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Like taking a candy from a girl on a stick / by Nir Cohen (2003)

It was a night unlike any other day,
I was standing on the edge of the cliff hugging the sunset - it kicked me in the head at about 40dB and asked me to leave her be so that she can finish her shift but alas, the moon stood her up.
I turned and walked in reverse. I fell. I fell again. I fell again. I was sick of falling so I got up when suddenly I felt myself surrounded. I felt right.
2 VR6 dogs, one brown, one left started negotiating with me a monologue and when they were done, they started running towards me with an ambition never seen that night. they worked on me for a few hours to think they're dogs. their work yielded my bones.
The cliff drew me towards itself. I pulled back but found it was charged with attractivity and i stayed hanging on it's lip. it screamed. I realized that David Copperfield is dead for a while now thus he cannot help me up.. and besides.. he's an asshole.
I grabbed the tongue of a mexican eggplant passing in its car at the same moment. assuming I prefered to stay alive, I decided to claim my innocence and ask the honorable eggplant to lift me up not foreseeing any dagner since an eggplant as all eggplants, is mute. Murphey decided to prove me wrong and the eggplant asked for a cigarette. to my surprise, I fell down.
Death was quick and insensitive, it cursed my existance in every possible way until i bled diet cola.
I returned to my home petit, and sprained my ankle. It hurt. As i sat to eat breakslow, my brain figured out that a mechanical catalogization of the day's happenings will certainly be preceived as a routine incident of prehistorical philanthropy and so, I will save the world. I sew a custome. returning to the cliff, I triple jumped from the cliff for inspiration but found that I am not strong enough as to flap my hands so to keep me in the air for more than a few moments and I banged my head on a sharp rock which calibrated its position to hit my brain a few moments before i landed.
A cornslice came out of an unhomogeneous door, stroke me a niner and lost itself to death.. poor corn.
spunked up, my decision to finish the day was fatal to my socks. I fell asleep to death.

I didnt know mescaline was still popular. I once puked whole sheets of plywood.

I was supposed to eat that pill? I gave it away as candy on halloween! I guess I live in a bad neighborhood so no harm done, right?
"There is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible and depraved than a mod in the depths of an ether binge. And I knew we'd get into that rotten stuff pretty soon."

..........

MMMMMMMMMMM.............weed...............mmmmmmmmmmmm

wOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
CHOCOLATE RAIN!

i think nir is on crack today, or is it the studies

i actually followed evey word
it a whirlwind of emotion

mikechannon said:
I have to admit it is weirdly, madly deeply poetic. Certainly more than a walk on the embers of love with happiness obliterating the beacon of doom - well I think so anyway It reminds me of those heady days savouring the delights of that mushy wench, Psilosybin Mexicana.
Mike
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So you have visited and tested one of the Mexican deligths uh?

MMMMMMMMMM...................shrooms.....................mmmmmmmmmm

I don't use drugs. if in "shrooms" you are implying that i am

nir36 said:
I don't use drugs. if in "shrooms" you are implying that i am
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Don't worry, like most off topic's , I think the thread has left the OP behind.

ha ha shrooms
feeling totally left out as a teetotaler
it reminded me of a story be phillip k. **** (do andorids dream of electric sheep?, We can remember it for you wholesale, Minority report, paycheck)
i think its called The Story to End All Stories for Harlan Ellison’s Anthology Dangerous Visions and its from Volume V, The Little Black Box of his collected stories.
its basically about two he shes in space having a baby then fighting over it so one of them eats it up then they realise it was god

jayjay8585 said:
ha ha shrooms
feeling totally left out as a teetotaler
it reminded me of a story be phillip k. **** (do andorids dream of electric sheep?, We can remember it for you wholesale, Minority report, paycheck)
i think its called The Story to End All Stories for Harlan Ellison’s Anthology Dangerous Visions and its from Volume V, The Little Black Box of his collected stories.
its basically about two he shes in space having a baby then fighting over it so one of them eats it up then they realise it was god
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wow. I think i'm going to rewrite his story about that and post it here. sounds like a magical story.
I would like to recommend a few books.
- The man and the dildo, by ingmar booboofixer
- Walking on the moo, by someone who dislikes cows
- Garage Barage, by the US airforce
and
- Mixing up with the likes of thee - a story of brotherhood between sisters, by Horace Blackfont

The man and the dildo, by ingmar booboofixer
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a story of brotherhood between sisters
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Originally Posted by nir36 View Post
I don't use drugs. if in "shrooms" you are implying that i am
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.....
wth isent Quote's included in the 10chars limit?

Bah. I'm hurt. you are all assuming that such talent in writing idiotic, pointless things can only be done by being a junkie. OFFENDED is what i am. OFFENDED!

i dont
respect the mental mod massive!!!!

jayjay8585 said:
i dont
respect the mental mod massive!!!!
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what was the word i dont for

clearly you guys have gone crazier than I have. so to reclaim my insanitfy i'll post another story i wrote like 6 years ago.

