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I've been with my girlfriend for about 6 years. We have had our ups and our downs but it's always remained pretty good. Recently I caught her in a pretty big lie. It wasn't cheating or anything along those lines, just something that she felt might have caused me to want to break things off with her.
Here's my question, is the saying "once a liar always a liar" true? She promised to just be completely honest with me from now on. But, I'm the type of guy who definitely has a hard time trusting someone after they have lied to me once before. Should I try to trust her?
ericc191 said:
I've been with my girlfriend for about 6 years. We have had our ups and our downs but it's always remained pretty good. Recently I caught her in a pretty big lie. It wasn't cheating or anything along those lines, just something that she felt might have caused me to want to break things off with her.
Here's my question, is the saying "once a liar always a liar" true? She promised to just be completely honest with me from now on. But, I'm the type of guy who definitely has a hard time trusting someone after they have lied to me once before. Should I try to trust her?
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Well, thing is: you should try and rebuild the trust if you have feelings for her even after that...she cares for your relationship enough to lie, then try and forgive her.
</amateur-shrink>
Merlin_reloaded said:
she cares for your relationship enough to lie, then try and forgive her.
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Well said...
one more chance max... if it's an issue, then it will show up sooner than u think...
well for me, it really depends on the nature of the issue (lie)
if it was for good intentions, i'd say try again....
tell her that if before that lie your trust used to be at 100 on a scale of 0-100.
but now its at 95 and she killed those 5 marks permanently.
No Trust
Once trust is broken it's very very hard to repair......there will be a little thing in your mind always and forever at that moment when trust was broken ....think about it.....girls are very different about lies.....I'm 36 I know what I'm talking about.....All I'm saying is that be very very careful....The fear of lies is never ending once broken....confusing whats real.....
Peace
Mike
mike19722 said:
Once trust is broken it's very very hard to repair......there will be a little thing in your mind always and forever at that moment when trust was broken ....think about it.....girls are very different about lies.....I'm 36 I know what I'm talking about.....All I'm saying is that be very very careful....The fear of lies is never ending once broken....confusing whats real.....
Peace
Mike
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Yeah, I'm worried I'll find myself questioning a lot of things she does in my mind. But, I do love her. We plan on getting married and all that. I'm gonna go with the advice of telling her that there will now always be a little part of me will question whether or not she's being honest.
True Love is unconditional (unless unfaithfulness is there) we all do stupid things and im sure you have as well. If you really love her then love her now more than you ever have. alot of times we look at the end result (lying or what ever) instead of the underlying causes. Perhaps you could love her so much that she would have no reason to ever lie again?
and thats my Dr Phil for teh day
Tregrad said:
True Love is unconditional (unless unfaithfulness is there) we all do stupid things and im sure you have as well. If you really love her then love her now more than you ever have. alot of times we look at the end result (lying or what ever) instead of the underlying causes. Perhaps you could love her so much that she would have no reason to ever lie again?
and thats my Dr Phil for teh day
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Totally agree with it !!!
Thats what all about true relationship is,trust yourself to trust her !
Have a nice day
trust rebuilding strategy
I'd suggest a professional, since their paid to be objective. If you have medical coverage, this is a good time to use it, since your health is a good part dependent on the state of your love life (seriously).
Have a plan (devising one is where the third party comes in), or maybe a set of procedures (I know it sounds odd, but it's sort of an if-then, if you do this, then I do this....). If you guys can stick to the plan, then after some time the trust will be rebuilt.
If the lie had to do with money or shared tasks (like cleaning house, car maintenance), the issue is more important than it might seem right now. From what I've seen of stats, divorced people blame these things for thier breakups. IMHO, I think it gets down to the same things that help people keep thier jobs: percieved personal investment. You need to feel more important to your girlfiend than whatever it was she lied to you about, no?
If you value the relationship that much, then you need to value how you feel about the relationship. To value something means to *do* something about it. The relationship has shifted, so behaviors need to shift, too.
The short of it: don't let this fester. Forgiveness is good. The best. Things worth havng are seldom easy to get.
My American $ 0.02... worth less and less everyday....
You really Can't Trust Anyone who lies. Since Everyone lies. You really cannot trust Anyone.
Listen home scratch...
The trust issue is more about you than it is about her. Trust me. I went through the same thing that your going through now. If you are an optimistic person you might be fine, but if you are negative in nature you might think that she will mess up like that again. Then you will drive yourself nuts trying to catch her in a lie. The first thing and most important thing you have to do is ask yourself, 'Do I think I can ever trust her completely again'. If you have doubts, that means your relationship is in serious trouble. If you are completely confident, you will be fine. Don't over analyze why she lied. You will only end up with more questions than answers. People lie for different reasons, and you wont ever really know because your not in her head. So let it go and good luck with whatever you decide.
P.s. Never come online to ask advice about a relationship. I know you meant well. However, what I've learned is people sometimes give advice from a mindset of resentment. Thus, If someone has had a bad day, they might give you terrible advice.
