour in my face??!, I have the obvious benefits too, (Dont smell, etc etc...)
the first few days were hard, and I knew I was missing something else other than the nicotine, but I am now used to them
My long term plan is not to smoke at all, Me and the wife are looking at having another expensive habit ( A baby) in the next year or so, and we dont want to be smoking parents, I for one had smoking parents and feel this is probbably a part of why I smoke (and really enjoy it too )
I´m having a hard time with cigarretes also
Wanted to quit but no success till now...
Never heard of e-ciggies, I´ll find out more of them
orb3000 said:
I´m having a hard time with cigarretes also
Wanted to quit but no success till now...
Never heard of e-ciggies, I´ll find out more of them
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Orb, there is a lot of info online - google e-cigarette-forum
I found the site has a lot of info.
I know it has only been 1 week, but I would certainly recomend them (I have never gone this long with gum, patches, lozenges etc)
Cheers
Steve
me neither...
I cant leave that thing...
You know when I saw somebody that get a cig starts to smoke even in the tv i feel that i want to smoke too. I can manage to avoid do it in that case.
After the meal... sometimes when I awake at the morning, I smoke.
When its cold...
When i have nothing to do or im just walking on the streets i need a cig.
or when i saw any of my family smoks just fro the meaning of smoke or a nice spoken... i need to smoke.
and the last one... when i need to read a lot of forums here i need a cigarrete
My boss on my job told me one day long ago... i had that vicious thing on my life... but when my first child borns i leave it, it just need to have 2 big balls and hold it tight to void smoke again. thats all you need, guts to leave it.
Im smoking right now BTW
rosebud said:
Orb, there is a lot of info online - google e-cigarette-forum
I found the site has a lot of info.
I know it has only been 1 week, but I would certainly recomend them (I have never gone this long with gum, patches, lozenges etc)
Cheers
Steve
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Thanks mate, in fact already done the search, just trying to find out if it´s cheaper that they send it home or better wait 1 month that I´m travelling to USA...
Cheers,
p.d. Paisa ya no fumes!
well i might not be very experienced with cigs as most of you guys may be......
but still i managed to quit
i was 17 when i started smoking regularly
it went on increasing for a year or so
all it took to stop me is my girlfriend and sis who always shouted at me when i used to smoke
and a few nicotine gums for a month or so
i suggest you guys to go for nicotine gums rather thn e cigs they are a lot safer and they really help
(havent smoked a cig for about 3 months now and even stopped using nicotine gums)
smoked 14 years, and dropped it now... just dropped, no need e-cigs, gums and etc.. just stop smoking it easy. And now i feel myself maany better.
sheennick123456 said:
well i might not be very experienced with cigs as most of you guys may be......
but still i managed to quit
i was 17 when i started smoking regularly
it went on increasing for a year or so
all it took to stop me is my girlfriend and sis who always shouted at me when i used to smoke
and a few nicotine gums for a month or so
i suggest you guys to go for nicotine gums rather thn e cigs they are a lot safer and they really help
(havent smoked a cig for about 3 months now and even stopped using nicotine gums)
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Unfortunately already tried gum, and lozenges, and inhilator, and patches, and cold turkey, as you can tell from the creation of this thread none of these worked for me.
I believe there is no "one size fits all" solution to quitting smoking.
Cheers
Steve
rosebud said:
Unfortunately already tried gum, and lozenges, and inhilator, and patches, and cold turkey, as you can tell from the creation of this thread none of these worked for me.
I believe there is no "one size fits all" solution to quitting smoking.
Cheers
Steve
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mayeb then try to have someone to shout on you everytime you smoke(like sis ,gf,mom,wife)
girls are good at this
they will surely help you quit
it might be irritating but atleast will make you think twice before you smoke
hell yeah!
sad but true
9 years & 3 months ago my wife told me she was pregnant with our first child.
I stubbed out the ciggy I'd just lit, crushed the almost full pack I had, and haven't touched a ciggy since. All you need is sufficient incentive and willpower. eCigs, patches, gum, they can help with the symptoms of withdrawal, but they ALSO drag out the process.
Cold turkey lasts about 2 weeks tops. It's not nice; you'll be irritable and difficult to live with, but it worked great for me.
After about 2 weeks of not smoking, you'll discover some things.
* Smell. You sense of smell is seriously affected by smoking. Once your system is clear of it, you'll discover a world of wonderful aromas.
* Taste. Like smell, your sense of taste is also seriously affected by smoking. You'll find it hard to believe just how good food can taste now it's working properly again.
* Virility. You'll be amazed at some of the other things that smoking actually buggers up.
WARNING: Do not substitute snacking for smoking! There's a damn good reason for my nickname!