The indian guy who didn't know why (biblical story)
it was 8:00 pm, and it was green
I leaped over to the window to watch a game of EarBall between 2eggplants who tried kick one another in the ear while the "babbit rabbit" ate one of them but the blinds were closed and I couldn't see anything.
I could not ignore the fact that by using an RPG you can just lift the blind and his sister but due the a short workday in radioactive cornflakes factory I gave up the sportive activity required to perform the action.
Even tho it was summer, it wasn't cold. on the contrary, i WAS cold. I went out to the garden to find a best viewing angle but the eggplants were already gone and "babbit rabbit" died from an epileptic siezure due to stamp overlicking.
I wore my underwear, went outside, and back in. I was sick of being inside all day so I came back in and went down to the attic to sort my collection of beans. one bean attacked me with a dropkick to the left brow but i managed to contain it by injecting 6 litres of cyanide to its left lobe. it screamed for help but there was no one there. Yossi died.
As i was sorting my beans by name, i felt a pat on my shoulder. I turned 360 degrees and saw exactly what i was seeing before. I thought that this might've been a defected calculation and maybe 520 more degrees are required... when suddenly, i saw it. a big head with nothing underneath was looking at me through glittering eyes with a huge nose, 2 eyebrows connected by a safety pin and 2 chin dimples.
the glittering eyes with the huge nose turned to me and asked: "who's boy are you?!"
I responded.
This was face traumatizing. since then, i do not go down to the attic anyless to sort beans by name - only by format (bean.exe.. and so forth)..

** Off-Topic Dreams Thread **

rewind millions of years. I was part of this massive collective consciousness terraforming the earth. We could move things thinking of it alone.We were moving continents, shaping the oceans, mountains.. etc... then I was assigned a task. I observed this one coral for ten millions years! my job was to observe and note everything about it. The coral turned into a precious stone. I felt the passage of millions of years, but felt not tired hungry or the need to sleep. I just stood there taking notes.

Lmao.. I'll have whatever you're having
But this was no dream, It's the thought from your past life,

Was I don in your dream?

Lol
Sent from my E15i using XDA App

Didn't something similar happen to Marvin in THHGTTG?
Drove him slightly bonkers iirc. Dreams like that make my head hurt.

I had a dream that the world was at war with Africa.
I was flying off the African coast when our plane crashed and I ended up in a life raft with some others, just as we saw the nukes hit.
We had a choice, either try to swim down below the flames/heat and hope to live but probably end up drowning, or stay at the surface for as long as possible and have a quicker death.
I chose the latter, and I remember trying to swim up to the surface after the raft was obliterated, and seeing the bones in my right arm.
Then everything went dark.
I was then in something like an underground abattoir, wearing a blood soaked rubber apron, huge meat cleavers and other nasty looking surgical implements were hanging up, and I had no control of my body, like I was undead.

xaccers said:
I had a dream that the world was at war with Africa.
I was flying off the African coast when our plane crashed and I ended up in a life raft with some others, just as we saw the nukes hit.
We had a choice, either try to swim down below the flames/heat and hope to live but probably end up drowning, or stay at the surface for as long as possible and have a quicker death.
I chose the latter, and I remember trying to swim up to the surface after the raft was obliterated, and seeing the bones in my right arm.
Then everything went dark.
I was then in something like an underground abattoir, wearing a blood soaked rubber apron, huge meat cleavers and other nasty looking surgical implements were hanging up, and I had no control of my body, like I was undead.
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good for you! being an undead!

Omnichron said:
rewind millions of years. I was part of this massive collective consciousness terraforming the earth. We could move things thinking of it alone.We were moving continents, shaping the oceans, mountains.. etc... then I was assigned a task. I observed this one coral for ten millions years! my job was to observe and note everything about it. The coral turned into a precious stone. I felt the passage of millions of years, but felt not tired hungry or the need to sleep. I just stood there taking notes.
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Dude, chill with the minecrafting

hiu115 said:
good for you! being an undead!
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Well it's good to not let a little thing like death get you down

Nope. I guess my brain is wired that way. I've always had vivid dreams.
One dream I had sometime ago:
There were 7 obelisks floating high up in the heavens. These obelisks represented the 7 major religions of earth. And miles way was a huge generic temple that encompassed my entire field of view. All of a sudden I heard 3 loud bell gongs that shook me to the depths of my soul (an apocalyptic kind of feel to the whole thing), and the 7 obelisks came crashing down on the temple destroying everything. Our view of God was flawed so our belief system was done away with. Now God was ready to present himself to us.
crazy uh?

I just generally tend to fail in my dreams. Dream about being able to fly...fail to take off. About to get down and dirty with a hot girl...wake up.
My dreams reflect my reality. Endless frustration.
FML.

DirkGently said:
I just generally tend to fail in my dreams. Dream about being able to fly...fail to take off. About to get down and dirty with a hot girl...wake up.
My dreams reflect my reality. Endless frustration.
FML.
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use the Dream Talk recorder on iShits...

hiu115 said:
use the Dream Talk recorder on iShits...
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I think i just need to download 'Brain V1.1, bug-fix patch'.

I had loads of mini dreams..Wierd

I remember i got a call from a friend:
(F = Friend, M = Me)
F - Dude where are you?!
M - I'm at my place. What?
F - What?! I'm waiting for you down the road in my Mustang, come!
M - I'm sorry, what?
F - Come and meet me!
M - What the hell are you talking about?
*Silence*
F - Oh crap, i just talked in my sleep. Yeah.... I'm at home.
I also remember crashing at his place after an alcoholic night, and when i woke up i turned around and saw that he had a lighter in his mouth, so i poked him and asked what the hell he was doing, and then he said "What? Ooooh, i dreamt that i was eating candy".

