*Warning!* Contains content that you may not agree with!
I was going through my hard drive and found this cached from Gizmodo, about a year ago. Mature responses only, please! And remember, you can talk to people about your worries, you really can.
Bill Zeller * 2011
I have the urge to declare my sanity and justify my actions, but I assume I'll never be able to convince anyone that this was the right decision. Maybe it's true that anyone who does this is insane by definition, but I can at least explain my reasoning. I considered not writing any of this because of how personal it is, but I like tying up loose ends and don't want people to wonder why I did this. Since I've never spoken to anyone about what happened to me, people would likely draw the wrong conclusions.
My first memories as a child are of being raped, repeatedly. This has affected every aspect of my life. This darkness, which is the only way I can describe it, has followed me like a fog, but at times intensified and overwhelmed me, usually triggered by a distinct situation. In kindergarten I couldn't use the bathroom and would stand petrified whenever I needed to, which started a trend of awkward and unexplained social behavior. The damage that was done to my body still prevents me from using the bathroom normally, but now it's less of a physical impediment than a daily reminder of what was done to me.
This darkness followed me as I grew up. I remember spending hours playing with legos, having my world consist of me and a box of cold, plastic blocks. Just waiting for everything to end. It's the same thing I do now, but instead of legos it's surfing the web or reading or listening to a baseball game. Most of my life has been spent feeling dead inside, waiting for my body to catch up.
At times growing up I would feel inconsolable rage, but I never connected this to what happened until puberty. I was able to keep the darkness at bay for a few hours at a time by doing things that required intense concentration, but it would always come back. Programming appealed to me for this reason. I was never particularly fond of computers or mathematically inclined, but the temporary peace it would provide was like a drug. But the darkness always returned and built up something like a tolerance, because programming has become less and less of a refuge.
The darkness is with me nearly every time I wake up. I feel like a grime is covering me. I feel like I'm trapped in a contimated body that no amount of washing will clean. Whenever I think about what happened I feel manic and itchy and can't concentrate on anything else. It manifests itself in hours of eating or staying up for days at a time or sleeping for sixteen hours straight or week long programming binges or constantly going to the gym. I'm exhausted from feeling like this every hour of every day.
Three to four nights a week I have nightmares about what happened. It makes me avoid sleep and constantly tired, because sleeping with what feels like hours of nightmares is not restful. I wake up sweaty and furious. I'm reminded every morning of what was done to me and the control it has over my life.
I've never been able to stop thinking about what happened to me and this hampered my social interactions. I would be angry and lost in thought and then be interrupted by someone saying "Hi" or making small talk, unable to understand why I seemed cold and distant. I walked around, viewing the outside world from a distant portal behind my eyes, unable to perform normal human niceties. I wondered what it would be like to take to other people without what happened constantly on my mind, and I wondered if other people had similar experiences that they were better able to mask.
Alcohol was also something that let me escape the darkness. It would always find me later, though, and it was always angry that I managed to escape and it made me pay. Many of the irresponsible things I did were the result of the darkness. Obviously I'm responsible for every decision and action, including this one, but there are reasons why things happen the way they do.
Alcohol and other drugs provided a way to ignore the realities of my situation. It was easy to spend the night drinking and forget that I had no future to look forward to. I never liked what alcohol did to me, but it was better than facing my existence honestly. I haven't touched alcohol or any other drug in over seven months (and no drugs or alcohol will be involved when I do this) and this has forced me to evaluate my life in an honest and clear way. There's no future here. The darkness will always be with me.
I used to think if I solved some problem or achieved some goal, maybe he would leave. It was comforting to identify tangible issues as the source of my problems instead of something that I'll never be able to change. I thought that if I got into to a good college, or a good grad school, or lost weight, or went to the gym nearly every day for a year, or created programs that millions of people used, or spent a summer or California or New York or published papers that I was proud of, then maybe I would feel some peace and not be constantly haunted and unhappy. But nothing I did made a dent in how depressed I was on a daily basis and nothing was in any way fulfilling. I'm not sure why I ever thought that would change anything.
I didn't realize how deep a hold he had on me and my life until my first relationship. I stupidly assumed that no matter how the darkness affected me personally, my romantic relationships would somehow be separated and protected. Growing up I viewed my future relationships as a possible escape from this thing that haunts me every day, but I began to realize how entangled it was with every aspect of my life and how it is never going to release me. Instead of being an escape, relationships and romantic contact with other people only intensified everything about him that I couldn't stand. I will never be able to have a relationship in which he is not the focus, affecting every aspect of my romantic interactions.
Relationships always started out fine and I'd be able to ignore him for a few weeks. But as we got closer emotionally the darkness would return and every night it'd be me, her and the darkness in a black and gruesome threesome. He would surround me and penetrate me and the more we did the more intense it became. It made me hate being touched, because as long as we were separated I could view her like an outsider viewing something good and kind and untainted. Once we touched, the darkness would envelope her too and take her over and the evil inside me would surround her. I always felt like I was infecting anyone I was with.
Relationships didn't work. No one I dated was the right match, and I thought that maybe if I found the right person it would overwhelm him. Part of me knew that finding the right person wouldn't help, so I became interested in girls who obviously had no interest in me. For a while I thought I was gay. I convinced myself that it wasn't the darkness at all, but rather my orientation, because this would give me control over why things didn't feel "right". The fact that the darkness affected sexual matters most intensely made this idea make some sense and I convinced myself of this for a number of years, starting in college after my first relationship ended. I told people I was gay (at Trinity, not at Princeton), even though I wasn't attracted to men and kept finding myself interested in girls. Because if being gay wasn't the answer, then what was? People thought I was avoiding my orientation, but I was actually avoiding the truth, which is that while I'm straight, I will never be content with anyone. I know now that the darkness will never leave.