I am not wanting to seem uncaring towards you or dismissing the problem and saying everything will be fine, but for gods sake get over it , so she lied , have you never lied to anybody before? I am sure you have, as people have said, it is down to insecurities in yourself , i mean the fact you are asking online if you should trust her, is basically saying you can't even make the decision yourself. I have had this myself , but from the other side of things, as in it was my girlfriend of 3 1/2 years not trusting me over lots of things, questioning me about everything, even though i wasnt lying to her. You will end up pushing her away, because she will be holding lots of silly things back, simply because it will mean you will be questioning her over it if she mentions it. Which will cause more distrust and arguments.
So my advice is simply to let it go or it will eat away at your relationship forever.
Anyway off topic, can anyone help fix my wallaby with 1% GSM Error :lol: (joke)
Something like that happened to me. She lied, but, yeah, at the end of the day, I love her and she loves me. Story ends.
Give her a chance. Love her. Be a man. Stand beside her. Make her feel comfortable that she doesnt lie to you anymore
Thanks for all the replies. I've already let it go but I just wanted to see what other people would do if it happened to them. It's good to know that majority of people here would see it as "She loves me so much she lied in order to spare feelings" and love their spouse even more. I like this view and decided to go with it..
So we had another fight about me spending too much time playing with and talking about android and phones. As long as cellphones don't come up in conversation we were the happiest couple in the world. But I finally broke up with her because I couldn't even think about android without her getting mad at me. And I figured I would just find a girl that shared my interest. But I just realized that there are ZERO females(at least in the state of alabama) that even know what android is. Should I quit looking now? Does anyone have any advice to find them(if they exist that is)?
I lol'ed so hard.
if this isnt a troll , ur a noob for not being able to control urself not to talk about ur fone
sounded like my wife ...picking a fight because too much time on xda and phones.... Well, you can move from your state
souljaboy said:
if this isnt a troll , ur a noob for not being able to control urself not to talk about ur fone
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Sorry you think I'm a noob, but I can control myself enough to not talk about it, but WHY should I? I'm going to look for a girl with common interest, and if I don't find anyone I will suppress my techie talk. But until I know that she doesn't exist, why would I change the kind of woman I would like to date?
So next time your off just supermanning hoes think about what a relationship should be about.
This is what I get for asking for girl advice on xda
LMAOO! If your serious, I really think you messed up BIG time! Call her now, apologize, and get off of XDA.
sorry to hear it bro. my wife also gets pissy when im on modding/hacking forums too much, but she'll get used to it eventually
I somewhat agree with Original Android.... if you usually get along, apologize and try to consider some of her interests. some people just dont get our devotion(addiction) to such things
as far as quitting XDA..... bad idea. maybe just set a specific time for this great site.
its all about compromise homey..... i hate you for making me think serious!! j/k
Had a fight here too for this very same reason...
Mr. Clown said:
sounded like my wife ...picking a fight because too much time on xda and phones.... Well, you can move from your state
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orb3000 said:
Had a fight here too for this very same reason...
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Well my friend, it's time to negotiate . I did this with my wife, I agreed with her that I will spend some hours a week to be on the web and xda of course (while she's around). So both of us are happy since I comply with the terms when she's around ....but she's not always around you know.
Yes, time is not equal my girl says...
Anyway we should re negotiate a new way if possible
She's the one, I'm pretty sure of it
Original Android <3ers! said:
LMAOO! If your serious, I really think you messed up BIG time! Call her now, apologize, and get off of XDA.
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Ok first off, hope you are LOVING highschool and football still. And yes I messed up big time, she's truely a wonderful person. But I didn't have to call her, she called me and we came to a compromise. She said if I would buy her that "nexus thingy" and actually "teach" her what I was talking about, she thinks she would really enjoy learning about it. And in my mind it wasn't a compromise, I got exactly what I wanted..... oh wait I just spent $500 on an N1
griffincash said:
Ok first off, hope you are LOVING highschool and football still. And yes I messed up big time, she's truely a wonderful person. But I didn't have to call her, she called me and we came to a compromise. She said if I would buy her that "nexus thingy" and actually "teach" her what I was talking about, she thinks she would really enjoy learning about it. And in my mind it wasn't a compromise, I got exactly what I wanted..... oh wait I just spent $500 on an N1
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I'm going to be frank. Return that N1. The relationship is now headed in the wrong direction for the wrong reasons.
In your future relationships, if you're with your girl, be with your girl. Learn to compromise. Your partner's reaction to the particular behavior (i.e., dealing/talking Android) is ultimately just a natural reaction towards the frequency in which you exhibited it (i.e., excessively). Imagine if your partner asked you to accompany them to go shopping every day of the week for at least 3 hours each day. While you guys are shopping, she'll talk to you about every brand, and fashion, etc. Should she leave you because you aren't interested in her interests?