Danielle can be hilarious if she falls asleep on the sofa before we go up to bed.
She'll "wake up" and brush her teeth, tell me something like "have you authorised that file. For the unicorn. The file, you know, what Val said."
And I have to try and keep a straight face (difficult as she's so cute) otherwise she gets frustrated.
I once caught her putting her glasses in the dishwasher, not drinking glasses, spectacles!

xaccers said:
Danielle can be hilarious if she falls asleep on the sofa before we go up to bed.
She'll "wake up" and brush her teeth, tell me something like "have you authorised that file. For the unicorn. The file, you know, what Val said."
And I have to try and keep a straight face (difficult as she's so cute) otherwise she gets frustrated.
I once caught her putting her glasses in the dishwasher, not drinking glasses, spectacles!
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Funny, but cute!
Anybody here mastered the art of Lucid dreaming?

DirkGently said:
Funny, but cute!
Anybody here mastered the art of Lucid dreaming?
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I became quite good at starting it, but never succeeded in keeping it going. I was so into it at one point that I quite regularly realised that things in my dreams were obviously not real and therefore I was dreaming. I usually start flying and wake up a couple of seconds later, really excited. I think adrenaline kicks in with the excitement and it's too much for me to stay asleep
Apparently, spinning on the spot is good for not waking you up and once you've been doing that for a while you should have calmed enough to take full advantage of the situation.
How about you Dirk - have you had any luck?

anyone fall or get hit and like have a weird "jolt" and wake up ? Anyone else?xD

Archer said:
I became quite good at starting it, but never succeeded in keeping it going. I was so into it at one point that I quite regularly realised that things in my dreams were obviously not real and therefore I was dreaming. I usually start flying and wake up a couple of seconds later, really excited. I think adrenaline kicks in with the excitement and it's too much for me to stay asleep
Apparently, spinning on the spot is good for not waking you up and once you've been doing that for a while you should have calmed enough to take full advantage of the situation.
How about you Dirk - have you had any luck?
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I tried for a while without success. Everything you're supposed to do as you fall asleep would only keep me awake!
I used to have terrible trouble falling asleep when i was younger though. Brain would just go into overdrive to the point where i would spin out with it all and have to get up again to calm down! It took some time but i trained myself to counter that and now i can fall asleep instantly using my 'method' (TM)
MacaronyMax said:
anyone fall or get hit and like have a weird "jolt" and wake up ? Anyone else?xD
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There's a name for that but for the life of me i can't remember what it is. Reminds me of Inception though!
Some say that the bad things that happen in dreams are your brains way of preparing you for the bad things that might happen while you're awake. Systematic desensitization if you like. I wonder if there's any truth in that?

Share your REAL Paranormal Experiences!!!

Im a huge paranormal stuff fan, and I love to watch movies like Paranormal activity1, The haunting in Connecticut and The Fourth Kind.
I love them because they are scary as hell and sometimes don't let you sleep XD
As for paranormal experiences, I remember back in 2009 in my Grandma's house, I'd hear footsteps down the stairs and knocks on doors even when no one was there. Also, doors would open randomly and there was no sign of anyone or anything.
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The Devils Rejects, hands down. I'm really excited for The Lords of Salem too.
Edit: now that the OP changed the title of this thread from "favorite horror/ paranormal movie", my post makes no sense here.

Love REC
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If anyone is wondering, don't watch Chernobyl Diaries. No, not only it's not scary, also cause it royally sucks.
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Meh I'm not a fan of scary movies. Mostly because none of them are actually scary.
Now there is an abandoned warehouse near my ex-girflriends house that is haunted by something seriously evil. Everyone I know says that every time they pass it they get a really bad chill down their spine and feel like something is watching them. There is a sidewalk on either side of the street but no one who lives in the area walks on the one that is on the same side as the warehouse, well unless it is some kid getting dared to do it.

StormMcCloud said:
Meh I'm not a fan of scary movies. Mostly because none of them are actually scary.
Now there is an abandoned warehouse near my ex-girflriends house that is haunted by something seriously evil. Everyone I know says that every time they pass it they get a really bad chill down their spine and feel like something is watching them. There is a sidewalk on either side of the street but no one who lives in the area walks on the one that is on the same side as the warehouse, well unless it is some kid getting dared to do it.
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I bet it's just å hype. Try walking past it.
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FromiOSToAndroid said:
I bet it's just å hype. Try walking past it.
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Nope not hype. I would always take the next street over to get to her house because I didn't like going past that place. Something about that building just feels wrong.
It also probably doesn't help that a few people died in it back in the 50's because of an electrical fire.