Last spring I met someone who was unlike anyone else I'd ever met. Someone who showed me just how well two people could get along and how much I could care about another human being. Someone I know I could be with and love for the rest of my life, if I weren't so ****ed up. Amazingly, she liked me. She liked the shell of the man the darkness had left behind. But it didn't matter because I couldn't be alone with her. It was never just the two of us, it was always the three of us: her, me and the darkness. The closer we got, the more intensely I'd feel the darkness, like some evil mirror of my emotions. All the closeness we had and I loved was complemented by agony that I couldn't stand, from him. I realized that I would never be able to give her, or anyone, all of me or only me. She could never have me without the darkness and evil inside me. I could never have just her, without the darkness being a part of all of our interactions. I will never be able to be at peace or content or in a healthy relationship. I realized the futility of the romantic part of my life. If I had never met her, I would have realized this as soon as I met someone else who I meshed similarly well with. It's likely that things wouldn't have worked out with her and we would have broken up (with our relationship ending, like the majority of relationships do) even if I didn't have this problem, since we only dated for a short time. But I will face exactly the same problems with the darkness with anyone else. Despite my hopes, love and compatability is not enough. Nothing is enough. There's no way I can fix this or even push the darkness down far enough to make a relationship or any type of intimacy feasible.
So I watched as things fell apart between us. I had put an explicit time limit on our relationship, since I knew it couldn't last because of the darkness and didn't want to hold her back, and this caused a variety of problems. She was put in an unnatural situation that she never should have been a part of. It must have been very hard for her, not knowing what was actually going on with me, but this is not something I've ever been able to talk about with anyone. Losing her was very hard for me as well. Not because of her (I got over our relationship relatively quickly), but because of the realization that I would never have another relationship and because it signified the last true, exclusive personal connection I could ever have. This wasn't apparent to other people, because I could never talk about the real reasons for my sadness. I was very sad in the summer and fall, but it was not because of her, it was because I will never escape the darkness with anyone. She was so loving and kind to me and gave me everything I could have asked for under the circumstances. I'll never forget how much happiness she brought me in those briefs moments when I could ignore the darkness. I had originally planned to kill myself last winter but never got around to it. (Parts of this letter were written over a year ago, other parts days before doing this.) It was wrong of me to involve myself in her life if this were a possibility and I should have just left her alone, even though we only dated for a few months and things ended a long time ago. She's just one more person in a long list of people I've hurt.
I could spend pages talking about the other relationships I've had that were ruined because of my problems and my confusion related to the darkness. I've hurt so many great people because of who I am and my inability to experience what needs to be experienced. All I can say is that I tried to be honest with people about what I thought was true.
I've spent my life hurting people. Today will be the last time.
I've told different people a lot of things, but I've never told anyone about what happened to me, ever, for obvious reasons. It took me a while to realize that no matter how close you are to someone or how much they claim to love you, people simply cannot keep secrets. I learned this a few years ago when I thought I was gay and told people. The more harmful the secret, the juicier the gossip and the more likely you are to be betrayed. People don't care about their word or what they've promised, they just do whatever the **** they want and justify it later. It feels incredibly lonely to realize you can never share something with someone and have it be between just the two of you. I don't blame anyone in particular, I guess it's just how people are. Even if I felt like this is something I could have shared, I have no interest in being part of a friendship or relationship where the other person views me as the damaged and contaminated person that I am. So even if I were able to trust someone, I probably would not have told them about what happened to me. At this point I simply don't care who knows.
I feel an evil inside me. An evil that makes me want to end life. I need to stop this. I need to make sure I don't kill someone, which is not something that can be easily undone. I don't know if this is related to what happened to me or something different. I recognize the irony of killing myself to prevent myself from killing someone else, but this decision should indicate what I'm capable of.
So I've realized I will never escape the darkness or misery associated with it and I have a responsibility to stop myself from physically harming others.
I'm just a broken, miserable shell of a human being. Being molested has defined me as a person and shaped me as a human being and it has made me the monster I am and there's nothing I can do to escape it. I don't know any other existence. I don't know what life feels like where I'm apart from any of this. I actively despise the person I am. I just feel fundamentally broken, almost non-human. I feel like an animal that woke up one day in a human body, trying to make sense of a foreign world, living among creatures it doesn't understand and can't connect with.
I have accepted that the darkness will never allow me to be in a relationship. I will never go to sleep with someone in my arms, feeling the comfort of their hands around me. I will never know what uncontimated intimacy is like. I will never have an exclusive bond with someone, someone who can be the recipient of all the love I have to give. I will never have children, and I wanted to be a father so badly. I think I would have made a good dad. And even if I had fought through the darkness and married and had children all while being unable to feel intimacy, I could have never done that if suicide were a possibility. I did try to minimize pain, although I know that this decision will hurt many of you. If this hurts you, I hope that you can at least forget about me quickly.
There's no point in identifying who molested me, so I'm just going to leave it at that. I doubt the word of a dead guy with no evidence about something that happened over twenty years ago would have much sway.