FloatingFatMan said:
9 years & 3 months ago my wife told me she was pregnant with our first child.
I stubbed out the ciggy I'd just lit, crushed the almost full pack I had, and haven't touched a ciggy since. All you need is sufficient incentive and willpower. eCigs, patches, gum, they can help with the symptoms of withdrawal, but they ALSO drag out the process.
Cold turkey lasts about 2 weeks tops. It's not nice; you'll be irritable and difficult to live with, but it worked great for me.
After about 2 weeks of not smoking, you'll discover some things.
* Smell. You sense of smell is seriously affected by smoking. Once your system is clear of it, you'll discover a world of wonderful aromas.
* Taste. Like smell, your sense of taste is also seriously affected by smoking. You'll find it hard to believe just how good food can taste now it's working properly again.
* Virility. You'll be amazed at some of the other things that smoking actually buggers up.
WARNING: Do not substitute snacking for smoking! There's a damn good reason for my nickname!
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I quit 5 years ago, I even have constant nightmares about smoking again. The gum, patchs, etc help to smooth over the initial shock of quitting, but you really really really have to want to quit. You have to hate cigarettes and truely not want to smoke them.
I found myself bargaining with myself.. "oh one now and never again" or " one now and then when I'm older I will go back to smoking".. The answer had to be NO NO NO NO NO NO NEVER AGAIN..
Good luck folks, set yourself free
i quit smoking 3 years ago and since then never looked back and felt a need. Its quite easy to quit, but you have to have will power and determination. And mind it when you feel that you want to quit, never run for a last drag, then just quit.
I quit several years ago. Tried first not smoking at all, but two weeks later I was in hell. Then I tried gradually with simple goals like today I'll only do 5, then today I'll just do one, and so on. Until it was like today I won't smoke but I'll have 2 tomorrow. Currently I don't smoke, but I can have 1 cigarette socially from time to time, though I don't really enjoy it that much anymore (because of the smell).
I've just quit cold turkey 59 days ago. The first 4 were critical. After that, all went well. It's just a matter of will. Take it as a test: could you or could you not?
I had been smoking for 25 years, ever since I was 13, and tried everything. And I do mean everything, short of resting on my head, upside down for 30 days. Have tried the gum, the patches, etc. etc.
The solution that I found that works for me, but maybe not for many is Chantix. I was taken a little aback by the price of it. It was $120 dollars for a months prescription. (I used it for 4 months and am completely cigarette free for almost a year now.) And I am a Pharmacy Technician and work at a chain pharmacy!! The problem is, many insurances just does not cover it yet. But when you think about it -- at the minimum 1 pack of cigarettes per day is roughly $3-$4. Multiply that times 30 days = $120. So for me, it was worth it.
Chantix works with certain receptors in your brain. When you smoke, these "pleasure" receptors are active and therefore you get a reward response for smoking. Chantix blocks, fewer then more with continued use, these receptors. So without the receptors being active your body says "whats the point", and doesn't desire nicotine, and smoking. Now, besides the price, there is one pretty big con in the pros and cons of Chantix. You WILL have strange and VERY intense and vivid dreams while sleeping. At times scary, at other times just confusing. This interfered with my sleep a lot, but after about a month they started to be more normal. Granted, this might not have been from the Chantix, it could have been withdrawal from nicotine. I mean, nicotine is a drug.
No course will work for everyone, and you really have to have the desire and willpower to quit smoking. Honestly, I think another reason for my success is that I didn't want to go back to having the dreams again.
Good luck to all that are quitting, and believe me, it is really worth it. I can actually taste food again, smell nature around me, save $120 bux a month, hopefully live longer, breathe better, and have a lot, LOT, more energy.
I quit about a month and a half ago, smoked for 26 years. I'm using that pill chantix, and it seems to be working.. I haven't had a smoke, and I haven't killed any one, and haven't had the urge to kill.. yet. <evil grin>
lindsay11 said:
Smoking? Duh! It's very dangerous to our health. But why do others take it as a habit? They are crazy! It does nothing good to our life.
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well there are many reasons which would make someone start smoking
like being a cool kid in school to using cigs as stress busters
and here in india we(college/school students) generally smoke to supress sleep to study and perform well in exams(there is a large group that does it just for being cool though)
there have been times when i had to study for more than 30 hrs at a stretch
so at those times you really dont have any option rather than to smoke
(studying in india is harsh you REALLY have to work hard to stay in the competition)
Hey Guys,
so I'm 14 and coloured and my whole Village and school is full of "white",
i mean i have many friends but my computer science teacher is such a b***h.
