Here is a thread just for jokes. I am in the right category since its about anything non-phone related. So lets all have fun.
Mrs. Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been
married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring and
she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a
seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump
organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it,
filled with water. In the water floated, of all things,
a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity!
When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and
its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could
resist no longer.
"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this
(pointing to the bowl)?"
"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown
last fall and I found this little package on the ground. The directions
said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease.
And you know, I haven't had a cold all winter."
Three men approached the gate to heaven and as
there was only one opening left, the gatekeeper said
that whoever had the most remarkable and worthy death could enter.
He asked the first man how he died, and the man replied,
''Imagine this -- I suspected my wife was having an affair
behind my back and I wanted to find out the truth.
I came home from work one day to surprise her and catch her in the act.
When I searched the house I found her in the bathroom.
The mirror was fogged and she had a towel on but her hair
wasn't wet, so I knew she wasn't taking a shower.
I looked all around the house to find the guy.
I found ten fingers hanging onto the window sill outside.
I pounded them until he finally let go.
When he fell he landed in some bushes and
God must have loved him because he lived, so I threw the
refrigerator out the window to finish him off.
After all the excitement I fell dead of a heart attack.''
Then the gatekeeper asked the second man how he died. He replied,
''Imagine this -- I'm minding my own business on top of my
apartment building. I was riding one of those stationary
bicycles when the screws gave out and I flew off the side.
I reached out and caught a window sill, then some idiot
started pounding on my fingertips. When I fell I landed
in some bushes and God must have loved me because I lived.
But then that same idiot threw his
refrigerator out the window and it crushed me.''
''That, too, is horrible,'' said the gate keeper.
Then he asked the third man the same question.
His reply was, ''OK, imagine this, I'm naked in a refrigerator...''
A missionary in Africa realizes that the one thing he has
never taught the natives is how to speak English, so he
takes the chief for a walk in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The missionary is pleased with the response.
They walk a little farther and the missionary points to a
rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The missionary is really getting enthusiastic about the results.
Then he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the
top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual
activity. The missionary is really flustered and quickly says,
"Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, he pulls out his
blow-gun and poisoned darts and kills them.
The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he
has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind
to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood
that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."
Subject: Mental hospital
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day
while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim
suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the
pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She
swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Edna's
heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from
the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell Edna the news he said, "Edna,
I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being
discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a
crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient,
I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The
bad news is, Jim the patient you saved, hung Himself with his
bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. Now...
How soon can I go home?"
Senator's Choice
While walking down the street one day, a female senator is tragically
hit by a truck and dies. Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St.
Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems
there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts,
you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is
have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose
where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the
senator.
"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts her
to the elevator. And she goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open,
and she finds herself in the middle of a green golf course. In the
distance is a club and standing in front of it are all her friends and
other politicians who had worked with her. Everyone is very happy and in
evening dress.
They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they
had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly
game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the
Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and
Telling jokes.
They are having such a good time that, before she realizes it, it is
time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves while the elevator
rises. The elevator goes up, up, up, and the door reopens on Heaven
where St.Peter is waiting for her.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the head of state
joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing >the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before she realizes it,
the 24 hours have gone by, and St. Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now,
choose the place where you want to spend eternity."
She reflects for a minute and then answers: "Well, I would never have
said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be
better off in Hell."
So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator, and she goes down, down,
down to Hell. Now, the doors of the elevator open, and she is in the
middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. She sees all her
friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black
bags. And it's hot, hot, hot. Sweltering hot. Hot and miserable. The
Devil comes over to her and lays his arm on her neck.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here, and
there was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar and
danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of
garbage, and my friends look miserable."
The Devil looks at her, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were
campaigning... today you voted for us."
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America.....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. (THIS ONE ALWAYS BUGGED ME!)
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER ~~~~
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
~~~~~
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label
instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how??...)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion.)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????..)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and... I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.
The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf
course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
"What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man.
"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free every day."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic desserts, and free flowing beverages.