You may wonder why I didn't just talk to a professional about this. I've seen a number of doctors since I was a teenager to talk about other issues and I'm positive that another doctor would not have helped. I was never given one piece of actionable advice, ever. More than a few spent a large part of the session reading their notes to remember who I was. And I have no interest in talking about being raped as a child, both because I know it wouldn't help and because I have no confidence it would remain secret. I know the legal and practical limits of doctor/patient confidentiality, growing up in a house where we'd hear stories about the various mental illnesses of famous people, stories that were passed down through generations. All it takes is one doctor who thinks my story is interesting enough to share or a doctor who thinks it's her right or responsibility to contact the authorities and have me identify the molestor (justifying her decision by telling herself that someone else might be in danger). All it takes is a single doctor who violates my trust, just like the "friends" who I told I was gay did, and everything would be made public and I'd be forced to live in a world where people would know how ****ed up I am. And yes, I realize this indicates that I have severe trust issues, but they're based on a large number of experiences with people who have shown a profound disrepect for their word and the privacy of others.
People say suicide is selfish. I think it's selfish to ask people to continue living painful and miserable lives, just so you possibly won't feel sad for a week or two. Suicide may be a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but it's also a permanent solution to a ~23 year-old problem that grows more intense and overwhelming every day.
Some people are just dealt bad hands in this life. I know many people have it worse than I do, and maybe I'm just not a strong person, but I really did try to deal with this. I've tried to deal with this every day for the last 23 years and I just can't ****ing take it anymore.
I often wonder what life must be like for other people. People who can feel the love from others and give it back unadulterated, people who can experience sex as an intimate and joyous experience, people who can experience the colors and happenings of this world without constant misery. I wonder who I'd be if things had been different or if I were a stronger person. It sounds pretty great.
I'm prepared for death. I'm prepared for the pain and I am ready to no longer exist. Thanks to the strictness of New Jersey gun laws this will probably be much more painful than it needs to be, but what can you do. My only fear at this point is messing something up and surviving.
—-
I'd also like to address my family, if you can call them that. I despise everything they stand for and I truly hate them, in a non-emotional, dispassionate and what I believe is a healthy way. The world will be a better place when they're dead—one with less hatred and intolerance.
If you're unfamiliar with the situation, my parents are fundamentalist Christians who kicked me out of their house and cut me off financially when I was 19 because I refused to attend seven hours of church a week.
They live in a black and white reality they've constructed for themselves. They partition the world into good and evil and survive by hating everything they fear or misunderstand and calling it love. They don't understand that good and decent people exist all around us, "saved" or not, and that evil and cruel people occupy a large percentage of their church. They take advantage of people looking for hope by teaching them to practice the same hatred they practice.
A random example:
"I am personally convinced that if a Muslim truly believes and obeys the Koran, he will be a terrorist." - George Zeller, August 24, 2010.
If you choose to follow a religion where, for example, devout Catholics who are trying to be good people are all going to Hell but child molestors go to Heaven (as long as they were "saved" at some point), that's your choice, but it's ****ed up. Maybe a God who operates by those rules does exist. If so, **** Him.
Their church was always more important than the members of their family and they happily sacrificed whatever necessary in order to satisfy their contrived beliefs about who they should be.
I grew up in a house where love was proxied through a God I could never believe in. A house where the love of music with any sort of a beat was literally beaten out of me. A house full of hatred and intolerance, run by two people who were experts at appearing kind and warm when others were around. Parents who tell an eight year old that his grandmother is going to Hell because she's Catholic. Parents who claim not to be racist but then talk about the horrors of miscegenation. I could list hundreds of other examples, but it's tiring.
Since being kicked out, I've interacted with them in relatively normal ways. I talk to them on the phone like nothing happened. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I like pretending I have a family. Maybe I like having people I can talk to about what's been going on in my life. Whatever the reason, it's not real and it feels like a sham. I should have never allowed this reconnection to happen.
I wrote the above a while ago, and I do feel like that much of the time. At other times, though, I feel less hateful. I know my parents honestly believe the crap they believe in. I know that my mom, at least, loved me very much and tried her best. One reason I put this off for so long is because I know how much pain it will cause her. She has been sad since she found out I wasn't "saved", since she believes I'm going to Hell, which is not a sadness for which I am responsible. That was never going to change, and presumably she believes the state of my physical body is much less important than the state of my soul. Still, I cannot intellectually justify this decision, knowing how much it will hurt her. Maybe my ability to take my own life, knowing how much pain it will cause, shows that I am a monster who doesn't deserve to live. All I know is that I can't deal with this pain any longer and I'm am truly sorry I couldn't wait until my family and everyone I knew died so this could be done without hurting anyone. For years I've wished that I'd be hit by a bus or die while saving a baby from drowning so my death might be more acceptable, but I was never so lucky.
—-
To those of you who have shown me love, thank you for putting up with all my ****tiness and moodiness and arbitrariness. I was never the person I wanted to be. Maybe without the darkness I would have been a better person, maybe not. I did try to be a good person, but I realize I never got very far.
I'm sorry for the pain this causes. I really do wish I had another option. I hope this letter explains why I needed to do this. If you can't understand this decision, I hope you can at least forgive me.
Bill Zeller
—-
Please save this letter and repost it if gets deleted. I don't want people to wonder why I did this. I disseminated it more widely than I might have otherwise because I'm worried that my family might try to restrict access to it. I don't mind if this letter is made public. In fact, I'd prefer it be made public to people being unable to read it and drawing their own conclusions.
Feel free to republish this letter, but only if it is reproduced in its entirety.
that's depressing, but it puts things in perspective. I read it all.
thanks.
--sent from my glacier.
Horrible that he got so constantly downed by his family and those around him that he never felt he could trust anyone enough to open up and tell what happened to him. I don 't know that he could have been helped because what he went through had to have been scarring beyond belief, but at least he may have had a chance.
At least the work he did left a positive impact on the world for a lot of people.
Is there a TL;DR version?
jaszek said:
Is there a TL;DR version?
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
Skim it. Only version available, sorry.
Sent from my HTC Intruder
Bump. Definitely something worth reading.