She bullying on me where ever she can's just like in this project she said to me i have to use all the basic html comands without div's and so on. But to my other "white" classmates she said that they can usw everythung she helps them and when the others are disturbing the teaching lessons everytime she yells at me. my whole class thinks that she hates me...
So how would you handle it?
BTW: sry for my Bad english Dudes i'm living in Germany
milestone97 said:
Hey Guys,
so I'm 14 and coloured and my whole Village and school is full of "white",
i mean i have many friends but my computer science teacher is such a b***h.
She bullying on me where ever she can's just like in this project she said to me i have to use all the basic html comands without div's and so on. But to my other "white" classmates she said that they can usw everythung she helps them and when the others are disturbing the teaching lessons everytime she yells at me. my whole class thinks that she hates me...
So how would you handle it?
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you take away her power, dont try to handle it with her, go her supervisor, ie the rector and report her. Aslong as you and you classmates and her are involved she will have the power.
If you want to do however want to solve it between you and her, start by talk to her straight up about the situation. If she dont accknowledge or take you serious, then tell her that you are heading to the rectors office.
Dont be afraid to start some beef, if you keep ignoring stuff like this then I can assure you wil send a signal that it is okey to do it.
Sent from my Transformer TF101 using Tapatalk
I already wanted to go there with my friends but she's a kind of teacher if you say something wrong she won't forget it, oh yeah and my nice headteacher -_-, 2 years ago i start to went to go in a laptop class i and my friend got a virus, where the systemadministraor said that was our own fault and i have to transfer 30 bucks to the bankaccount from the school, we done it already that that day bit one week later my headteacher came into the class took my laptop and heavily shouted at me so that i began start crying but he didn't stop he was contunine,
even my class teacher said that he was overacting, when i get home my dad calles the headmaster and said that whats he problem war after a quick talk my headteacher admit that he didn't look for along 3 weeks at his Bankaccount if the money was already there, so he just yelled at me without any information but my White friend didn't had any problems
Call the Police?
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milestone97 said:
I already wanted to go there with my friends but she's a kind of teacher if you say something wrong she won't forget it, oh yeah and my nice headteacher -_-, 2 years ago i start to went to go in a laptop class i and my friend got a virus, where the systemadministraor said that was our own fault and i have to transfer 30 bucks to the bankaccount from the school, we done it already that that day bit one week later my headteacher came into the class took my laptop and heavily shouted at me so that i began start crying but he didn't stop he was contunine,
even my class teacher said that he was overacting, when i get home my dad calles the headmaster and said that whats he problem war after a quick talk my headteacher admit that he didn't look for along 3 weeks at his Bankaccount if the money was already there, so he just yelled at me without any information but my White friend didn't had any problems
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Is the headteacher your rector? you need to talk to someone who can do something about it, ask your dad or anyone who maybe have time to join you in class, to let the teachers know that you are not alone in this. If it doesnt help then you bring media attention to it. Dont worry, your father seems like he can protect you no matter what.
Sent from my Transformer TF101 using Tapatalkr
milestone97 said:
I already wanted to go there with my friends but she's a kind of teacher if you say something wrong she won't forget it, oh yeah and my nice headteacher -_-, 2 years ago i start to went to go in a laptop class i and my friend got a virus, where the systemadministraor said that was our own fault and i have to transfer 30 bucks to the bankaccount from the school, we done it already that that day bit one week later my headteacher came into the class took my laptop and heavily shouted at me so that i began start crying but he didn't stop he was contunine,
even my class teacher said that he was overacting, when i get home my dad calles the headmaster and said that whats he problem war after a quick talk my headteacher admit that he didn't look for along 3 weeks at his Bankaccount if the money was already there, so he just yelled at me without any information but my White friend didn't had any problems
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In the US, we have superintendents over school districts. There should be something similar for you. Unless schools are privately owned and funded then you may have nobody to go to other than the headmaster.
If you were in the US, I'd have more advice to give. I just don't know how things work there.
Either way, you don't deserve it. Don't just sit back and take it. You need to stand up for yourself. I'm sorry this is happening to you, racism is something that no one should tolerate - regardless of race.
Take a sound recorder, keep recording until there's racism, when you've got enough evidence show it to your local council or someone in power, such as school governors and your parents
Sent from my HTC Vision using XDA
The thing is that they won't call me a ****** at least the teachers...
i mean there many guys who made racism jokes when i'm around or they have massivly prejudice, that many tiny things over the years that let you feel different... like the thing where my neighbours collected signatures cause our house is concealeing them their sun so they wanted us to move out.
BTW: I don't know if we have something like a superitendor^^
Oh yeah and the headteacher and recoter is the same in germany
How about changing school? Are the other schools in the area that you can switch to?