Your Android fetish is a hobby. There are more important things in life that you should be paying attention to. I'm not saying this girl is -the- one you'll be with for the rest of your life, but things like growing and improving social skills should take greater precedence than learning and keeping what's up with the latest and greatest on Cyanogen mods.
Take my advice for what it's worth to you. Just remember, at the end of the day, it's just a phone.
Im not returning the N1. I shouldn't have ever posted this thread. I know exactly what important things are in my life(what exactly did you even mean by that??). I'm going to stop this now because people don't and can't know every detail about our relationship and it is now being misinterpreted.
And it's not about roms or tweaks it's about the future of technology, which I think everyone can agree is rather important
well this is funny... you are trying to find a girlfriend on XDA ?
cupcake2301 said:
well this is funny... you are trying to find a girlfriend on XDA ?
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LOL, I lol'd big time.
Sent from my GT-I9000 using XDA App
PaulForde said:
LOL, I lol'd big time.
Sent from my GT-I9000 using XDA App
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So did I mate ! The OP should go to some dating fora or something why on XDA ! LOL !
fk, i had something like this too once, since then i didnt talk about phones that much anymore xD..
well but she knows now that this is like a hobby for me, and its not that bad when i talk about it from time to time...
hell we are techjunkies, but even we need to hold back with our tech **** when talking to a girl xD
(i knew that before, but, for example, i couldnt live with it, if my gf would buy an iphone.................XD)
griffincash said:
Im not returning the N1. I shouldn't have ever posted this thread. I know exactly what important things are in my life(what exactly did you even mean by that??). I'm going to stop this now because people don't and can't know every detail about our relationship and it is now being misinterpreted.
And it's not about roms or tweaks it's about the future of technology, which I think everyone can agree is rather important
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You telling me that it's not about ROM or tweaks and that it is actually about the future of technology is really a bad attempt at justifying your hobby. This is even illustrated by the following clause when you feel the need to garner further support of your hobby by amassing the opinions of your fellow XDA members.
But nevermind that, good luck with the relationship. I do hope that things work out in the end.
daamn!!!
I usually dont talk about phones when Im with my girl... hell I've even visited xda less, since Im in a normal relations (not those in which I have to be responsible for everyf**king thing.. - had one of those about a year and a half ago)
anyways - just find something to talk about that is interesting for both of you + keeps your mind off the phones...
or if you can't you can get yourself off the xda, or you can always ask someone to ban you.. just kidding
so basically she had the bravery to say : $500 fone or no sammiches
and ur happy about it
ignore this i'll just try and earn money for this purchase.
jlt220 said:
If this is not allowed here on XDA i will delete it in a heartbeat. but hopefully here in off topic it is kosher
http://Laptops.Megafreebie.com?referral=28626
is my link i need 28 people to sign up and do one just on offer many of which are free.
I don't have much to offer in return but thanks, maybe some google+ invites(not that those are rare anymore), and maybe even some light cash(albeit probably very light) but i have signed up for the site and haven't gotten spam, so if you do a free offer and help me it would be awesome.
i'm in college studying architecture and this would be a huge help over my inspiron e1705 from 4 years ago
If you are willing to do it for nothing i will be eternally grateful
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You have better luck finding a job...lol (not trying to be a 8===D)
But good luck anyway, I wouldn't sign up for a site like that, seems to easy, if it's too good to be true, it usually is.
what makes it not too good to be true is the hassle of having to get others to buy into the idea, and actually doing offers, it's all advertising. for sites like intuit, gamefly etc.
but i do understand not wanting to deal with it.
jlt220 said:
what makes it not too good to be true is the hassle of having to get others to buy into the idea, and actually doing offers, it's all advertising. for sites like intuit, gamefly etc.
but i do understand not wanting to deal with it.
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You can't find 28 friends? lol I'm sure they would be more willing to help than a random people here?
this is true, but because they are my friends i'd rather not hassle them about it, instead i can roll the dice here and see if anyone here is up to it
at least i'm being honest about it right?
jlt220 said:
this is true, but because they are my friends i'd rather not hassle them about it, instead i can roll the dice here and see if anyone here is up to it
at least i'm being honest about it right?
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Yeah, I feels, good luck. You should just go read the rules real quick and make sure this is even allowed. They aren't that long
i did and i think i am clear, though this could be boarder line spamming i suppose or advertising... if interpreted as such i will delete it.
I will leave it for now...but I am keeping my eyes on it.
TheRomMistress said:
I will leave it for now...but I am keeping my eyes on it.
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thank you, let me know and i'll change the post to something worthy of an off topic post
I had her email.
Chatted with her on AIM
Actually she still has her account but hasn't signed in.
She deleted her Yahoo so no contact.
What should I do?
verycoolalan said:
i had her email.
Chatted with her on aim
actually she still has her account but hasn't signed in.
She deleted her yahoo so no contact.
What should i do?