This man needed Jesus so badly. It's heartbreaking to hear of things like this.
Related
Sorry to post bad news but it's my daughter and I want to get as many prayers as possible.
She's not even two and is undergoing her second surgery in an attempt to fight off Melanoma.
I typically don't bother people with things like this but it's for my daughter. If it was for me, I wouldn't even bother.
As you can guess, I'm a mess. She's Stage IIIc currently and it could go either way.
Thanks in advance for your prayers.
Please spread the word.
EDIT: If you could reply here so I know how many people are pulling for her....even if you don't pray...that will help.
How this started: She was born with a type of birth mark on her back called a nevus. At her age the doctors told us it's more of a cosmetic decision to have it removed. I listened. They said that in older kids there is a potential for cancer but not in her age group....very rare. They advised that we wait until she was 2 years old to remove it if we decided to go that route, so we waited. Little did I know that it would turn into this. My advice is to remove any threat to your child even if there is a .000000000000000000000000000000000000001% risk...it's never worth it. Lesson #1, I wish I would have been more vain and said that "thing" has to go immediately. Well, all was going fine then one day we noticed that an area of the nevus started to change. We made an appointment at the specialists and it took a while to get her in. No one thought it was a threat but they wanted to do tests. We took her in and they took a piece and sent it to the lab. MISTAKE/LESSON #2...if there is any threat to your child...tell the doctors NOT to take a little piece and examine it...tell them to TAKE THE ENTIRE THING then do what they need to do, not leave pieces behind that could yield further issues. If they would have taken the entire thing out, the risk would have been greatly reduced. The longer you leave cancer cells in your body the worse it can become. After the tests came back as positive for cancer they immediately scheduled the operation to have it and a significant area around it removed for further testing. That happened, the rest of it went off to a lab and the perimeter came back with no cancerous cells. They also took out a few lymph nodes but those came back positive for cancer cells. As soon as those results came back she went back in for her second surgery.
Update: 09/14/2008. People have been asking me so I'm posting an update. She's undergone two surgeries. The second was to remove additional areas of potential threat and also all the lymph nodes under each arm. The cancer could have spread to these lymph nodes and they had to remove them in case it was contained there. I'm praying it was. As for how she's doing now, she has 4 drain tubes to drain fluids from her body while she recovers. One under each arm and two on her back. As the doctors explained, after surgery there are voids where the body tries to fill with fluid and they need to keep that fluid from settling. She had a couple of bad days with pain from these tubes that are going into her body but the past couple of days she's been doing wonderful. We have to stay on top of her to ensure she doesn't hurt herself. Right now the lymph nodes that were removed have been sent off for further testing and we should have results back sometime next week. She also starts cancer treatments next week in an attempt to cut off or delay any further manifestations in her little body.
Update: 09/17/08. We just got back from the doctor. Got the 4 drain tubes and "bulbs" removed so now she can move more freely and with less supervision. I can also go back to a normal sleep routine since I had to sleep with one eye open to ensure she didn't tangle herself with the plastic tubes when she turned in bed during the night. Big relief here. She also had her CT scan of the brain. We had the surgeon pull the file up as a favor and he said it looked okay BUT that he was not a neurologist nor was the scan officially reviewed yet so we continue to pray and soon we start the aggressive therapy...Interferon Alpha2b. Many side effects but nothing worse than cancer spreading so it's worth the ride for all involved. We now wait for the official results to get back to us and the results of all the lymph nodes that were removed in the second operation. Thank you all and keep praying for her no matter the faith you believe in and if you don't believe in any God please think positive thoughts for my little girl. I'm not too proud to beg when it comes to my child.
Update: 09/17/08 #2. Just got an e-mail from a doctor at the hospital. The results from the lymph node tests came back all negative and the nodes removed during the second operation had no cancer. This is great news for me and my family because statistically it puts the odds back in her favor. We're still moving forward with periodic scans of all her major organs and the cancer treatment, which we're starting next week. Keep praying for her people and thank you....thank you.....thank you!!!
Update: 09/23/08. All is positive but will be getting a little bad for her for the next year. She starts Interferon therapy on Monday. It's going to be an interesting year. Again, thank you all for your continued support. You have no idea how much it helps.
Update: 10/11/08. Thank you all for your continued support. She's not finished her first 2 of 52 week treatment. The first 4 weeks are the worst but she's actually doing extremely well. The only side effects she's demonstrated were high fever the first two days of treatment which we quickly got under control with a Motrin and Tylenol routine and her being more tired because we have to wake up extra early to be at the hospital every single day for her treatment. The first 4 weeks we have to be at the hospital anywhere from 3-7 hours for her treatments. She's doing extremely well and i'm still praying that this treatment is not necessary and that the cancer never made it past her lymph nodes into her body. This treatment doesn't really cure anything...it just prolonges the time before relapse. If the lymph nodes contained it then we're good. After the initial 4 weeks, we start giving her injections three times weekly at the house. This is going to be easier on her as she'll be able to start sleeping in again and taking her naps on time. Her eating habits are a little off as well because the treatments give you a bad taste in your mouth. Luckily for us, we're fortunate enough to be able to cook up a choice of dishes for her keeping her eating. She's gotten picky about what she eats but we're giving her enough choices to keep her eating. We're trying to avoid avoid weight loss which is one side effect but it's typically a result of patience not wanting to eat because food just doesn't taste as good. Kids at this age don't know to eat because they have to until they are starving when stuff like this happens...unless daddy feeds them some of the best Fajita's in town or a savory steak. We have two more weeks of the "hard" treatment and then it eases up on her body a bit because the dosage is reduced for the remaining 11 months.