No... how i said this is a small village... i just wanted to wait cause next year i will be finished with this school and will going to another school in a city with more foreigners
So what the racism here? You think because you black she using racism on you, maybe its just they you see it.
milestone97 said:
Hey Guys,
so I'm 14 and coloured and my whole Village and school is full of "white",
i mean i have many friends but my computer science teacher is such a b***h.
She bullying on me where ever she can's just like in this project she said to me i have to use all the basic html comands without div's and so on. But to my other "white" classmates she said that they can usw everythung she helps them and when the others are disturbing the teaching lessons everytime she yells at me. my whole class thinks that she hates me...
So how would you handle it?
BTW: sry for my Bad english Dudes i'm living in Germany
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The first question is how do you behave in class?
It is very easy as a teenager to feel that teachers are out to get you when their actions can be understandable.
We had someone in our class who messed around and was passive aggressive to the teachers. As far as he was concerned the teachers had it in for him, as far as they were concerned he was a troublesome child who took up too much of their time to the detriment of the other kids.
Now, just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you.
Some teachers would target him and one tried to get him suspended. She was an art teacher and hated by most students, so one day they all lined up the stairs to the art room blocking the hand rail from her, she slipped. Rather than blame the kids who had caused the accident, she tried to have my friend suspended even though he was sat in the class nowhere near the stairs, behaving himself. She said because he was a disruptive child she was busy thinking what to do with him during the lesson so slipped on the stairs. Thankfully another teacher pointed out how stupid she was being.
Our head of year used to poke kids with the force of a punch, so if they complained it didn't sound that bad and would be ignored, imagine it, saying "he poked me really hard" it doesn't sound serious does it?
If you are genuinely always well behaved, never disrupt the class and are being unfairly harassed, then your parents must get involved and complain formally.
Who runs the school? In the UK most are run by the county council so a complaint can be made to them. Schools also often have governors; parents who help run and guide the school, if you have them get your parents to complain to them.
*Warning!* Contains content that you may not agree with!
I was going through my hard drive and found this cached from Gizmodo, about a year ago. Mature responses only, please! And remember, you can talk to people about your worries, you really can.
Bill Zeller * 2011
I have the urge to declare my sanity and justify my actions, but I assume I'll never be able to convince anyone that this was the right decision. Maybe it's true that anyone who does this is insane by definition, but I can at least explain my reasoning. I considered not writing any of this because of how personal it is, but I like tying up loose ends and don't want people to wonder why I did this. Since I've never spoken to anyone about what happened to me, people would likely draw the wrong conclusions.
My first memories as a child are of being raped, repeatedly. This has affected every aspect of my life. This darkness, which is the only way I can describe it, has followed me like a fog, but at times intensified and overwhelmed me, usually triggered by a distinct situation. In kindergarten I couldn't use the bathroom and would stand petrified whenever I needed to, which started a trend of awkward and unexplained social behavior. The damage that was done to my body still prevents me from using the bathroom normally, but now it's less of a physical impediment than a daily reminder of what was done to me.
This darkness followed me as I grew up. I remember spending hours playing with legos, having my world consist of me and a box of cold, plastic blocks. Just waiting for everything to end. It's the same thing I do now, but instead of legos it's surfing the web or reading or listening to a baseball game. Most of my life has been spent feeling dead inside, waiting for my body to catch up.
At times growing up I would feel inconsolable rage, but I never connected this to what happened until puberty. I was able to keep the darkness at bay for a few hours at a time by doing things that required intense concentration, but it would always come back. Programming appealed to me for this reason. I was never particularly fond of computers or mathematically inclined, but the temporary peace it would provide was like a drug. But the darkness always returned and built up something like a tolerance, because programming has become less and less of a refuge.
The darkness is with me nearly every time I wake up. I feel like a grime is covering me. I feel like I'm trapped in a contimated body that no amount of washing will clean. Whenever I think about what happened I feel manic and itchy and can't concentrate on anything else. It manifests itself in hours of eating or staying up for days at a time or sleeping for sixteen hours straight or week long programming binges or constantly going to the gym. I'm exhausted from feeling like this every hour of every day.
Three to four nights a week I have nightmares about what happened. It makes me avoid sleep and constantly tired, because sleeping with what feels like hours of nightmares is not restful. I wake up sweaty and furious. I'm reminded every morning of what was done to me and the control it has over my life.
I've never been able to stop thinking about what happened to me and this hampered my social interactions. I would be angry and lost in thought and then be interrupted by someone saying "Hi" or making small talk, unable to understand why I seemed cold and distant. I walked around, viewing the outside world from a distant portal behind my eyes, unable to perform normal human niceties. I wondered what it would be like to take to other people without what happened constantly on my mind, and I wondered if other people had similar experiences that they were better able to mask.