StormMcCloud said:
Nope not hype. I would always take the next street over to get to her house because I didn't like going past that place. Something about that building just feels wrong.
It also probably doesn't help that a few people died in it back in the 50's because of an electrical fire.
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Dang, that sounds bad
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I think they should ask a petition to demolish such buildings, or this would make those spirits mad? I don't believe that much, as ad atheist, bit if I feel something...
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I suspect Archer might close this thread tomorrow if there aren't some other posts except movies, and I'm a little buzzed and haven't told anyone this in a long time, so here goes. Maybe should have in Confessions though...
I was in a dark period in my life many years ago, 25, stupid, wasting my life in many ways. I was pretty enamored of the Vampire Chronicles by Anne Rice, some of the most well-written books out there, to the point where I wanted to have one of the vampires take me away, claim me, and take me to the Dark Side. Literally.
And one of them showed up. This is not a joke and is absolutely true so please read on.
I was laying in my bed, very late one night. I had a habit of keeping the room totally dark, all doors and windows closed, in a position much like a coffin with the covers tucked in tightly around me. A couple of nights previously, I had managed to somehow leave my body behind while I floated up through the ceiling, through the roof, above the house, looking around and very much enjoying the experience, and then I realized exactly what I was doing and SNAPPED back to my body, waking almost in a panic. I was frigidly cold for about an hour, but I was very excited that I had managed to do it and wanted to do it again.
Well, that eventful night, I was in my normal position, when I suddenly snapped awake and I KNEW that Something was in the room with me. I looked into the deep darkness across my small bedroom, and there was Something darker still staring back at me. It was big and dark and terrible and powerful, and I knew that it had come for me after I had gotten his attention a couple of nights before. I stared back for what seemed to be hours, but I knew it was merely fractions of a second. I then understood that it was now my time to choose. I could go with him, and see and do things I could scarcely imagine.
At that instant, I backed my body up to the wall behind the bed and yelled, "Jesus, protect me". I was terrified. Suddenly a bright glowing shield appeared in front of me and moved toward the Darkness. No sooner did that happen then it flew out the door. I felt the door open and close so fast I could not see it, but I felt the wind. I got up and ran out of the room, and I could still feel the air movement from the front door as well.
So I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that there really are terrible and monstrous things out there. This was the Real Deal. It literally scared me straight and showed me in no uncertain terms that I was making the wrong choices in my life.

Dude, you're a good writer! Not sarcastic (might even be my first post that isn't )
That is a chilling story. I don't have any of my own, but I wanted to thank you for sharing.
Sent from my coffee pot.

TheSkinnyDrummer said:
Dude, you're a good writer! Not sarcastic (might even be my first post that isn't )
That is a chilling story. I don't have any of my own, but I wanted to thank you for sharing.
Sent from my coffee pot.
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Thanks friend. I will never forget a single detail from that night. It has been over 20 years now, and I still remember it like yesterday.
I do like to write, but I have to be in that groove. I am sure you know the feeling. I did 90%+ of my New User Guide in two one hour spans with 5 hours of not-really-sleep in the middle since my wife made me come to bed , then very minor tweaking.

mf2112 said:
Thanks friend. I will never forget a single detail from that night. It has been over 20 years now, and I still remember it like yesterday.
I do like to write, but I have to be in that groove. I am sure you know the feeling. I did 90%+ of my New User Guide in two one hour spans with 5 hours of not-really-sleep in the middle since my wife made me come to bed , then very minor tweaking.
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Oh yeah! OK, I forgot that was you that you wrote that guide...awesome! I still wish more people would read it though lol.
And I'm with you on the "groove". :thumbup::thumbup::thumbup:
Sent from my coffee pot.

I hope Mr. Archer does not come and ruin the fun
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FromiOSToAndroid said:
I hope Mr. Archer does not come and ruin the fun
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Who knows, he might be fine with it. Sorry I started a derailment chatting with mf2112. He's a valued member and he had a great story.
Sent from my coffee pot.

Maybe Archer won't close it if the OP changes the title and removes the part about movies.
Also I know it's not really paranormal but has anyone else ever had sleep paralysis?
I've experienced it twice in my life both times were during the same night. The first time it happened I woke up and could move my eyes but nothing else. At first it didn't bother me but then I looked up and the ceiling above me started bubbling and turning a dark red. The next thing I knew it started dripping, then pouring, what looked like blood onto me. I kept trying to scream for help but every time I did it only came out a small whisper. The blood started pooling up around me until it it reached my mouth and nose. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't move at all and I started choking on the blood.
Right after that I sprung up coughing and everything was back to normal. I just chalked it up to being a bad dream, that for some reason I could remember all of, so I went back to sleep. About thirty minutes to an hour later I woke up again, once again unable to move. Fortunately this time I didn't have any weird hallucinations but I still couldn't move. It was not fun at all no matter how hard I tried to scream trying to get someone to help me it only came out a faint whisper.
Needless to say once I was fully awake I gave up on trying to sleep.

This one time I saw a ghost. I said hi and he said hi. It was a pretty awkward conversation. He had a Jamaican accent though. I think it was Bob Marley but I couldn't tell. He offered me some weed but it was ghost weed so I couldn't smoke it.

veeman said:
This one time I saw a ghost. I said hi and he said hi. It was a pretty awkward conversation. He had a Jamaican accent though. I think it was Bob Marley but I couldn't tell. He offered me some weed but it was ghost weed so I couldn't smoke it.
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Good job. Making fun of someone who died. Must feel like a Sir doing that.
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StormMcCloud said:
Maybe Archer won't close it if the OP changes the title and removes the part about movies.
Also I know it's not really paranormal but has anyone else ever had sleep paralysis?
I've experienced it twice in my life both times were during the same night. The first time it happened I woke up and could move my eyes but nothing else. At first it didn't bother me but then I looked up and the ceiling above me started bubbling and turning a dark red. The next thing I knew it started dripping, then pouring, what looked like blood onto me. I kept trying to scream for help but every time I did it only came out a small whisper. The blood started pooling up around me until it it reached my mouth and nose. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't move at all and I started choking on the blood.
Right after that I sprung up coughing and everything was back to normal. I just chalked it up to being a bad dream, that for some reason I could remember all of, so I went back to sleep. About thirty minutes to an hour later I woke up again, once again unable to move. Fortunately this time I didn't have any weird hallucinations but I still couldn't move. It was not fun at all no matter how hard I tried to scream trying to get someone to help me it only came out a faint whisper.
Needless to say once I was fully awake I gave up on trying to sleep.
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Sleep paralysis sucks bad, once I had SP and I was stuck in front a room full of demons and their shadows were in front of me.
Usually, the easiest way out of SP is to move your hand REAL fast, as that gradually reconnects your brain to your body.
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FromiOSToAndroid said:
Good job. Making fun of someone who died. Must feel like a Sir doing that.
Sent from my GT-I9100 using Tapatalk 2
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Making fun? Chill out bro. Bob Marley is awesome.