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find a new girl alan
fleurdelisxliv said:
find a new girl alan
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+1.
-We do what we must because we can; for the good of all of us, except the ones who are dead-
She didn't delete it, she blocked you.
jaszek said:
She didn't delete it, she blocked you.
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Ouch
Sent from my LG-P999 using xda premium
VeryCoolAlan said:
What should I do?
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Continue with life. You have very little choice.
jaszek said:
She didn't delete it, she blocked you.
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Haha! If she is that girl for whom you opened 3 threads,she's blocked you for sure xD
Sent from my GT-S5570 using XDA App
dexter93 said:
Haha! If she is that girl for whom you opened 3 threads,she's blocked you for sure xD
Sent from my GT-S5570 using XDA App
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Haha nahh they were about three different girls.
Lol okay
Sent from my SGH-T959 using xda premium
Just float on man. No woman is worth the trouble. Just ask error or me. They're a pain in the arse.
-My life is a shooting range, people never change-
Alan, personally i think you're a bloody nice bloke. You're open, honest, sincere.. and i don't think you'd know a scruple if it hit you in the face. Basically you're too nice for most girls you're age. Hell, too nice for most girls full stop. You are in more danger of getting into the 'friendship zone' than any man i know!
All that means is you'll find it hard to find a woman that deserves you. The others will be going after guys that treat them crap, that don't appreciate them and who take them for granted, while you are left looking on from the sidelines wondering to yourself, "what the hell does she see in him?" That is the lot of the nice guy i'm afraid.
The good news is that those aren't the women you want to be with, and you're better off without them anyway. Right now, if one of the more shallow females that you may be acquainted with started showing interest, you would be right to question if there may be a chance that you became a gaping asshole over-night. If however, an equally kind and sincere woman decided to show some interest, no matter how long it took for that to happen, you would know that it's something worth betting the bank on.
The worst thing you could do right now, and the biggest pitfall, would be to try and be someone you're not, just to attract someone you like. Tempting as it may be to try and elevate your status to that of some sort of man-god, women of either kind will see right through that facade. Either way you'd lose!
What you should be doing right now is carrying on with your life. By all means take the opportunity to speak to as many members of the opposite sex as possible. But do it as one person to another, not as some post-pubescent teenager desperate to get his rocks off, Otherwise you may as well tattoo 'i want to get laid' on your forehead, guaranteeing that it will never happen! Don't be a douche, be the nice guy that you actually are. Be yourself.
Of course if you're good, you can fake confidence and charm. I know this from experience. You can trick a woman into liking you. But ultimately, you lose big time doing that. You can't keep up the pretence forever, and you'll always be with a person you have no respect for anyway. Epic Fail basically!
I'd say that perhaps 5% of the worlds population are decent people. People that i personally would want to know. I'd include you in that small percentage. Sadly that means that the odds are stacked against you when it comes to finding a suitable partner. After all, you shouldn't have to settle for one of the 95%, and everyone on your level is fighting it out for the remaining 5%! But on the upside, those 5% of decent women and prospective partners have already ruled out the 95% of sub-standard men and are looking for the 5% that they would be happy with too.
Another way to interpret that is to say that if you are average, and you are looking for average, there's a damn good chance that something will happen for you... no matter how 'average' that something is. If you are above average, and are looking for something that is equally decent, you had better bloody well be patient; but the payoff will be so much better in the end.
The way i see it playing out? One day when you're still scratching around in desperation trying to pinpoint your ideal woman, she'll already be in your life, trying to make herself known to you... and if you're lucky, you won't miss the signals.
Two things:
He is 14 or 15 (should be concentrating on having a life and school)
and he is a Troll...and this comes from a troll...I guess it takes one to know one
If I see any more threads like this I'ma lose it
When i was 15 i was already living with a girl. I wish there had been the Internet back then to vent my spleen in. As it was i had to write letters through a Sunday School support scheme for 'adolescent issues'. If i needed support with my teen problems i was SOL.
Alan is a genuine guy facing the same problems as any guy his age. He deserves a little guidance. God knows i wish i had some at that age!
Great advice Dirk. You are a true gentleman. Wise words as always. I (and I'm sure many others) read and respect many of your posts.
DirkGently said:
Alan, personally i think you're a bloody nice bloke. You're open, honest, sincere.. and i don't think you'd know a scruple if it hit you in the face. Basically you're too nice for most girls you're age. Hell, too nice for most girls full stop. You are in more danger of getting into the 'friendship zone' than any man i know!
All that means is you'll find it hard to find a woman that deserves you. The others will be going after guys that treat them crap, that don't appreciate them and who take them for granted, while you are left looking on from the sidelines wondering to yourself, "what the hell does she see in him?" That is the lot of the nice guy i'm afraid.
The good news is that those aren't the women you want to be with, and you're better off without them anyway. Right now, if one of the more shallow females that you may be acquainted with started showing interest, you would be right to question if there may be a chance that you became a gaping asshole over-night. If however, an equally kind and sincere woman decided to show some interest, no matter how long it took for that to happen, you would know that it's something worth betting the bank on.