Alcohol was also something that let me escape the darkness. It would always find me later, though, and it was always angry that I managed to escape and it made me pay. Many of the irresponsible things I did were the result of the darkness. Obviously I'm responsible for every decision and action, including this one, but there are reasons why things happen the way they do.
Alcohol and other drugs provided a way to ignore the realities of my situation. It was easy to spend the night drinking and forget that I had no future to look forward to. I never liked what alcohol did to me, but it was better than facing my existence honestly. I haven't touched alcohol or any other drug in over seven months (and no drugs or alcohol will be involved when I do this) and this has forced me to evaluate my life in an honest and clear way. There's no future here. The darkness will always be with me.
I used to think if I solved some problem or achieved some goal, maybe he would leave. It was comforting to identify tangible issues as the source of my problems instead of something that I'll never be able to change. I thought that if I got into to a good college, or a good grad school, or lost weight, or went to the gym nearly every day for a year, or created programs that millions of people used, or spent a summer or California or New York or published papers that I was proud of, then maybe I would feel some peace and not be constantly haunted and unhappy. But nothing I did made a dent in how depressed I was on a daily basis and nothing was in any way fulfilling. I'm not sure why I ever thought that would change anything.
I didn't realize how deep a hold he had on me and my life until my first relationship. I stupidly assumed that no matter how the darkness affected me personally, my romantic relationships would somehow be separated and protected. Growing up I viewed my future relationships as a possible escape from this thing that haunts me every day, but I began to realize how entangled it was with every aspect of my life and how it is never going to release me. Instead of being an escape, relationships and romantic contact with other people only intensified everything about him that I couldn't stand. I will never be able to have a relationship in which he is not the focus, affecting every aspect of my romantic interactions.
Relationships always started out fine and I'd be able to ignore him for a few weeks. But as we got closer emotionally the darkness would return and every night it'd be me, her and the darkness in a black and gruesome threesome. He would surround me and penetrate me and the more we did the more intense it became. It made me hate being touched, because as long as we were separated I could view her like an outsider viewing something good and kind and untainted. Once we touched, the darkness would envelope her too and take her over and the evil inside me would surround her. I always felt like I was infecting anyone I was with.
Relationships didn't work. No one I dated was the right match, and I thought that maybe if I found the right person it would overwhelm him. Part of me knew that finding the right person wouldn't help, so I became interested in girls who obviously had no interest in me. For a while I thought I was gay. I convinced myself that it wasn't the darkness at all, but rather my orientation, because this would give me control over why things didn't feel "right". The fact that the darkness affected sexual matters most intensely made this idea make some sense and I convinced myself of this for a number of years, starting in college after my first relationship ended. I told people I was gay (at Trinity, not at Princeton), even though I wasn't attracted to men and kept finding myself interested in girls. Because if being gay wasn't the answer, then what was? People thought I was avoiding my orientation, but I was actually avoiding the truth, which is that while I'm straight, I will never be content with anyone. I know now that the darkness will never leave.
Last spring I met someone who was unlike anyone else I'd ever met. Someone who showed me just how well two people could get along and how much I could care about another human being. Someone I know I could be with and love for the rest of my life, if I weren't so ****ed up. Amazingly, she liked me. She liked the shell of the man the darkness had left behind. But it didn't matter because I couldn't be alone with her. It was never just the two of us, it was always the three of us: her, me and the darkness. The closer we got, the more intensely I'd feel the darkness, like some evil mirror of my emotions. All the closeness we had and I loved was complemented by agony that I couldn't stand, from him. I realized that I would never be able to give her, or anyone, all of me or only me. She could never have me without the darkness and evil inside me. I could never have just her, without the darkness being a part of all of our interactions. I will never be able to be at peace or content or in a healthy relationship. I realized the futility of the romantic part of my life. If I had never met her, I would have realized this as soon as I met someone else who I meshed similarly well with. It's likely that things wouldn't have worked out with her and we would have broken up (with our relationship ending, like the majority of relationships do) even if I didn't have this problem, since we only dated for a short time. But I will face exactly the same problems with the darkness with anyone else. Despite my hopes, love and compatability is not enough. Nothing is enough. There's no way I can fix this or even push the darkness down far enough to make a relationship or any type of intimacy feasible.