Pome: The Off-Topic Doggerel (Amateur Poetry) Thread

This is a place
To bring your face
And make up some rhyme
This is a place
Where, at a lyrical pace
We can all have a fun time!
I just felt like making a thread where we could all talk in rhyme.
And if any serious poetry does come out of it, all the better! :laugh:
Oh, and I do know that this is probably a BAD idea. -_-​

Roses are pome
Violets are pome
I wrote a pome
pome pome pome pome

A pirate, history relates
Was scuffling with some of his mates
When he slipped on a cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates

There is a kind dolphin in me
With tight blue skin that you can't see
It moves smoothly like sparkling waves
And sound like a loud horn that can help save

Roses are bad
Violets are bad
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She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes:
Thus mellow'd to that tender light
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.
One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impaired the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress,
Or softly lightens o'er her face;
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
How pure, how dear their dwelling-place.
And on that cheek, and o'er that brow,
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,
But tell of days in goodness spent,
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent!
- Lord Byron (LordManhatten's Grandfather!)

DirkGently said:
She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes:
Thus mellow'd to that tender light
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.
One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impaired the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress,
Or softly lightens o'er her face;
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
How pure, how dear their dwelling-place.
And on that cheek, and o'er that brow,
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,
But tell of days in goodness spent,
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent!
- Lord Byron (LordManhatten's Grandfather!)
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:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:

Danial723 said:
Roses are bad
Violets are bad
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Somuchwin.jpg

Danial723 said:
Roses are bad
Violets are bad
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Your lulz were had,
But that made me sad.
Imma get mad
And beat ya up so bad!!!
Sent from my HTC Sensation on CM10.1

There was an old man from Japan,
Whose poems, just wouldn't scan,
When asked the reason why,
He'd always give the reply,
"I try to fit as many words into the last line as I possibly can."

Awesome idea :thumbup:
The only problem is : I can only write poetry in Arabic
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If you can keep your head when all about youAre losing theirs and blaming it on you;*If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,*But make allowance for their doubting too:*If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,*Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,*Or being hated don't give way to hating,*And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;*If you can dream---and not make dreams your master;*If you can think---and not make thoughts your aim,*If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster*And treat those two impostors just the same:.*If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken*Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,*Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,*And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools;*If you can make one heap of all your winnings*And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,*And lose, and start again at your beginnings,*And never breathe a word about your loss:*If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew*To serve your turn long after they are gone,*And so hold on when there is nothing in you*Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"*If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,*Or walk with Kings---nor lose the common touch,*If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,*If all men count with you, but none too much:If you can fill the unforgiving minute*With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,*Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,*And---which is more---you'll be a Man, my son!
Rudyard Kipling
---------- Post added at 07:12 PM ---------- Previous post was at 06:57 PM ----------
Lazy cut and paste i know, it's a better poem than "Mary had a little bike, she rode it back to front" which was going to be my first choice
“I've had great success being a total idiot. ”*―*Jerry Lewis

jugg1es said:
...Lazy cut and paste i know, it's a better poem than "Mary had a little bike, she rode it back to front" which was going to be my first choice
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I'm no good at making rhymes,
My poems are less than sublime,
Yet still I post in this thread,
And revive it back from the dead.
It's nice to important, but it's more important to be nice.
"When I was a young man, I had liberty, but I did not see it. I had time, but I did not know it. And I had love, but I did not feel it. Many decades would pass before I understood the meaning of all three. And now, in the twilight of my life, this understanding has passed into contentment. Love, liberty, and time: once so disposable, are the fuels that drive me forward"

Twinkle Twinkle little star,
I've just found out what you are.
A lump of rusting rocket case,
A rubbish tip in outer space.
Spike Milligan
"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana." - Groucho Marx

In the words of Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz:
"Oh freddled gruntbuggly thy micturations are to me
As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee.
Groop I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes.
And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles,
Or I will rend thee in the gobberwarts with my blurglecruncheon, see if I don't!"
I could not have done any better myself!

stephj said:
In the words of Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz:
"Oh freddled gruntbuggly thy micturations are to me
As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee.
Groop I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes.
And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles,
Or I will rend thee in the gobberwarts with my blurglecruncheon, see if I don't!"
I could not have done any better myself!
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Click to collapse
Ah... Jeltz... he was a Vogon before his time... *le sigh*