"Don't even ask," said St Peter to the man.
"This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.
"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"
The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"
"Not unless you want to," was the answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or cholesterol ?"
"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."
The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago."
A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to
indicate that they wanted to have intercourse without
letting their children in on it. They decided on the
word Typewriter.
One day the husband told his five year old daughter,
"Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".
The child told her mother what her dad said, and her
mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a
letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the
typewriter."
The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy
that he can type that letter now."
The child told her father, returned to her mother
and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the
typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."
Let's look at a few rather important topics to prove this:
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they
will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will
affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla,
Peanut-Pecker and Schmucko.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will
each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None
of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually
admit they want some change back. The girls get their bill,
out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay
$1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothpaste,
toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and
a towel from the Holiday Inn.; The average number of
items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.No man will
be able to identify most of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a
man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women
aren't looking, men kick cats.
THE FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he
doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting she won't change
and she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants,
empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get
the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women
somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She
knows about dentist appointments and romances, best
friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and
dreams. A man is vaguely aware
of short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Every married man should forget his mistakes. There's
no use in two people remembering the same thing,
is there?
The last one is the best one man. Heres one from me:
Hung Chow calls into work and says
"Hey Boss, I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, tummy ache and sore leg. I not come work".
The Boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and ask her for Sex. That makes everything
better and I go work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls his Boss and says "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you".
To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey, I love you, to".
A guy was sitting in a bar when a stranger walked up to him and asked, "If you woke up in the woods and scratched your butt and felt vaseline, would you tell anyone?"
"Hell no!", the guy said. The stranger then asked, "If you felt further into your crack and pulled out a used condom, would you tell anyone?" The man said, "Of course not."
"Wanna go camping?"
A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.
"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.
"Yes I do." she replied.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes I remember."
"Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said.'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?"
"Yes I do", she replied.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know I would have gotten out today."
Ok those were nice .. Here is another one for you .......
A business man met a beautiful girl and asked her to
spend the night with him for $500. And she did.
Before he left in the morning, he told her that he
did not have any cash with him, but that he would
have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her,
calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had
done, realizing that the whole event was not worth
the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque for
$250 and enclosed a note:
Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a cheque in the amount of $250 for rent
of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed
upon because when I rented the apartment I was under
the impression that:
(1) it had never been occupied;
(2) that there was plenty of heat;
(3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and at home
Last night, however, I found out that it had been
previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat,
and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned
the cheque for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a
beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how
to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is
indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough
furniture to fill
it, please don't blame the landlord
John went to his local Doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem, but if you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise me, and I mean it - not to laugh."
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.
"Ok then," John said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'tool' the doctor had seen in all his years.
Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it absolutely will not happen again. Ever. Now what seems to be the problem?"
John "It's swollen!"
Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they
decide that she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to
do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a
guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I'll be
parked around the corner."
She's not there 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How
much?" She says, "A hundred dollars." He says, "All I got is
thirty". She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks,
"What can he get for thirty?" "A hand job".
She runs back and tells the guy all the gets for thirty is a
hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants,
and out pops this HUGE penis. She stares at it for a minute, and
then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back to Harry, and
asks, "Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"
John and Jain were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 10th wedding anniversary Jain said "We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon."
"As you wish," said John.
"Will we do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon?" asked Jain.
"Ok," said John.
"And will we make love like we did on our first honeymoon?" asked Jain.
"That's right," said John, "except this time I get to sit on the side of the bed and cry, 'It's too big, it's too big!'"
A young couple was golfing one day on a very exclusive
course lined with million-dollar houses. On the third
tee, the wife sliced her shot right through the large
front window of the biggest house along the course.
They walked up, knocked on the door and heard a voice
say, "Come on in."
When they opened the door, they saw glass everywhere
and a broken bottle lying on the floor. A man on the
couch said, "Are you the people who broke my window?"