So I watched as things fell apart between us. I had put an explicit time limit on our relationship, since I knew it couldn't last because of the darkness and didn't want to hold her back, and this caused a variety of problems. She was put in an unnatural situation that she never should have been a part of. It must have been very hard for her, not knowing what was actually going on with me, but this is not something I've ever been able to talk about with anyone. Losing her was very hard for me as well. Not because of her (I got over our relationship relatively quickly), but because of the realization that I would never have another relationship and because it signified the last true, exclusive personal connection I could ever have. This wasn't apparent to other people, because I could never talk about the real reasons for my sadness. I was very sad in the summer and fall, but it was not because of her, it was because I will never escape the darkness with anyone. She was so loving and kind to me and gave me everything I could have asked for under the circumstances. I'll never forget how much happiness she brought me in those briefs moments when I could ignore the darkness. I had originally planned to kill myself last winter but never got around to it. (Parts of this letter were written over a year ago, other parts days before doing this.) It was wrong of me to involve myself in her life if this were a possibility and I should have just left her alone, even though we only dated for a few months and things ended a long time ago. She's just one more person in a long list of people I've hurt.
I could spend pages talking about the other relationships I've had that were ruined because of my problems and my confusion related to the darkness. I've hurt so many great people because of who I am and my inability to experience what needs to be experienced. All I can say is that I tried to be honest with people about what I thought was true.
I've spent my life hurting people. Today will be the last time.
I've told different people a lot of things, but I've never told anyone about what happened to me, ever, for obvious reasons. It took me a while to realize that no matter how close you are to someone or how much they claim to love you, people simply cannot keep secrets. I learned this a few years ago when I thought I was gay and told people. The more harmful the secret, the juicier the gossip and the more likely you are to be betrayed. People don't care about their word or what they've promised, they just do whatever the **** they want and justify it later. It feels incredibly lonely to realize you can never share something with someone and have it be between just the two of you. I don't blame anyone in particular, I guess it's just how people are. Even if I felt like this is something I could have shared, I have no interest in being part of a friendship or relationship where the other person views me as the damaged and contaminated person that I am. So even if I were able to trust someone, I probably would not have told them about what happened to me. At this point I simply don't care who knows.
I feel an evil inside me. An evil that makes me want to end life. I need to stop this. I need to make sure I don't kill someone, which is not something that can be easily undone. I don't know if this is related to what happened to me or something different. I recognize the irony of killing myself to prevent myself from killing someone else, but this decision should indicate what I'm capable of.
So I've realized I will never escape the darkness or misery associated with it and I have a responsibility to stop myself from physically harming others.
I'm just a broken, miserable shell of a human being. Being molested has defined me as a person and shaped me as a human being and it has made me the monster I am and there's nothing I can do to escape it. I don't know any other existence. I don't know what life feels like where I'm apart from any of this. I actively despise the person I am. I just feel fundamentally broken, almost non-human. I feel like an animal that woke up one day in a human body, trying to make sense of a foreign world, living among creatures it doesn't understand and can't connect with.
I have accepted that the darkness will never allow me to be in a relationship. I will never go to sleep with someone in my arms, feeling the comfort of their hands around me. I will never know what uncontimated intimacy is like. I will never have an exclusive bond with someone, someone who can be the recipient of all the love I have to give. I will never have children, and I wanted to be a father so badly. I think I would have made a good dad. And even if I had fought through the darkness and married and had children all while being unable to feel intimacy, I could have never done that if suicide were a possibility. I did try to minimize pain, although I know that this decision will hurt many of you. If this hurts you, I hope that you can at least forget about me quickly.
There's no point in identifying who molested me, so I'm just going to leave it at that. I doubt the word of a dead guy with no evidence about something that happened over twenty years ago would have much sway.
You may wonder why I didn't just talk to a professional about this. I've seen a number of doctors since I was a teenager to talk about other issues and I'm positive that another doctor would not have helped. I was never given one piece of actionable advice, ever. More than a few spent a large part of the session reading their notes to remember who I was. And I have no interest in talking about being raped as a child, both because I know it wouldn't help and because I have no confidence it would remain secret. I know the legal and practical limits of doctor/patient confidentiality, growing up in a house where we'd hear stories about the various mental illnesses of famous people, stories that were passed down through generations. All it takes is one doctor who thinks my story is interesting enough to share or a doctor who thinks it's her right or responsibility to contact the authorities and have me identify the molestor (justifying her decision by telling herself that someone else might be in danger). All it takes is a single doctor who violates my trust, just like the "friends" who I told I was gay did, and everything would be made public and I'd be forced to live in a world where people would know how ****ed up I am. And yes, I realize this indicates that I have severe trust issues, but they're based on a large number of experiences with people who have shown a profound disrepect for their word and the privacy of others.
People say suicide is selfish. I think it's selfish to ask people to continue living painful and miserable lives, just so you possibly won't feel sad for a week or two. Suicide may be a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but it's also a permanent solution to a ~23 year-old problem that grows more intense and overwhelming every day.