Ode to a Lump of Green Putty I Found in My Arm Pit One Mid-Summer Morning:
The sun creeps over the lands edge
Though the crack in the window it did wedge
Slowly brightening stinging my eye
as sleepily on my bed I lie
August sixth is the new day
Its in the summer half way
Stirring from my slumber I must arise
Must cloth myself and put on my guise
The sound of birds chirping through the air
Roosting and singing without a care
The sound of the lawn mower way far away
As the work men greet the brand new day
The smell of fresh cut grass intrudes
Sending me into wonderful moods
The smell of the fresh breeze moves the curtain
Its going to be a wonderful day , I'm Certain
On my bed i still here lie
I have to get up, yes I must try
Its so comfortable so soft and still
getting up is like climbing an insurmountable hill
I move my foot a little off the bed
Moving my arm slowly to the cots edge
Dropping my foot off and onto the floor
I rest before I do any more
Squiggling my butt to the edge nearer
Seeing my frame across in the mirror
To the floor I drop my other foot
The other hand on the edge I put
Raising my body to be upright
I raise my weight with all my might
in the mirror is my stout frame
Too much good food is the blame
Scraping my foot on the floor boards
Through the sea of cloths it fords
Finding at last one clean sock
My toes around its soft edge lock
Dragging it to me, I reach to the ground
Clasping on to the sock I found
Slipping it on to one of my smooth feet
I slide a little on my seat
I search again for another to put on
I find another that I soon don
Searching I find a pair of pants, mostly clean
With a newly repaired crotch seam
I find my undershirt in the cloths pile
I'm happy find my shirt and smile
Just then in my arm pit I itch
Its making my arm and body twitch
I reach for my arm pit deciding to scratch
When on to something smooth I latch
It felt soft and a little muddy
It turned out to be a green piece of putty
It was soft an somewhat sticky
It felt strange, kind of icky
When pushed on it slowly depressed
When I let go the dent sluggishly regressed
All together it was an unusual texture
I wondered what made up this green mixture
It looked so smooth and kind of glassy
yet in a way it was cloudy and waxy
Aside from the look it had a strange smell
What it smelt like was hard to tell
Kind of like sweat, kind of like perfume
it made an oder that filled the room
When pushed on it made a strange sound
As my finger rolled it around
It sounded kind of squeaky, kind of a smack
and kind of a pop when pulled and snapped back
Where did it come from this green dough
I couldn't imagine, I just didn't know
The waxiness and perfume, deodorant it could be
But that wasn't all , could some of it be me
Deodorant, dead skin, hair and some sweat
It all fused together in my arm pit I bet
Baking all night in the heat of my arm
Keeping it safe for any kind of harm
So in the morning I find the treasure
And how much joy I couldn't measure
I must set this aside and cherish it well
Despite its green color and it's terrible smell
Propping it on to an old golf tee
And into a jar so all could see
I raise it to an exalted place
So it could behold everyones face
Time now to put on my shoes
Where is the left one I always lose
There it is and in go my feet
The soft insole, what a treat
I put on my tee-shirt, then my shirt
It looked mostly clean except for some dirt
It was time for some breakfast, what shall I eat
Maybe eggs, toast, and some fried meat
I made up the bacon and the eggs I fried
Some toast, butter and jelly I tried
Cinnamon rolls I had, then some coffee cake
A whole bagel I toasted and ate
Juice and coffee I drank with pride
Till it made me full and feel good inside
Back to my putty, I liked not its place
I needed to find it a new kind of space
What a beautiful creation my arm pit made
I moved the jar and on to the table it laid
It made my soul leap that this I created
I needed a better display to have it mated
Something elaborate not just a jar
I would have to look for it near and far
Something with silver an a little gold
Something to display it so bold
At the door came a loud knock
Who could it be, I looked at the clock
Time for my maid service to arrive
She comes to clean up my cluttered dive
I shuffle to the door to let her in
I show her my putty and for it affection win
What praise would she have for my creation of green
She will be amazed as soon as its seen
I turn the door knob and open the door
It was her to clean a little bit more
I thought I'd wait till she cleaned up some
If I showed her now, distracted she'd become
She shoveled my cloths into the washer near
and washed all my dishes, she's such a dear
Sweeping and mopping around the whole place
Dusting every nook, cranny and every small space
She was nearly done when I told her the news
Of the thing I created while I did snooze
I could see a skeptical look crawl across her face
I lead her over to the sacred place
There sat my green putty, still amazing to me
On the table where all could see
She looked and squinted at its form
And asked me how it came to be born
I told her clearly how it came about
She promptly told me she'd throw it out
Her attitude gave me quite a shock
I thought about it and then I took stock
Jealous she was that she had not this putty
Jealous she was that she had not this buddy
She shook he head with a curse she left
I went over and slammed the door with all my heft
I stared at it till the middle of the day
As I walked by it I always looked its way
Remembering the joy it's birth did bring
I made me want to dance and sing
It was time for my midday meal
I started with the potatoes that I had to peel
Put them in a pot and bring to a boil
Then mash them and butter them with much toil
I wondered how the green putty tasted
But didn't try it, didn't want it to be wasted
Instead I opened up a tub of sour cream
Put it on the potatoes, what a dream
Deep fried cheese sticks for a side dish
Stuffed mushrooms filled with my wish
A slab of sausage adorned my plate
And my fine meal I sat and ate
For desert there was ice cream and some cake
and a box of brownie mix to stir and bake
While my brownies cooked in my stove
Into a piece of cheese cake my fork dove
Eating the last of the brownie pan
I opened up a cold beer can
Drank it up to my hearts content
I considered my putty with deep intent
I hear the barking of the neighbor's dog
Along comes the man who delivers through rain and fog
It's the Mailman bringing news from afar
In his white and blue car
Yes I'll show him my putty dear
He'll be excited and eager to hear
How my putty came into my arm pit today