The worst thing you could do right now, and the biggest pitfall, would be to try and be someone you're not, just to attract someone you like. Tempting as it may be to try and elevate your status to that of some sort of man-god, women of either kind will see right through that facade. Either way you'd lose!
What you should be doing right now is carrying on with your life. By all means take the opportunity to speak to as many members of the opposite sex as possible. But do it as one person to another, not as some post-pubescent teenager desperate to get his rocks off, Otherwise you may as well tattoo 'i want to get laid' on your forehead, guaranteeing that it will never happen! Don't be a douche, be the nice guy that you actually are. Be yourself.
Of course if you're good, you can fake confidence and charm. I know this from experience. You can trick a woman into liking you. But ultimately, you lose big time doing that. You can't keep up the pretence forever, and you'll always be with a person you have no respect for anyway. Epic Fail basically!
I'd say that perhaps 5% of the worlds population are decent people. People that i personally would want to know. I'd include you in that small percentage. Sadly that means that the odds are stacked against you when it comes to finding a suitable partner. After all, you shouldn't have to settle for one of the 95%, and everyone on your level is fighting it out for the remaining 5%! But on the upside, those 5% of decent women and prospective partners have already ruled out the 95% of sub-standard men and are looking for the 5% that they would be happy with too.
Another way to interpret that is to say that if you are average, and you are looking for average, there's a damn good chance that something will happen for you... no matter how 'average' that something is. If you are above average, and are looking for something that is equally decent, you had better bloody well be patient; but the payoff will be so much better in the end.
The way i see it playing out? One day when you're still scratching around in desperation trying to pinpoint your ideal woman, she'll already be in your life, trying to make herself known to you... and if you're lucky, you won't miss the signals.
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Yes! You understand me!
I always see really pretty girls be like made fun of and yet it makes them like them better. I tried that once but ended up being an ass so I stopped and went back to be myself. I also tried to dress differently and didn't like it. So i went back to baggy ripped jeans and a plain $5 shirt.
I also know about the too nice guy thing. People always tell me I'm too nice and when my someone make fun of me someone always tells me why I don't standup for myself....I don't know maybe I just don't like violence or yelling.
Anyways...thanks a lot for this advice!!!!
So now moving on xD
Should I chase another girl at school? or just not care?
DirkGently said:
Alan, personally i think you're a bloody nice bloke. You're open, honest, sincere.. and i don't think you'd know a scruple if it hit you in the face. Basically you're too nice for most girls you're age. Hell, too nice for most girls full stop. You are in more danger of getting into the 'friendship zone' than any man i know!
All that means is you'll find it hard to find a woman that deserves you. The others will be going after guys that treat them crap, that don't appreciate them and who take them for granted, while you are left looking on from the sidelines wondering to yourself, "what the hell does she see in him?" That is the lot of the nice guy i'm afraid.
The good news is that those aren't the women you want to be with, and you're better off without them anyway. Right now, if one of the more shallow females that you may be acquainted with started showing interest, you would be right to question if there may be a chance that you became a gaping asshole over-night. If however, an equally kind and sincere woman decided to show some interest, no matter how long it took for that to happen, you would know that it's something worth betting the bank on.
The worst thing you could do right now, and the biggest pitfall, would be to try and be someone you're not, just to attract someone you like. Tempting as it may be to try and elevate your status to that of some sort of man-god, women of either kind will see right through that facade. Either way you'd lose!
What you should be doing right now is carrying on with your life. By all means take the opportunity to speak to as many members of the opposite sex as possible. But do it as one person to another, not as some post-pubescent teenager desperate to get his rocks off, Otherwise you may as well tattoo 'i want to get laid' on your forehead, guaranteeing that it will never happen! Don't be a douche, be the nice guy that you actually are. Be yourself.
Of course if you're good, you can fake confidence and charm. I know this from experience. You can trick a woman into liking you. But ultimately, you lose big time doing that. You can't keep up the pretence forever, and you'll always be with a person you have no respect for anyway. Epic Fail basically!
I'd say that perhaps 5% of the worlds population are decent people. People that i personally would want to know. I'd include you in that small percentage. Sadly that means that the odds are stacked against you when it comes to finding a suitable partner. After all, you shouldn't have to settle for one of the 95%, and everyone on your level is fighting it out for the remaining 5%! But on the upside, those 5% of decent women and prospective partners have already ruled out the 95% of sub-standard men and are looking for the 5% that they would be happy with too.
Another way to interpret that is to say that if you are average, and you are looking for average, there's a damn good chance that something will happen for you... no matter how 'average' that something is. If you are above average, and are looking for something that is equally decent, you had better bloody well be patient; but the payoff will be so much better in the end.