Update: 10/25/08. Thank you all yet again for your continued support. We've finished the month long daily treatments of heavy interferon dosage. She actually had two small side effects out of all the scary stuff and although we still have 11 more months of treatments that could yield some nasty side effects, she pulled through the heavy part like a champ. Of the 30 days she had 2 with fever which we brought under immediate control using Tylenol and Motrin and then she would get a little flush in the face a few other days but a hydration solution through the portacath in her chest fixed that right away. We had some long days at the hospital and i'm thankful that my customers are understanding. It's been tough but worth the fight and the entire family remains strong. Little Alessandra seems to be the strongest of the bunch, LOL. The grandmothers missed a lot of work because we didn't want to take Alessandra's little brother to the hospital for the long days so they stayed at the house until we returned from her treatments then they shot off to work. Friday was the last day of heavy treatments and now we start treating her at home by giving her three shots a week. We still have to monitor her for side effects, continue to take her in for regular scans of her organs to see if cancer pops up anywhere, and watch her skin to see if there are ANY changes. All in all a small price to pay if the cancer never manifests itself again. I think we've made a decision to remove every mole on her body once she goes back in for the, I hope to God, final surgery. The melanoma can manifest itself in moles much easier than in other areas of the skin and considering what she's already been through, I'm not leaving ANYTHING to chance. Some may think I'm crazy and this may be going too far but you wouldn't understand until you went through this. The odds of her having to go through this were astronomical but it happened. I'm not leaving it to chance and as another member in the forum reminded me, drastic times call for drastic measures. Again, thank you all and I will continue to keep the thread updated for those interested in our fight.
Thank you all for your continued support. She's tough and fighting it with a strength that is incredible for someone her age. BTW, she's now officially 2 years old.
Update: 11/25/08. Yesterday/Monday we took her to the hospital for a check up. Had ultra sounds done on the areas where they removed the lymph nodes and a chest x-ray. Thank God nothing was present. All tests came out clean and we're moving forward to enjoy our Thanksgiving Holidays. One thing we've taught Alessandra to do was pray. She enjoys it and now is old enough to join in and even ask us to pray with her. She looks like a little angel when praying, putting her hands together and bowing her little head while we all pray together. Thank you all for your continued prayers. Keep my little daughter in your prayers, positive thoughts, etc. it's working. She's a very strong little girl and is making it through all the shots and scans and pokes of her little body. No child should ever have to go through this but if they do they should with a loving family and as many prayers as possible. Thank you all for doing your part in helping us with this fight. Again, no matter your religion thank you in advance for your prayers. I have word that people all over the planet are praying for my little girl. Hundreds of churches of all religions and literally thousands (maybe tens of thousands) of people in many different countries are praying. Thanks again!
Update: 12/17/08. Last Saturday we had to take the little one into the emergency room. She had something swelling bad where the scar is from her last surgery. They did an ultra sound and found fluid and also some mass. Thursday/tomorrow we're schedule for her third operation. They want to go in and remove this immediately. They will run tests and determine if it's a reoccurance of her cancer or just the way that area healed. I'm praying that it's not cancer and that it just healed weird and caused the swelling. Thanks again everyone for your continued support.
Update: 12/28/08. The operation was good and she was out the same day. The results came back and it was more cancer. Not good. Over the holiday weekend we noticed another lump swelling on her back. It's most likely more cancer. On Monday we go in for entire body scans CT and PET. I'm praying and hoping to God that this is only isolated in those areas and once removed it's over with and that it's not in a major organ. Just thinking about it is the most painful thing I've ever experienced. Thank you all for your continued support and prayers. She needs that more than anything right now. We'll most likely be scheduling another operation to go in and remove the new lump from her back this week. Will make it her 5th operation within a 12 month period. All I can say is I wish it was me.
Update: 01/02/09. The CT came back clean but the PET found another tumor in addition to the one we visually detected. Doctors ordered an Ultrasound which initially confused me. I figured why an Ultrasound when we already did a CT and PET? Well, i'm glad we did. We noticed that the lump that was visually detected was actually two very close together. The Ultrasound gave everyone a more clear picture. I'm learning a lot more about this disease and will one day try to setup a website to help others. There is a lot of knowledge that i've gained that I haven't read about on any other website and all the sites basically tell you the same stuff over and over. It's good info but it's not good for when you're already in the fight. You need a new set of rules and data when battling this monster and maybe one day i can put it up to help others...one day after my daughter is done fighting and maybe she can even help me. Meanwhile, I sit at the hospital for the operation. They were initially going to go in to do "clean up" from the previous operation and remove the three additional tumors found. I spoke to the surgeon and told him I wanted to do more. I wanted to remove more of the "left over" lymph "channels" to avoid a reoccurance. I let him know that the disease is betting more aggressive and I wanted to do the same. He immediately called in the plastic surgeon that he had on standby and jumped right on the idea after consulting with another oncologist. She's now in there and it might be another 4-5 hours before she's done. No matter how many times I've been through this with her, I can never avoid crying when they take her from my arms and into the operating room. I just sit and wait now and pray all is going well and that this might be the last operation she'll ever have to endure. One thing I know for sure, this family will be unstoppable when we win this fight because the strength gained from this battle is not going to be taken for granted.