And how it grew there while asleep I lay
I hear him approaching the black mail box
I waddled to the door and undid the locks
As he put the mail into its holder
I spoke aloud I tried to be bolder
I said come and see my putty so green
He was a skinny man limber and lean
He poked his head through the jam of the door
I said you'll want to look at this, you won't be sore
I showed him the green putty, I made in the night
I tried to control my pride, with all my might
He looked and said that he really didn't see
Why I should so happy about this putty be
He thought it a nuisance and said “send it away”
But he couldn't bend my resolve, he couldn't it sway
He didn't appreciate the creation of green
He is very shallow, so it would seem
So I sent him away telling him to forget
That on this day the green putty he met
Away from my door he quickly ran
He was a poor excuse for a postman
I must look for people who appreciate the unique
I'll look for intelligent people with which to speak
Not every one can appreciate my putty of green
Most people are prejudice it would clearly seem
Full of food I went out for a walk
meeting people so about my putty I could talk
Down to the shops looking for a display of gold
I found one suitable that the craft store sold
My green putty would look fine in this gold case
It was encircled with a fine looking silver lace
A window of fine glass like fine crystal
and mount it on a sparkling pedestal
I wonder if the world should see my putty dear
Or the tale of its creation should they hear
Would they appreciate putty's story
And hear about it in all its glory
Society is so quick now a days
And people walk around, as in a daze
Long gone is the willingness to hear
About great stories and things so dear
People are skeptical and soon to doubt
And if the story is long the begin to pout
“Hurry up” they say “get to the point”
And if your too long they get out of joint
People lack the patience needed
Unwilling with culture to have their mind seeded
They are unwilling to have goodness grow
Would they respect my miraculous dough?
So far the few I have shown my putty to
And shown my inner feelings true
They have been a jealous and uncultured lot
And haven't appreciated the wonder I have got
Will the rest of the world this way be
Or can they my putty's virtue see
Or will most scoff and mock its wonder
And call it a mistake, a serious blunder
Should the world accept my dough
Would their greed for it be my foe
Would they try to take it far from me
Would I my putty no longer see?
Or would the world reject my putty dear
And think it's creation rather queer
I think they lack the culture they need
And reject my putty and call it demon seed
I'll protect my putty from the world, evil
Protect it from any upheaval
I'll keep my dough to myself
And keep it safe on my shelf
I would like to show putty to my son
I think he would think it rather fun
But his mother, estranged to me
Won't let me my favored son see
He's like me in so many ways
And wishes to be with me, so he says
He would understand my putty dear
And gladly its life story hear
My son could appreciate the unique creation
He would approve toast with a libation
But his mother keeps him from me, unseen
At least until he is seventeen
So I'll be sure to write this story down
And when he's old enough he'll hear the sound,
Of a story about putty so dear
He won't upon hearing frown and jeer
Upon hearing the story he will wish he could
have this happen to him, I know he would.
He's the only one who can appreciate putty
He's the only one who could also be his buddy
My wife, on the other hand
My poetry, she couldn't stand
She lived with me for a few short years
And seemed to have a lot of tears
She said if she had known what our life was to be
She would have never paid the marriage license fee
But would have called off the wedding
And never would have touched my bedding
She never appreciated my poetic rhyme
And said so over and over many a time
She came from a family of and uncultured lot
And for poetry, appreciation they had not
So I'd never show her my putty true
For I know it's story, she would boo
I'll protect my putty from her wrath
Even if she thinks me daft
I began to wonder what our future together would hold
When all was accomplished and finally told
How my putty and I together would be
And our partnership together for all to see
Could we go traveling across the land
And on some high peak together stand
Visit some deep canyon or some black abyss
See the sights that we both wouldn't miss
My putty and I could cross the years
and toast the good life with many beers
We could seek to increase our poetic muse
and argue and debate and see others views
To the pub we could go so all could see
What my putty and I could turn out to be
Friends for life a companion though all
Even though some say its rather small
Small that he is, faithful would he be
I began to wonder if it were a he or a she
I've been calling it “it” for all this time
What gender would it have this, product of grime
At last I decided it was a unique creation
And not to give it a gender was a liberation
So “It” remains the gender I give
And believe to live and let live
Would this putty of green so dear
Live to see my final year
Would it go though all my life together
Or would one of us go first and our relationship sever
I would like this green to be my life long putty
But the future I see looks rather muddy
How long could a piece of putty hope to live
But every chance, every advantage I shall it give
I hurried back to my humble home
Eager to place my putty in the gold dome
My putty sagged on the golf tee stick
I rolled it and shaped it, it still looked sick
I should mount it in the display case
The one surrounded with the silver lace
But once inside it seemed to droop
like it was dissolving and turning to soup
I pressed it together but to no avail
A piece broke loose it looked like a tail
I worried if my putty would be alright
I won't lose it with out a great fight
I cooled it, froze it, but it looked worse for wear
I shaped it and rounded it as much as I dare
My putty was now drying and cracking apart
What to do? I had to be smart
Now the sun was setting, and what to do
I tried to think of ideas but only had two
First was to put it into a glass of water
It would be to much, my ball I'd slaughter
I thought it over while i fixed the evening meal
Saving my putty was to me a big deal
I fried up some chicken wings with Buffalo sauce
And ate the while I tried to prevent my loss
A slice or two of pizza left from another lunch
I sat and thought on it while I did munch
When I was through with the meal of the eve