Some people are just dealt bad hands in this life. I know many people have it worse than I do, and maybe I'm just not a strong person, but I really did try to deal with this. I've tried to deal with this every day for the last 23 years and I just can't ****ing take it anymore.
I often wonder what life must be like for other people. People who can feel the love from others and give it back unadulterated, people who can experience sex as an intimate and joyous experience, people who can experience the colors and happenings of this world without constant misery. I wonder who I'd be if things had been different or if I were a stronger person. It sounds pretty great.
I'm prepared for death. I'm prepared for the pain and I am ready to no longer exist. Thanks to the strictness of New Jersey gun laws this will probably be much more painful than it needs to be, but what can you do. My only fear at this point is messing something up and surviving.
—-
I'd also like to address my family, if you can call them that. I despise everything they stand for and I truly hate them, in a non-emotional, dispassionate and what I believe is a healthy way. The world will be a better place when they're dead—one with less hatred and intolerance.
If you're unfamiliar with the situation, my parents are fundamentalist Christians who kicked me out of their house and cut me off financially when I was 19 because I refused to attend seven hours of church a week.
They live in a black and white reality they've constructed for themselves. They partition the world into good and evil and survive by hating everything they fear or misunderstand and calling it love. They don't understand that good and decent people exist all around us, "saved" or not, and that evil and cruel people occupy a large percentage of their church. They take advantage of people looking for hope by teaching them to practice the same hatred they practice.
A random example:
"I am personally convinced that if a Muslim truly believes and obeys the Koran, he will be a terrorist." - George Zeller, August 24, 2010.
If you choose to follow a religion where, for example, devout Catholics who are trying to be good people are all going to Hell but child molestors go to Heaven (as long as they were "saved" at some point), that's your choice, but it's ****ed up. Maybe a God who operates by those rules does exist. If so, **** Him.
Their church was always more important than the members of their family and they happily sacrificed whatever necessary in order to satisfy their contrived beliefs about who they should be.
I grew up in a house where love was proxied through a God I could never believe in. A house where the love of music with any sort of a beat was literally beaten out of me. A house full of hatred and intolerance, run by two people who were experts at appearing kind and warm when others were around. Parents who tell an eight year old that his grandmother is going to Hell because she's Catholic. Parents who claim not to be racist but then talk about the horrors of miscegenation. I could list hundreds of other examples, but it's tiring.
Since being kicked out, I've interacted with them in relatively normal ways. I talk to them on the phone like nothing happened. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I like pretending I have a family. Maybe I like having people I can talk to about what's been going on in my life. Whatever the reason, it's not real and it feels like a sham. I should have never allowed this reconnection to happen.
I wrote the above a while ago, and I do feel like that much of the time. At other times, though, I feel less hateful. I know my parents honestly believe the crap they believe in. I know that my mom, at least, loved me very much and tried her best. One reason I put this off for so long is because I know how much pain it will cause her. She has been sad since she found out I wasn't "saved", since she believes I'm going to Hell, which is not a sadness for which I am responsible. That was never going to change, and presumably she believes the state of my physical body is much less important than the state of my soul. Still, I cannot intellectually justify this decision, knowing how much it will hurt her. Maybe my ability to take my own life, knowing how much pain it will cause, shows that I am a monster who doesn't deserve to live. All I know is that I can't deal with this pain any longer and I'm am truly sorry I couldn't wait until my family and everyone I knew died so this could be done without hurting anyone. For years I've wished that I'd be hit by a bus or die while saving a baby from drowning so my death might be more acceptable, but I was never so lucky.
—-
To those of you who have shown me love, thank you for putting up with all my ****tiness and moodiness and arbitrariness. I was never the person I wanted to be. Maybe without the darkness I would have been a better person, maybe not. I did try to be a good person, but I realize I never got very far.
I'm sorry for the pain this causes. I really do wish I had another option. I hope this letter explains why I needed to do this. If you can't understand this decision, I hope you can at least forgive me.
Bill Zeller
—-
Please save this letter and repost it if gets deleted. I don't want people to wonder why I did this. I disseminated it more widely than I might have otherwise because I'm worried that my family might try to restrict access to it. I don't mind if this letter is made public. In fact, I'd prefer it be made public to people being unable to read it and drawing their own conclusions.
Feel free to republish this letter, but only if it is reproduced in its entirety.
that's depressing, but it puts things in perspective. I read it all.
thanks.
--sent from my glacier.
Horrible that he got so constantly downed by his family and those around him that he never felt he could trust anyone enough to open up and tell what happened to him. I don 't know that he could have been helped because what he went through had to have been scarring beyond belief, but at least he may have had a chance.
At least the work he did left a positive impact on the world for a lot of people.