The way i see it playing out? One day when you're still scratching around in desperation trying to pinpoint your ideal woman, she'll already be in your life, trying to make herself known to you... and if you're lucky, you won't miss the signals.
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That was so deep man
Sent from my LG-P999 using xda premium
VeryCoolAlan said:
Yes! You understand me!
I always see really pretty girls be like made fun of and yet it makes them like them better. I tried that once but ended up being an ass so I stopped and went back to be myself. I also tried to dress differently and didn't like it. So i went back to baggy ripped jeans and a plain $5 shirt.
I also know about the too nice guy thing. People always tell me I'm too nice and when my someone make fun of me someone always tells me why I don't standup for myself....I don't know maybe I just don't like violence or yelling.
Anyways...thanks a lot for this advice!!!!
So now moving on xD
Should I chase another girl at school? or just not care?
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Definitely move on to another girl in school, hell move to a girl at a different school, they don't know you as well as the others do and its like starting over, I'm 16 so I know this works (atleast for me)
Good luck!
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Ok folks, I don't frequently ask for advice in matters of the heart or personal stuff. Typically I confine myself to the realm of IT and phones. But awhile back when I was still whacked out over my Ex, I hurt someone I cared for greatly. It's been tough making things work out but I decided to lay everything on the line and I am mailing the following letter to her in hopes of things working out. Any input especially from the fairer sex (if there be any here :laugh would be appreciated. Any thoughts folks?
Redacted
,
There’s a great deal of things I would like to say to you. Many would most likely just be a rehash of things I have said before. I don’t believe though that anything I ever say from this moment on would be sufficient to change the way things are right now. I know I have tried time and time again to express my sincere regret for my actions. I did something terrible to you. It wasn’t getting you sick, it wasn’t making you feel used, and it wasn’t being a real jerk to you. It was turning my back on you. I walked away when I should have stayed and stood by you. I truly regret my actions and if I could, I would take them back and do things differently. I would have stayed by your side. I would have shown you that I was a good man and that I truly do care for you.
I’ve said this before and I do mean it, I have always felt something for you. Ever since we were children a part of me has been in love with you. Not just because I think you are beautiful, but because of who you are. I’ve always loved the way you carried yourself, the way you moved, the way you sat, everything. It wasn’t until we were adults that I realized behind the beauty and grace was a mind that was as wonderful as the rest of you. You are an amazing woman whom anyone would be lucky to have in their life.
When I changed my status and you messaged me, we talked and ended up admitting truths. When you accepted my offer for a date, I was elated. How often does the woman of your dreams, the one you’ve had a crush on your entire life, the one you always imagined asking out, actually pay attention to you and says yes to a date with you? When we went out, I thought I was over the past and I was wrong. I didn’t mean to hurt you the way I did.
The worst thing for me is being alone. Not necessarily being alone, but being alone in my thoughts. When I’m alone, I have nothing to distract me from my thoughts. I’ve had time to evaluate my actions, my decisions, and my life. I see a great many mistakes I have made in my life. Many of them I cringe at knowing I did or said those things. I look back at turning my back on you and I want to just berate myself and kick myself over and over again for what I did. I was a fool for doing that. You deserved better than my actions and I have no excuse for what I did. Regardless of my mindset or my thoughts at the time, you deserved someone who would be there especially when he caused it. I wasn’t.
Since then, I have wanted nothing more than to make it up to you. To show you I am the man you deserve. I’ve wanted nothing more than to deserve you. I know I’ve made a royal mess of my life due to my actions and have damaged yours as well. You were doing great and while you may have wanted more in life and would have eventually attained that goal, I set you back. I don’t know how far and I hope it’s not nearly as far as I believe it to be. I believe you deserve the best in life. I believe we all do. I don’t know if I am what’s best for you, but I know that for me, settling for anyone other than you would be a grave mistake on my part. I would be a true fool to not try and show you I am a good man and I deserve a second chance.
I’ve tried calling you a fair amount lately, as well as texting you. You haven’t answered my phone calls and lately haven’t answered a single text. I can’t say I blame you for not talking to me all things considered. I’ve been terrible to you and haven’t been the person you need in your life. I want to be that man but I don’t know if you can ever let go of the past and the distrust. I don’t know if you can ever truly trust me again. That in itself is a shame as I am a good man and would be willing to do just about anything to ensure your well being and your happiness. Once committed to something, I am determined to see it through. Perhaps you think I should be committed for being this way, but it’s who I am. It takes something major to change my mind about things. I think you know that by now.
I know that between not working and with the medical issues you’ve mentioned that you might be unsure of things. I know that you’ve said you don’t believe I can make decisions that take you into consideration. I want you to know that even knowing that you have problems medically, that if things are as bad as you fear, that you may not be around for as long as you would like to be, I am still here and I won’t walk away just because things are difficult again. I did once and I learned a valuable lesson from doing so. I learned what was worth fighting for and what wasn’t. I want to be there for you. I want to show you the support you deserve and be there for you when you want and need me. I already am even though you may not want me to be.