I feared I'd loose my putty and I would grieve
As twilight came and the sun was set
An idea came and with my mind it met
to take the remains and put it in my other arm pit
and over night just let it simmer and sit
Now in the evening, time for my bath
I like to soak , make gurgling rhymes and laugh
But tonight I think I shall not scrub
For will conditions be right, if I enter the tub
For if I clean under my arm pit
will the putty bake and contently sit
if it be clean will it rejuvenate putty dear
or will it need sweat, dead skin and hair
Then again if I keep my pit out of the wet
Then conditions would be right to dampen with sweat
But what if I slip and accidentally clean
It might make my putty no longer seen
Should I chance to bath tonight again
Or should I put off cleanliness till who knows when
I shall put it off again once more
For I haven't bathed in days, it will be twenty four
So I guess I go to bed real soon
And rest myself in the rising of the moon
And hope my decision not to clean myself
Will not adversely affect my health
Time again for my nightly stop
To the restroom up the stairs, at the top
In the room sits a porcelain seat
I must go up and soon it meet
I'll have to soon take a crap
It takes so long I'll take a nap
Then I'll squeeze with all my soul
Look there, it's a telephone pole
Now off to bed I soon must go
And into my arm pit place the dough
I hope it will be alright in there
With deodorant, sweat, skin and hair
So I scraped the goo from the display
And into my other arm pit I let it lay
Off with my shirt and my tee shirt
Pressing my arm down till it hurt
Off with my socks and my pants taken off
I climbed into my sleeping loft
With the remains of my putty green
I hope it will revive, thats my dream
Off I sleep with a midnight snack
I hope excessive sweat I don't lack
I want my putty to come back again
Its cracks and dryness to heal and mend
I laid my head but had unsettled dreams
I guess it was a nightmare, so it seams
It was about my putty dear
And that I had had it about a year
In its dome it began to reproduce
and soon it got completely loose
It began to multiply very fast
I left my house in terror, at last
Putty was getting to big I fear
It was making growling noises I could hear
I was scared it would feed on me
And that I would no longer be
There was so much all over my house
There was no more room, not even for a mouse
It got into the sewer and down the tile
It plugged every drain all the while
Not a drain worked all over the town
Got into the water pipes all around
All the water stopped , everything went dry
I went about thirsty, heaving a big sigh
The town elders traces this blight back to me
And called a session of court, Me they wanted to see
Blaming me and my putty so dear
For all the confusion, and everyones fear
“lock him away for harboring such a menace”
“Give him some bread, water, and some lettuce”
“Starve him, chain him, let him lose weight”
“Sentence him to a Terrible fate”
They cast me into a dungeon full of goo
I seemed a familiar spirit, but who
It was green and sticky, like my green putty
Yes this was the reproduction of my green buddy
At first I feared it would eat me soon
As a beam of light lit the room
It twitched and wiggled in the cell so deep
It scared me so, I couldn't sleep
Then it covered me drew so near
It embraced me and thought me dear
It may have been a terror to all other
But thought of me as its mother
It slithered into the dungeon's door
Slipped into the keyhole pore
It jiggled and wiggled the door lock
I was worried and watched the clock
Then the door swung open to let me free
It oozed into the hall way as far as I could see
It smothered the guards and it lead me out
It went down their throats to prevent any shout
We fled into the heart of the town
We moved about not making a sound
I found myself something to eat
While every foe my putty was able to defeat
We would have to leave this urban scrawl
And go where we're not known at all
They wouldn't let us leave in peace
They would try to kill us or hurt us at least
They burnt putty out of every drain
And every pipe they did the same
Drying up every piece of goo
They'd keep working till they were through
The last of putty and I held up in a narrow place
His destruction I'd soon have to face
They would come soon with a wall of flame
His fate and mine would be the same
I hear them coming to destroy the rest
of putty's off spring in our secret nest
Out shot a flame of fire so red
putty screamed and I jumped out of bed
It was a nightmare in the heat of the night
And putty is still in my underarm suffering its plight
I drank a glass of water filled to the rim
And back to my bed and let my eyes dim
I tossed and turned the rest of the night
And for some sound sleep, I tried to fight
Was this dream foreboding for putty
Would I loose my green little buddy
In the morning it showed up true
That my putty was no longer new
It had died during the night
But I hadn't given up with out a fight
As you hear the sadness of this poem
and as you travel back to your home
don't gnaw your leg off with emotional pain
for compassion to all is the poets aim

Can we all die now, Grunthos Gently? :/

Sleepy! said:
Can we all die now, Grunthos Gently? :/
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I'm surprised you haven't already! :laugh:

Shower thoughts

Kinda surprised nobody made a thread about this yet.
Remember, these shower thoughts don't have to come while taking a shower! They can come while doing everyday things, like lingering in bed half asleep after you press the snooze button, cleaning the house, or watching paint dry.
I'll update this post later.
My shower thought: The more you lose, the more likely you are to win.

LazyguyMC said:
Kinda surprised nobody made a thread about this yet.
Remember, these shower thoughts don't have to come while taking a shower! They can come while doing everyday things, like lingering in bed half asleep after you press the snooze button, cleaning the house, or watching paint dry.
I'll update this post later.
My shower thought: The more you lose, the more likely you are to win.
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Click to collapse
How come spaceships always seem to land on just the right spot of every alien planet, in every sci-fi movie ever?

Yeah, Its really unexpectable, what thoughts in shower can come to your mind in a moment.)

If humans are mostly water, does that mean that Earth is mostly human?

You know you’re good at a foreign language when people stop telling you you’re good at it.

This can't go anywhere good. Sorry but thread closed