Is there a TL;DR version?
jaszek said:
Is there a TL;DR version?
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
Skim it. Only version available, sorry.
Sent from my HTC Intruder
Bump. Definitely something worth reading.
This man needed Jesus so badly. It's heartbreaking to hear of things like this.
Too many of my friends now days will freak out, almost have a complete meltdown if their phone is lost or broken. I sit in public places such as a restaurant or a bar and its unusually quite. I look around to see why, and nearly everyone is busy messing with their phones. It may be the way of the future, but a miserable one if this is the trend. Kids no longer play with one and another, but chat on social media, even finding a date that way. When a kid gets mad now days he just deletes you from his or her "friends". If you told anyone twenty years ago that you would one day have a device that tracks your every move, records what you say and what ever else it hears, can recognize faces, knows who all your friends are, knows your feelings and opinions, knows your deepest darkest secrets, and could be easily accessed by almost anyone and here's the kicker.... not only will you pay for it, but you would buy the device willingly, even as a gift for others. You would have told some one they were crazy. So maybe we a crazy for owning such a device and making it the center of our lives, even so far as not being satisfied with it in its present state, but further modifying it....... Just a thought.
Cell phones and instant messages / texts
well, how about this then? Have you ever thought what it would be like if we could at any second of the day tell anyone else what we thought of them? If we were mad at them we could just let them have it right there and then. um, ya.. Twenty years ago if there was a girl you liked you would have to go and talk to her. Ya, you could call her on the phone but then you would either have to use the phone in the kitchen or grab the cordless, but only might last for 20 mins or so. Now with texting and instant messages of all kinds you can send any comment off any time you like. A couple girls I know told me (each at different times) that on any given Friday afternoon they could get upwards of 50 text messages, all from guys, all generally sexual in nature. 50 guys! All asking if they can have a piece that weekend? Sad but true, and I live in a small town. Thats not all, say you've already got the girl, say you have an argument. Used to be you would have all night to cool off, maybe think things through... Now you can continually fire off messages, texts , email you name it. Bury the poor girl in literature... Dig yourself a hole so deep your never going to recover... Wasn't like that before. Poor girls can't get a break from us now. Now we are all reduced to basically somewhat the same, just another animal looking for sex. it doesn't matter how smooth you thought you were being - she didn't even read it! you were number 21 of 50... and you know? When I asked her if she would like to come over and what she wanted for breakfast I thought I was being cute. Ten other guys asked her the same question...
---------- Post added at 01:58 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:52 PM ----------
Marxmellow said:
well, how about this then? (im not quoting myself )..
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
Just another thought. If, lets say, you don't believe me... All I ask is that you ask one girl today. Ask her how many texts she gets from guys that are either borderline unacceptable or downright wrong. Especially right before the weekend or even late at night. Do you do it? I know I have. I didn't realize the impact it could have.... Just ask.
Marx
wew
wow nice
All the time. It's crazy when I look around at all the people just tapping away on a piece of glass in an effort to feel less empty.. lol
Just recently started using this website to get to know how to root, twrp, all that good stuff for the first time and the support I have had has been amazing and the community seems really active like I litterally got a reply to my comment in under 10 mins after posting it don't even remember the last time that happened all in all happy to be here
Welcome to xda.
Good to hear you are enjoying xda.
It is a very active site and normally someone can give you an answer or help find one.
Glad to have you part of the xda family.
Cheers.
Yes it was quite the learning experience, I had to use the knowledge I had learned through the years to actually conceptualize how to deploy a defense and anoffense. DESPITE HOW I FEEL ABOUT IT NOW: I would never put anyone else hrougu that though. These days we've become, as a society, very dependent on our technologies, I'm some cases if you don't have access or knowlefhe of the most basic components, it could cost a meal, or where you lay your head at night. Let's see, I lost 4 smartphones, 2 tablets, half my hair went grey, the other half just gave up and fell out, and it cost me 2 job opportunites that will not be around in my near future. Having the knowledge of technology is great, having the wisdom, the experience in wether to deploy it, or make it what it's for are two different beast, I think people initially don't feel that there hurting anyone by using technology to get back at them, but if they put themselves in the shoes the person is about to walk in, is the punishment balancing what it will cost them in real life because of the lost communication, job, or relationship? Just because it's not a knock out drag out fight doesn't mean it won't sting
So essentially what I am saying is that it has become the right hook, body slam, forrgose that can't actually do that to someone, but there is a degree of social responsibility, that needs to be assessed. If I deploy a hijacker virus on someone because they said something I didn't like, and that person supported their family with Uber, depending on how long I kept the hijack up I might just help that dude get an eviction, no technology, no phone, no way or getting fares, etc, etc.....