Now...i've gotten a lot of PM's offering help from users that have gone through cancer, from doctors that use the forum, from users who knew someone with cancer and even those just extending their best wishes but i was never really too sure what kind of help I could get for my daughter but now I know one thing that can help us greatly. Please continue your prayers...Muslim, Christian, Islam, whatever....please pray for Alessandra. Second, I know that best way to fight this is early detection so I ask the doctors and people that have been through this and those that know anything....help me by letting me know of any cutting edge medical scanning technology, etc. The CT and PET and Ultrasound are all great tools. There are also the 3D and even 4D Ultrasounds. I want to hear from you guys because I'm about to set appointments to get her entire body scanned with an Ultrasound. I know this will only catch stuff close to the surface and doesn't work well detecting tumors deep in her body, if i am understanding all of this correctly and please note that I haven't had much time to research it fully yet. For anyone out there that knows anything about this stuff, I have the following questions:
- Is there anything more advanced and higher resolution than an Ultrasound? From talking to the doctors it seems the Ultrasound can detect smaller "objects" than a CT or PET would be able to and it seems like the Ultrasound had a more "clear" view of the items. Please correct me if I'm wrong.
- Are there any other technologies that can be used to scan for cancer instances that a PET/CT/Ultrasound might miss?
- Has anyone heard of any other ways of detecting melanoma cancer once it's in the lymph nodes and even in the body once it gets past the lymph nodes? Other than scanning with the PET/CT/Ultrasound and waiting for a tumor to be large enough to show up?
- Any chemical detection methods available? I read that some cancer produces certain protein markers that can be detected very early via blood tests. Does anyone know of something similar for melanoma?
- The Interferon treatments she's undergoing might or might not be working. Has anyone heard of any available treatment for someone her age when Interferon doesn't work for melanoma cancer? I heard the Mayo clinic has alternate treatments but when I called the doctor wouldn't talk to me and insisted I go see them. All I wanted to know were questions to plan my trip accordingly like: Can it be administered with Interferon? If not, how long after the Interferon treatment finishes can the alternate treatment begin? What are some side effects, if any, of the alternate treatment? How long would the alternate treatment last for? All of these questions were so I knew what to expect, how to plan for it and how long we would be undergoing treatment. What really pissed me off is that the doctor wouldn't even answer questions through her assistant. Pretty damn petty and business like when a little girl's life might be at risk here. I know there might be protocol but hell, sometimes protocol needs to be circumvented when it's petty and someone's life is at risk...give me a ****ing break.
So if anyone has any knowledge they would like to share please do so in reply within the thread. Your response might help someone else that hasn't had time to post something like this or prefers to be more private than I'm being.
Thank you all again for your support and for any help you may give here for my daughter and for anyone else going through this.
Update: 04.20.09. The fight against the cancer continues. My daughter is hanging in there. She currently has three-four tumors. One was removed this week for a special trial that we've enrolled her in. She's undergone Interferon and Interlukin-2 treatments. I feel that the Interlukin-2 had an effect on the cancer and we're going to revisit it but right now it's time for more aggressive treatments. A friend of the family has put up a website that's not 100% done. I see AstainHellBring posted it and I thank him for that. I'm going to post more details there and what we've gone through. I hope this new site not only helps my family but also other families going through the same thing. There is so much miscommunication and things they dont' tell you that I want to communicate, it's crazy. Things that you need to prepare for but either they are affraid to tell you or they just don't know. Thank you all for your continued support for my daughter. I'll post more info later.
Can't post updates here...message too long so posting to the end of the thread again.
sorry to hear that
u have her in our prayers!
GOD BLESS!
You have my prayers and sympathies. Wishing your family nothing but absolutely the best and success.
good luck man i hope for the best
Oh man, that's terrible to have your child sick like that. We are praying for her and your family.
Best of luck that they are able to take care of this problem
Do not worry, we are with you and your daughter in our prayers.
I wish you much good luck
God Bless and our prayers go to her ..
horrible thing to have to go through, my best wishes to you and yours.
G,
Your request is circulating now throughout Ohio. Our prayers and support are with you and your family. Keep us posted.
Raskell
i got a 3 year old daughter myself i can imagine what your going thru, i'm not a religious guy but i'll do whatever i can to support her and your family, we're all thinking about her, i hope she get's well soon !
my best wishes and prayers for her speedy recovery!
May God bless her!!
Let us hope & pray for the best for your daughter, and may God bless her with the strength to overcome this.
my best wishes for your duaghter... i wil pray... GOD bless...
I don't have words to express myself, prayers of me and my complete family are with your daughter.
My best wishes for your daughter and your family. I really hope she will recover quickly
You have my prayers for her. Have faith.
Adil
I wish you and your family all the best and will pray for your little girl to have a full recovery.
I am not a religious person, but as a recent father I am thinking of you and your daughter.
I wish her and all your family all the best.
@MikeChannon, very nice words.
Dave
I'm going to add this thread to my sig to help get the word out and to get the max amount of thoughts and prayers possible.
True story : I picked up a load of colored painted lumber in Atlanta and dropped it off in Lancaster, pa. An Amish family that made high end custom play sets for rich folks and wow the stuff the could build seemed like some from a Harry Potter movie. We started talking about technology and they didn't desire to have a cellphone or any phone for that matter. They seemed so much at peace with just the basics in life. Clearly they live in a area with malls but still appreciated life in a simple form. Now its 2011 and most folks can't go a day without cellphone use, and have a piss fit if they cell is about to die while at the mall. We stand in long lines waiting for the new it phone then rush home to make an unboxing video as others tune to watch us in awe to remove the plastic off a device. We call up the carriers begging for an update to get a new device.. log in to sites like this and complain about the device and while asking developers to stop spending time with your family and hurry up on that root so i can do a whole bunch of nothing with my phone. I'm not saying cellphones are bad, if your wife ran out to pick up pizza and got a flat you definitely want her to have one in that situation. I'm talking bout being apart of the gimmick crowd...