The husband began to apologize, but the man cut him
off, "Actually, I want to thank you, I'm a genie who
was trapped in that bottle, and your wayward shot
released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes, so
what I'd like to do is give each of you one wish,
and I'll keep last one for myself."
"Fantastic!" said the husband. "I want a million
dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem,"
said the genie, "it's the least I can do."
"I want a house in every country in the world," said
the wife. "Consider it done," said the genie, "and
now for my wish. Because I've been trapped in that
bottle, I haven't had sex in a really long time. My
wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looked over at his wife and said, "Well,
we did get a lot of money and all those houses...If
you don't mind honey, I don't either." The wife
agreed.
The genie took her upstairs and ravished her for 3
hours. After he was through, the genie looked at the
wife and asked, "How old is you husband, anyway?"
"Twenty-five," said the wife.
"And he still believes in genies?"
Wife: Suggest a password for our computer.
Husband: PENIS.
Wife types 'PENIS' and falls off chair laughing because the computer says: REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH!
Gay Man Meets Saint Peter
Once, a gay man went to heaven. At the Great Gate,
Saint Peter was waiting for him. After rewieving
his records Saint Pete decided to let him in.
"Follow me" he said, opening the gate and walking
in.
After some walk, Saint Pete's keys accidentally fell
on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the
keys. That was something the gay man just couldn't
resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing. Saint
Pete was furious. "If you do that again, You'll go
straight to hell! But follow me, we're almost there."
After some more walk, Pete dropped his keys again,
and again, the gay man jumped on him. Saint Pete was
even more furious than before, but decided to give the
gay guy one last chance.
Again they walk and for the third time Pete drops his
keys, so he bends over and picks them up. The gay guy,
having no self control jumps on him. Pete is now fed
up and sends the gay guy straight to hell.
A few weeks later, Saint Pete goes down to hell for
his routine inspection, but this time something is
wrong, it is freezing, no fire, no lava and in one
corner, he finds the devil lying under a stack of
blankets freezing his ass of.
"Why is it so god damn cold down here? "Pete asks.
"Well you just try bending down for firewood!!"
The devil replied.
Hey guys
Hope you can help, last Friday on my back from work around 5:30pm I was hit head on by a crazy woman cutting the bend in the road.
I'm not at fault IMHO, as I was on my side of the road and she had cut the bend and gone straight into me! I was going 15mph and she said she was going 30mph when questioned.
What I was hoping you could help me with is good sites I could visit where there maybe cameras recording the daily. This could be Police, camers, Neighbourhood watch, or even just people who like recording the days activities on their road
My car has been written off, the woman is claiming 50/50, I have a witness (but didn't see the accident happen but was on his drive and saw straight after imapct where I was and where the lady was).
Any help would be greatly appreciated.
TIA
Do not accept 50/50, do not let your insurance company try and rail road you into it either.
Remember you're entitled to demand your car be repaired if it has only been written off due to economic reasons (although if you've agreed it can be written off it might be too late), and can state which repairer you want used.
Let the police sort it out. If there's CCTV footage they'll know. (Despite the number of cameras, there's never any around when you need it though).
Seriously, i don't know what's wrong with people in this country. Three times this year i've had to swerve off the road because of some idiot that's drifted into my lane. It's like something out of Inception where everyone starts to attack the 'invader'.
Thank you for your responses guys.
xaccers I'm definitely not going to give in, as it was in no way my fault, luckily I have a witness who happens to live on the road who saw the aftermath immediately after she hit me, and he could see I was on my side and that she was half of her car was on my side of the road. The car has been written off and the guy was garage were saying it would cost more than the car is worth to repair, I then checked with my own garage, who confirmed it is too much.
DirkGently1 - yeah I should let them deal with it. But I'm sure they won't do that much as I hear they let the insurers deal with it lol. Yes I am soo annoyed with people cutting corners, why can't they just stay on their side of the road? This woman had all the space in the world on her side and still had to cut the corner, unbelievable.
As you can imagine, I'm soo angry with this situation, why should I have to pay for someone else's mistake? Is it wrong to contact the person involved and talk to them about this?