You agreed with me once that if I had not been a fool and been the man a woman like you deserves, we both may have been happy together right now. Despite all the bad, we would have been together and together we would have worked towards something great.
There’s a saying, one that I agree with, “Nothing good in life is ever easy.” I believe that the best things in life are worth fighting for. I believe that you are worth it. That despite where I may stand in your eyes or in your heart, I believe trying is the right thing to do. I may be wrong but without your input, I don’t know to stop.
I am not asking you to jump into anything with me. I would like for you to, but I can wait a bit for that. What I am asking is that we start over and that you let me prove to you that I am worth a second chance. I want to prove to you that I am the man you deserve, one that will always be there for you. I’d like to pick up things where we left off, but I don’t believe that’s an option anymore. I’m willing to start anywhere you think we should just so that one day I can rebuild the trust I shattered and one day we can have a relationship that puts others to shame.
I want to be more to you than a bad decision easily forgotten. I believe I deserve better than that and I believe that I can be the absolute best choice you’ve ever made.
You once said that I should focus on rebuilding my life. You said that I should fix my life before trying to start a relationship with you. I am working towards that every day. I have good and bad days but overall, things are moving in the right direction. I believe though that when I am not working or able to work towards my goals, the free time I have so to speak, that those times are when I should work on rebuilding your trust and our friendship, that those times should be spent with you.
I am going to rebuild my life better than before. I want that life to include you, to be there for you and you for me. I would like for us to be together for as long as we have on this earth. I would ask for the next life too, but I don’t want to seem too eager or greedy. I know things don’t always work out as planned and that all of this may be wishful thinking, but I truly believe that we were in each other’s paths again after so long a time apart for a reason. I do not believe though that our paths should diverge just yet. I believe that there is more for us here and that we should pursue it. I hope that deep down you feel the same way. I hope that somewhere deep inside is the desire to see things work out and for us to have a chance together even after everything that I caused.
I’ve made mistakes in my life before. I’ve made a great many of them, but none as great or none I regret more than hurting you and breaking your trust. I want you to know I will spend the rest of my life and do anything I have to in order to earn back your trust and friendship, to earn back the look in your eyes when you looked into mine, the right to hold your hand in mine again, to hold you close and say the things that matter in life.
I want to try again. I want to be the man for you. Will you let me be that man?
Sincerely,
Darrell
You sound like a young man. Take some advice from a 33 yr old that has walked many paths and who has loved and lost. As cliche as it sounds, its true, if its ment to be, it will happen. Explaining to her how you hurt and and how much you love her will not make her comeback. The heart wants what it wants. I know the pain at time seems unbearable at times and the obsesive thoughts seem to never to stop, but in time, the pain starts to recede, the thoughts slowly die down. Concentrate on yourself for now, stay away from alcohol, and live one day at a time. In time, you will find that special someone, and she will be nothing but a memory.
Man I hate to tell you but I hope the kids in OT don't have a hay day with this. It's a legitimate request. If things get to outta hand, hit me up with a PM. I've been down this road and it's not an easy one. If you want advice, shoot me a message. Best of luck to ya man!!
A toast from my Gnex aboard the Satisfaction!
Actually I'm 33. Big loveable guy at heart lol.
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DarrellRaines said:
Actually I'm 33. Big loveable guy at heart lol.
Sent from my Galaxy Nexus using xda premium
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O rly!? :what: Me and you have lived very diffrent lives.
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Some parts of it seemed long and repetitive.
I think you can cut it shorter but still say what you want to say.
If she hasn't replied your texts or returned your phone calls, a letter this long may be thrown out immediately.
Just my 2 cents.
Sent from my iPhone 5 using Tapatalk only because my kids are playing with the Note 2.
LoopDoGG79 said:
O rly!? :what: Me and you have lived very diffrent lives.
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I've been lucky. Up until recently I should say. I love freely and end up getting hurt a lot. We are the sum of our life experiences.
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I immediately skipped to this line at the bottom
I want to try again. I want to be the man for you. Will you let me be that man?
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That's all I need to read to tell you that you need to move on. Sorry, but it's true. Just the fact that you're asking her if you can "be that man" just says a lot.
I believe I deserve better than that
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Prove it. Go out there and find somebody better. After all, you do deserve it.
Ooooohhhhhh k, now that I've re-read it, I gotta take back what I said. Dude, you can't put yourself out there like that. You might as well be the weird stalker guy that watches her go to the grocery store. You gotta move on man. Swallow what little bit of pride you have and keep on going.
A wise man once told me, the only way to get over one girl is to get under another.
A toast from my Gnex aboard the Satisfaction!
'I am not asking you to jump into anything with me. I would like for you to, but I can wait a bit for that.'
you shouldn't write 'i can wait a bit'...
it sounds like 'yeah if you don't get laid by me next week, i'll search for another one'...
just write 'i can wait'
PS: good luck to you man!