Sent from my PC36100 using XDA App
geeksquadryder said:
True story : I picked up a load of colored painted lumber in Atlanta and dropped it off in Lancaster, pa. An Amish family that made high end custom play sets for rich folks and wow the stuff the could build seemed like some from a Harry Potter movie. We started talking about technology and they didn't desire to have a cellphone or any phone for that matter. They seemed so much at peace with just the basics in life. Clearly they live in a area with malls but still appreciated life in a simple form. Now its 2011 and most folks can't go a day without cellphone use, and have a piss fit if they cell is about to die while at the mall. We stand in long lines waiting for the new it phone then rush home to make an unboxing video as others tune to watch us in awe to remove the plastic off a device. We call up the carriers begging for an update to get a new device.. log in to sites like this and complain about the device and while asking developers to stop spending time with your family and hurry up on that root so i can do a whole bunch of nothing with my phone. I'm not saying cellphones are bad, if your wife ran out to pick up pizza and got a flat you definitely want her to have one in that situation. I'm talking bout being apart of the gimmick crowd...
Sent from my PC36100 using XDA App
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
I'm happy to be there. My firm belief is that technology will produce the paradise we all want. Unlike some conservative types, I don't adhere to the rule of suffering in life all the time. They think the only good person is one who is 24/7/365 suffering and doing without. We make technology to overcome the environment, not to continue to suffer in it. The only reason there is any form of suffering in the world is because technology hasn't developed to the point of addressing all of the needs. As long as a person holds onto their ethical and moral integrity, suffering is needless.
Don't like this idea. Some people always say that these are just devices that call and text, everything else is excess and we don't need it in our daily lives. Like we should be grateful we have them. But this is called progress. At one time, we didn't have cars or color tv or this latest gadget. And we have adjusted our lives accordingly so that they are essentials in day to day living. It's foolish to just live in the past or sit still, the world moves at a fast pace. If we didn't feel a need for more, innovation would just stop. They don't even call cell phones "cell phones" anymore, they call them mobiles because that's what they are. Mobile devices
Yes, I agree with you geeksquadryder. As we are forgetting what a real life is? We need mobiles for doing our daily work but some people getting mobiles for not satisfying must needs but for fun. We know how much impact these mobiles can have in our life in helping and ruining. So, its upto the head of the home to teach or drive his/her home to be happy with/without things of needed.
Our biggest mistake was coming down from the trees in the first place. Everything since then is just compounded error. Too late to go back now!
aFo3262 said:
Don't like this idea. Some people always say that these are just devices that call and text, everything else is excess and we don't need it in our daily lives. Like we should be grateful we have them. But this is called progress. At one time, we didn't have cars or color tv or this latest gadget. And we have adjusted our lives accordingly so that they are essentials in day to day living. It's foolish to just live in the past or sit still, the world moves at a fast pace. If we didn't feel a need for more, innovation would just stop. They don't even call cell phones "cell phones" anymore, they call them mobiles because that's what they are. Mobile devices
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
+1
people are constantly saying how technology has made ungrateful and ruined lives. I don't see how wanting the most out of your phone can ruin your life. This is called evolution/progress. I'm glad we have cell phones and I'm glad technology is getting better and I hope one day I won't have to lift a finger to do many of the tedious tasks I do on a day to day basis.
Sent from my HTC Glacier using XDA App
If we just stick to "need" when we live life, we'd be a very poor society. Much of the art and technology we have today have made it so far for want of innovation and pleasure. And yes, also for pure fun.
It's not excessive, it's creative, new, interesting and in this way, important. Especially since we came down from the trees...
DirkGently1 said:
Our biggest mistake was coming down from the trees in the first place. Everything since then is just compounded error. Too late to go back now!
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
Yup. Now we are describing quantum physics with languages initially designed to tell the other monkey where the fruit was.
yeah, and let's just revert back to farming for every one right...
i'll use whatever tech i want, you can go be a luddite.
ballasdontcry said:
yeah, and let's just revert back to farming for every one right...
i'll use whatever tech i want, you can go be a luddite.
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
Or use two tin cans and a string...
(somebody's sig, that is)
sakai4eva said:
Or use two tin cans and a string...
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
That would be 1970's tech to the Amish.
By the way, anyone know what an Amish guy's arm up a horse's butt is? A mechanic.
sakai4eva said:
Yup. Now we are describing quantum physics with languages initially designed to tell the other monkey where the fruit was.
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
Mind = blown! Genius post
I do often think the Amish and others of that ilk have the right idea. It may be luddism but as a society i bet they are generally happier than the rest of the world at large.
DirkGently1 said:
Mind = blown! Genius post
I do often think the Amish and others of that ilk have the right idea. It may be luddism but as a society i bet they are generally happier than the rest of the world at large.
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
Sorry to tell you but technology is important. I always remember the economics of technology, where tech has the potential of drastically changing supply, demand or both.
It increases the quality of life, and frees us to do things that are more important, like putting funny captions on pictures of cats instead of adding up a few thousand lines of labour costs.
You read HHGTTG, there was one book where people used leaves as currency...
p/s: I stole that initial quote from Pratchett.
sakai4eva said:
Sorry to tell you but technology is important. I always remember the economics of technology, where tech has the potential of drastically changing supply, demand or both.
It increases the quality of life, and frees us to do things that are more important, like putting funny captions on pictures of cats instead of adding up a few thousand lines of labour costs.
You read HHGTTG, there was one book where people used leaves as currency...
p/s: I stole that initial quote from Pratchett.
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
As i said earlier, it's too late to go back now. I disagree that technology improves lives though. More people die because of technology than are saved by it. You have to remember that as a race we have stopped evolving; instead our tools are evolving. Rather than changing to adapt to our environment we are trying to change our environment to adapt to us. This is not a good thing.