Thanks again guys
Did you take photos of the scene? The first thing i'd do is whip out my phone and start snapping.
Good luck, i'm sure the truth will out.
Yeah took photos, but she had reversed her car onto her side of the road before I took any pictures.
Also have resident on the street as a witness, so fingers crossed really.
Ibb1982 said:
Thank you for your responses guys.
xaccers I'm definitely not going to give in, as it was in no way my fault,
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
Good to hear
My first accident, I was 18 in the outside lane of a 2 lane road, my lane was for turning right up ahead at traffic lights and it was clear all the way to them.
Lane 1 was full of stationary cars queuing due to the lights.
Out from a side road came a lone woman in a Skoda who didn't look my way until she was right in front of me.
I was only doing about 20mph but she pulled out so close I hit her B post.
She drove over to the other side of the road and I pulled up on my side.
My bumper was damaged and the O/S wing was peeled back.
She insisted we knocked on strangers' doors to phone the police and report it (who told her just exchange details if no one was hurt).
We did, she drove off, I waiting for the RAC.
She then claimed that I had been speeding, had hit her so hard I'd pushed her to the other side of the road (ignoring the laws of physics obviously), that I had psychologically damaged her, which made her husband frustrated due to her going off sex, which made her eldest daughter give up at school, her son need to see the school psychiatrist, and her 3 year old daughter wet the bed. She tried to sue me for £1500 despite admitting liability.
My insurance company first tried knock for knock, so I told them where to go and got them to fight it.
It went to court, I had flu at the time, we turned up at 8am on a Monday, spoke with our barrister and the representative from my insurance company's solicitor who'd gotten the 6am train from Bristol, and wondered where the woman was.
At 8:30 the bloke from the solicitor got a call to say that after 5:30 the Friday before her solicitors had faxed through a letter stating they were withdrawing their claim!
So they deliberately sent it too late to stop us attending court, wasting the court's time too. Our barrister was absolutely livid anyway as her solicitors obviously hadn't had a case (she also claimed never to have suffered psychological disorders but didn't realise we'd get to see her medical records which showed she had in the past).
I'd sold the car in the meantime so was awarded an amount that covered the loss of value due to the damage.
Damn Skoda drivers.
Is it just me, or has anyone else had to put their hand down a toilet?
Or after a night out partying, phone an ex, only to have the phone violently meet with the ground and disintegrate into tiny pieces (sim card to be found the next day, haha)
Tell your story (funny now, but not at the time) of your past phones deaths...
out of five
MJ-12
Wtf what r u saying ... U smashed ur phone to ground?
Sent from my GT-I9100 using Tapatalk
Damn i smashed my previous Nokia 5800 but nothing happened to it
Phone flew outta my coat pocket last winter when I started running, smashed all over the road but was still good. Then a few months later was drunk wrestling with my dog and it fell outta my pocket again, my dog found it and chewed on it, plus it rained... Had to search most of the next morning for it, recharged it still worked fine but super chewed... Then the last main thing, I was getting out of a car and it was on my lap, it landed face down with extended batt. on cement and the digitizer finally blew... I've since replaced every part on the phone except the LCD and mobo... I still love this phone and the devs that keep it more updated then then the newest phones out there... Thank God I haven't had to fish in the toilet yet:-o
Bikinis off, evo...
Once i was so drunk i thought it would be a good idea to throw my 2 week old Nokia (this was when Nokia were the top dogs lol) in the air pretending i was scoring a goal and kick it nearly breaking my foot in the process and my phone smashes to pieces
jonny68 said:
Once i was so drunk i thought it would be a good idea to throw my 2 week old Nokia (this was when Nokia were the top dogs lol) in the air pretending i was scoring a goal and kick it nearly breaking my foot in the process and my phone smashes to pieces
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LOL, did you score?
MJ-12 said:
LOL, did you score?