Okay, I'm writing this in Notepad as I read what you wrote.
First paragraph, I'd trim this down. A lot of it is shooting yourself in the foot is going on here if your goal in this is to try to win her back.
"I turned my back on you. I walked away when I should have stayed and stood by you. I truly regret my actions. I wish I'd had the sense to stay by your side - I wish I could have been a better man."
Second paragraph, I'd cut this entirely, at least this early on.
Third paragraph : "You deserved better". You could attach this to the first at this point. A lot of this feels like a guilt trip for her when you're claiming you've hurt her. Don't tell her why YOU are needy and need her - why should she care (even if she does) ?
Fourth paragraph, same as second. This feels kind of random and unnecessary at this point.
Fifth paragraph. Okay. I don't know the situation, so that makes this really hard. But I wouldn't say in your letter that you DESERVE a second chance. Don't put this on her like she somehow needs to do you a favour. " I know I’ve made a royal mess of my life due to my actions and have damaged yours as well. You were doing great and while you may have wanted more in life and would have eventually attained that goal, I set you back. I don’t know how far, but I hope you're still able to attain all you wanted*" (*I don't know the situation, so I don't know how much she can expect ?) Tell her how you can HELP her attain whatever it is you set her back from, even if you can't directly.
Sixth paragraph. This whole letter is really vague so far - have you edited it for the internet ? If not, I'd be more specific. "I don't know if you can ever trust me again, that I understand". She knows she's been ignoring you - you don't have to tell HER that.
Seventh. "I wish I had been good enough to not have to hurt you in the process of learning what was worth living and fighting for". Somethingn like that.
Eight. You've basically said this before. Stop dwelling on it - it happened. What can you do to at least tell her in words that you're comitted to making a CHANGE ? What would you do in the FUTURE with her if you got back together at this point ? What would you do for HER ?
Nine. "Starting over" is not what you want. If you started over, well, you'd end up in the same place, right ? You need to express that you've learned and that that is always with you - that you're not going to mentally "start over".
Ten. Okay, what progress HAVE you made ? Can you tell her about THAT ? What can you do to make progress with her ? What would you like to do if you were to start "slow" ?
Eleven and Tweleve. I'm not going to comment on these, specifically.
Okay, so.
If I was reading this, I would feel you're too focused on NEEDING her and it's a lot of words, words, words - but no action. It's all talk and not much substance to actually mean something to someone who's been hurt. Address what you did. Address what you would DO. Address HOW you've changed, what you're doing. Let her know specifics about what you're doing to improve your life and yourself. Let her know HOW you can help her, what are you willing to do ? How can you support her ?
I'm not here to comment on if this is the right thing to do or if you need to move on. Maybe you do - I don't know. I don't know you or the situation. I'm just reading this, trying to think about if I'd been sent it.
I'm reading a whole lot of "I WANT you in MY life" - but no really good reasons why she should want to be in yours. Why should she ? ... SHOULD she ? If it really would be good for her, why ? Don't tell her that she needs to "fight" for this with you - if she's the one who's been hurt, why should she have to struggle any more ? Show her that you've changed and advanced enough that it wouldn't need to be something difficult.
Don't take this too personally. I don't know you, I don't know her - I don't know what happened. I can't tell you the best 'advice' possible without that.
Beware rebounds. If you haven't fixed your **** before trying to move on, you'll invariably **** up again and probably make the same sort of mistakes - or hey, maybe even all new ones. Figure your **** out - it's what this girl you're writing to wants to see - and it's what any girl who isn't going to be another couple broken hearts is going to want to see. It's old, but it's true - you can't expect to find someone to fully love and commit to you if you're not even fully what you want from yourself.
I tried. :good:
^ Great suggestions.
To OP, I read the whole thing. Twice. You're truly expressing yourself, but you don't need to keep reminding her what happened. She KNOWS what happened. And I would even say she dwells on it. So saying stuff like 'I turned my back on you" wouldn't really help. Being self critical is fine, but I found it to be slightly overkill.
And, in the whole letter, I kept searching for the world "sorry". You haven't said sorry even once. You NEED to tell her your sorry. She NEEDS to know that. You need to actually apologize to her instead of saying that you are unworthy.
If you really think she's the one, go pursue her, and don't let up.
I'm much younger than you, but I hope my advice helps.
Best of luck, mate.
So I read your letter and I can see that you're very troubled with the situation. A lot of people here have given you great advice, I'd really consider not shooting yourself in the foot like the person above stated.
My main concern is the letter seems more about you feeling bad and wanting to make things right rather than actually apologize and let the chips fall where they may, again like the person above stated.
My two cents, take out at least half of your "I"s . Don't beat yourself up especially in a letter to her as that won't inspire confidence in you as a man. Straight up, be a man; apologize for whatever happened, tell her what you feel, and then give her space. Sucks but other than that you'll suffocate her.
Hope all goes well man.
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