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woke up the next day with a bruised foot, nasty hangover and no phone
[i highly doubt ill be doing anything remotely like that with my GS2)
jonny68 said:
woke up the next day with a bruised foot, nasty hangover and no phone
[i highly doubt ill be doing anything remotely like that with my GS2)
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hahahahaha! Outstanding, made me laugh lol....
out of five
MJ-12 said:
Is it just me, or has anyone else had to put their hand down a toilet?
MJ-12
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I actually killed a phone in a toilet I was out partying and I was really drunk. I had to pee and while peeing I had my thing in the left hand and was trying to text with my right hand (which is extremely difficult when the letters on the keyboard are moving around ;-) ) Suddenly I drop it straight down the toilet and I was just like "whoops" and I picked it up. It was dead
Sent from my GT-I9100 using xda premium
Me and a friend used to send the occasional poop pic back and forth. After a morning of too much coffee I released an extra frothy concoction into the toilet and decided it was pic worthy for our chain letter. I dropped the phone into the toilet, quickly grabbed it out and rinsed it in the bathtub. It worked for about two weeks after that but slowly gave in. it was a crappy pantech flip phone. Good riddance. On the plus side nobody would ask to use my phone after that.
Sent.
nawlage said:
Me and a friend used to send the occasional poop pic back and forth. After a morning of too much coffee I released an extra frothy concoction into the toilet and decided it was pic worthy for our chain letter. I dropped the phone into the toilet, quickly grabbed it out and rinsed it in the bathtub. It worked for about two weeks after that but slowly gave in. it was a crappy pantech flip phone. Good riddance. On the plus side nobody would ask to use my phone after that.
Sent.
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Lol now that is random, not sure what is worse the what happened to the phone or the story behind what happened looooool.
out of five
I was walking through a McDonalds drive-thru/car park area with my wife and we were having an argument. Out of exasperation, she flung her bag around, and her Sony Ericsson k750i flew out and hit the tarmac, a group of guys were watching not far away.
As I skipped over the get the phone, a car came out of the drive-thru, and despite protests to stop, drove straight over it wheel first. As the crunch happened, the group of guys all went 'ohhhhhhh' at the same time. It was complete dead, shattered screen, and a few mm thinner lol. Didn't know whether to laugh or cry, but glad I had insurance for a next day swap!
i had a sony ericcsson w580i that had a good little run around the insides of my washing machine (by accident of course - forgot to check my pockets beforehand)
the phone still worked fine, but the washing machine went on strike at that point (something about unauthorised foreign objects..)
i never tried 'cleaning' a phone again!!
Many years ago when I was on my way to work.I was talking on phone with my client. Some dude bum on me really hard accidently and my phone flew over to the road and a car ran over it.
the phone were disembowelled and I pick it up, the call still connects and I finished the call with the client with that naked disembowelled phone.
It was an old school Nokia 3310 lol.
It's not dead technically but since the chassis and keypad and screen were all broken .so
Sent from my GT-I9100 using XDA App
@jpxdude, and darkinners.
Would love to have seen these incidents, the shock on faces as the phone gets trashed... lol
Priceless
As said, am sure it was far from funny at the time, but hey it is now.
out of five
motodude said:
Wtf what r u saying ... U smashed ur phone to ground?
Sent from my GT-I9100 using Tapatalk
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ahh, basically, yes
More of a fail on my part lol. Had a Samsung u900 and pulled it apart because the keypad was being funny. All went well until I realised I couldn't put it back together. I don't know if a clip broke or what but the internal components never sat right afterwards haha.
Back in high school during my stupid and naive days, my Sony Ericsson k610i's paint was peeling pretty badly. So I idiotically painted it black and went to school. Answered a call and the black paint transfered to my face without my knowledge. I took some serious ridicule that day haha. So I got rid of phone and used a spare for 6 months til contract ended lol
Sent from my X10i using XDA App
Haha I accidentally poured Ice-cream on my Old Nokia once and the thing just fried Poor phone
LOL I had my hand in a toilet to recover my blackberry and my old iPhone 4. Took them out of my pocket before a shower, and slipped right from my hand into the toilet. Both times
Sent from my PG06100 using XDA App
alanthemanofchicago said:
LOL I had my hand in a toilet to recover my blackberry and my old iPhone 4. Took them out of my pocket before a shower, and slipped right from my hand into the toilet. Both times
Sent from my PG06100 using XDA App
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both of them? seriously man, be careful. others have old school phones, you have high end phones.
OK so my friend and I threw balls on the roof for laughs. We got caught and had to get them down. But with what, you might ask? Well the teachers made us climb up the 3 story roof and push the balls down. It was raining too, so that made it slippery. It was also tilted, and there was nothing to hold onto but the edge of the roof. What I'm asking is, is this legal? Could it be punishable by law or get to the local authorities? Because we could have stayed after school with a supplied ladder and get the balls down! This is not hypothetical. I won't do naything with the cops, but I'm just interested. Given the conditions, rain, tilted, and 3 stories high, what did we learn from this? Teamwork of two 14 year old guys pushing each other up a roof? My hands started to bleed when I was done pushing the balls down from holding onto the sharp edge of the roof. And I know I've said this, I just want to reinforce it. I WILL NOT DO ANYTHING! I AM MERELY INTERESTED! Thanks for the time xD
This is an easy one.
Don't do it again.
Sent from my GT-P1000 using Tapatalk
LOL hahaha advice taken
invasion2 said:
OK so my friend and I threw balls on the roof for laughs. We got caught and had to get them down. But with what, you might ask? Well the teachers made us climb up the 3 story roof and push the balls down. It was raining too, so that made it slippery. It was also tilted, and there was nothing to hold onto but the edge of the roof. What I'm asking is, is this legal? Could it be punishable by law or get to the local authorities? Because we could have stayed after school with a supplied ladder and get the balls down! This is not hypothetical. I won't do naything with the cops, but I'm just interested. Given the conditions, rain, tilted, and 3 stories high, what did we learn from this? Teamwork of two 14 year old guys pushing each other up a roof? My hands started to bleed when I was done pushing the balls down from holding onto the sharp edge of the roof. And I know I've said this, I just want to reinforce it. I WILL NOT DO ANYTHING! I AM MERELY INTERESTED! Thanks for the time xD
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It will have hopefully taught you a valuable lesson about maturity... You throw something up on a roof... How do you expect it will get down? Someone will have to go onto it and fetch it...
If you fell, it was your own fault, and I guarantee you would have never dared throw something onto the roof again (after you got out of hospital)
definitely illegal haha, good lesson though!
Sent from my HTC Glacier using xda premium
what kind of ball is it?
Sent from my SGH-T959 using XDA App
All sorts...basketballs, kick balls, tennis balls, baseballs.
i smell a lawsuit?
LOL naw. Too young and it's meaningless ....I'm leaving that school in 2 and 1/2 months anyway.
invasion2 said:
LOL naw. Too young and it's meaningless ....I'm leaving that school in 2 and 1/2 months anyway.
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Ha I wish I got to do something that exciting in my school... Stupid cmts
Waddle said:
Ha I wish I got to do something that exciting in my school... Stupid cmts
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Lol...2nd time this week alone I've been sent to the principle's ...but the roof thing really pisses the living sh!t out of me...and the teachers just left us! Oh well, I just got dirty and a few cuts
Inquiring minds want to know.
I remember once in class, I farted so loudly and blamed it on the kid behind me. And the teacher actually loled!
EDIT: Poll's up. Vote away.
Pull my finger!
Gesendet von meinem HTC One mit Tapatalk 4
This just became my favorite thread.
On a family vacation to Toronto, my family went to a local mall to eat dinner in the food court. My dad got up to go through his leftover scraps away. A minute or so after he came back, my mom made this disgusted face and said, "AUUGH, what is that awful smell?!?!" She then proceeded to check my little brother's diaper, and asked if me or my little sister had pooped our pants. My dad is turning blue in the face laughing through all of this, and my mother finally caught on. We all looked over to the trash can where he threw his food away. There were two teenage girls, bent over with green faces, trying not to puke, as the stench from my dad's fart was so bad. To this day, my dad is forbidden by the Toronto city authorities from entering.
I made my own mark (not in my pants) a few years later when I farted so bad on our way home that my dad fell out of the car. He wasn't hurt, as we had just pulled into our driveway, but the smell was pretty bad.
Just a couple of many awesome fart stories
Ph0enix_216 said:
This just became my favorite thread.
On a family vacation to Toronto, my family went to a local mall to eat dinner in the food court. My dad got up to go through his leftover scraps away. A minute or so after he came back, my mom made this disgusted face and said, "AUUGH, what is that awful smell?!?!" She then proceeded to check my little brother's diaper, and asked if me or my little sister had pooped our pants. My dad is turning blue in the face laughing through all of this, and my mother finally caught on. We all looked over to the trash can where he threw his food away. There were two teenage girls, bent over with green faces, trying not to puke, as the stench from my dad's fart was so bad. To this day, my dad is forbidden by the Toronto city authorities from entering.
I made my own mark (not in my pants) a few years later when I farted so bad on our way home that my dad fell out of the car. He wasn't hurt, as we had just pulled into our driveway, but the smell was pretty bad.
Just a couple of many awesome fart stories
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Cool story sorry gotta call BS that your dad got kicked out of someplace forever over farting.
NubzX said:
Cool story sorry gotta call BS that your dad got kicked out of someplace forever over farting.
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Yeah, that part is a bit exaggerated. It's fun to joke about though. Kinda surprised they didn't kick him out, it was that bad.
I'm a bamboo, I don't fart.
veeman said:
I'm a bamboo, I don't fart.
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How do you not fart? Wouldn't you explode?
Ph0enix_216 said:
How do you not fart? Wouldn't you explode?
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Well, I produce oxygen. Don't know if you consider that farting.
Tis a sweet flatulence of life when bamboo expels oxygen.
-No longer accidental, just Jeremy. F.cfb
[Guide] Headphone/Earphone Buying
veeman said:
Well, I produce oxygen. Don't know if you consider that farting.
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Depends on where it comes from. If it's out of your butt, yeah, it's a fart. If it comes out of your face, probably not (unless you are a professed butt head).
And isn't a fart methane?
I work in a hospital. I fart and blame it on the patients.
Ph0enix_216 said:
Depends on where it comes from. If it's out of your butt, yeah, it's a fart. If it comes out of your face, probably not (unless you are a professed butt head).
And isn't a fart methane?
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Um, as his avatar demonstrates, he is a stalk of bamboo, hence he produces oxygen. You, as part of the animal philia, you expel mostly CO2
Sent from my 2nd gen Nexus 7
I work at a restaurant. So I crop dust the sections of servers I don't like.
Just wanna pop in here say that Crop Dusting is an art form. I also crop dust the corridors in between switching classes.
Farting in the car is the best. If you have passengers, lock the windows and turn on the heater.
Ph0enix_216 said:
Farting in the car is the best. If you have passengers, lock the windows and turn on the heater.
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I've made my son exit the vehicle and walk home for repeated intentional car farting.
-No longer accidental, just Jeremy. F.cfb
[Guide] Headphone/Earphone Buying
I was in line at walgreens and had to fart so I dropped my wallet and had to bend over to get it and as soonb as i did BOOOOM there it went one loud ass WET fart .Dripping down my leg with shorts on and it stunk like dog poop. About 5 people walked ouit of line to the next and I dropped my stuff in the nearest shelf and got the heck out of there and drove home and changed my shorts...
lazy_prodigy said:
I work in a hospital. I fart and blame it on the patients.
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Where's that thanks button?
Sent from The Magical Xperia Z, running TuRdZzROM v2.2.0
Lol disgusting.
But if something, it has got to be an quiet agent.
Usually those smell the worst too.
WHY do we need this thread?
The OP should be banned!
Sent from my Atrix HD
Check out this thread!