DirkGently1 said:
As i said earlier, it's too late to go back now. I disagree that technology improves lives though. More people die because of technology than are saved by it. You have to remember that as a race we have stopped evolving; instead our tools are evolving. Rather than changing to adapt to our environment we are trying to change our environment to adapt to us. This is not a good thing.
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
Wow, I could berate you over that. But I won't. The reason I want to is because THAT is a main part of the conservative/religious ideal. It's ignorant because they believe they...embodied in their gray matter...have all understanding and knowledge of the universe and existence. Because of this, they push hardship and suffering on society as something good for us.
These pea-brained idiots never consider they do not know everything. They have a thought, and because *they* have that thought, it has to be correct and righteous. So therefor they proceed to prevent society from having peace and they thwart all technological progress as much they can and call it evil. They are the kind that believes only someone who is constantly suffering is a better person. And they do that to people.
They see one aspect of something and conclude that it leads to what they believe it should.
You'll have to pardon my intensity because here in America, that is exactly what happened to my life. My life was wiped out as though it was nothing to me by ideological/religious/conservative zealots. With an attitude of, "You'll thank me when you recover". The only problem is they had no clue how destructive their ideology was to me and it obliterated my life.
I'm a godless Atheist but this is not a religious discussion! I love technology but i admit that the cost far outweighs the benefits. The global gene pool is getting weaker by the day while we rape the planet that we rely on to survive.
Advancement is inevitable but so is entropy. Equilibrium will be returned but i guarantee it won't be in a way that's favourable to human life.
DirkGently1 said:
I'm a godless Atheist but this is not a religious discussion! I love technology but i admit that the cost far outweighs the benefits. The global gene pool is getting weaker by the day while we rape the planet that we rely on to survive.
Advancement is inevitable but so is entropy. Equilibrium will be returned but i guarantee it won't be in a way that's favourable to human life.
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
Amen, I mean, I agree to that (zing!).
Truth is, I believe that technology helped me a lot. I mean, Microsoft Excel is a million times better than an A3 piece of paper and a calculator.
But certain techs makes us dumber, and not smarter. We don't use it to expand ourselves and our capabilities, but to limit ourselves and reduce innovation and creativity.
Case in point; iPhone.
**sniff sniff** smells like..... religious overtones.... wafting through the air....
(What I'm doing here.......... Your seing it??)
Marty, I'm looking in your direction......
conantroutman said:
**sniff sniff** smells like..... religious overtones.... wafting through the air....
(What I'm doing here.......... Your seing it??)
Marty, I'm looking in your direction......
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
Lol. Would be like missing John Cleese goose stepping through dining room...
Religion is OK just don't mention the war!!!
Sent from my GT-P1000
nobleskill said:
Lol. Would be like missing John Cleese goose stepping through dining room...
Religion is OK just don't mention the war!!!
Sent from my GT-P1000
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
What war? The one where they killed everyone for staying in some place long ago, or the one where they kill everyone else for being someone else?
Wait, I got that mixed up, didn't I, it was the one where they killed people for being different, right?
p/s: religion talk is never ok, especially when it gets slightly out of hand. Note the understatement
Hello All:
I came here seeking advice from tech savvy individuals before my situation gets out of hand.
I have been engaged for several months now and I do everything for her - and I mean everything! From romantic dates, to helping her learn English (I create study plans), I treat her with love, respect and kindness, I am honest, I am faithful, I cook for her almost everyday day ...heck, I even rub her feet at night! I try to be the best man that I can.
She seemed like the perfect girl at first and showed me great character, personality and beauty - althogh some of my friends are skeptical and believe she may be using me for a Canadian citizenship (she is from Africa).
In the last two months, I have caught her erasing WhatsApp messages, SMS, call history, etc. I began periodically checking her phone and found that she was heavily into pornography (everyday - please have a mature mind), so I spoke to her about it - she downright lied to my face when I had asked her 5 times and now, she deletes her browser history regularly. I have always caught her deleting POF (plenty of fish) emails as they come in, but she claims she is inactive.
One night, when we were both laying in bed, she received a call from this guy at 23h30 (1130pm) while we were watching a romantic movie - she takes it. For the next 30 minutes, she spoke to him in her native tongue, laughed, smiled and I overheard the guy on the phone, who was talking in a deep flirtacious voice (most of you know what this means). I asked her to drop the call and she laughed at me and continued.
This is when I began to suspect she was cheating on me and perhaps that my friends were right all along.
I am using a GPS tracker on her phone (via Google Location History and Device Manager) and on several occasions, where she was supposed to be at work, the GPS reports shows her 5-7 minutes away from work in a hotel for 2-3 hours! I have all the data printed for a potential confrontation.
My question to you is how accurate is this GPS? It says 22-30 feet, but is it REALLY 22-30 feet? The GPS circle doesn't even range at her work area - could I be wrong or am I just in denial?
Can I perhaps PM someone screenshots of this to get a second/third look?
I am highly considering placing a spy Android app on her phone to get a second set of "proof" to end the engagement before I get burned. Please give me your advice and assistance as I don't want my marriage to be a sham and have my life completely destroyed. I have already given up a high paying job so we can be in proximity amongst other things - heck, I even plan to give up my dream of being a teacher because the university she was accepted to (the entire city) does not have my program - it's just too far and we all know how well long distance relationships work, right? ...I feel sick to my stomach right now.
Thoughts?
Talk to her?
Sent from my HTC One_M8 using Tapatalk
Kareem83 said:
Hello All:
I came here seeking advice from tech savvy individuals before my situation gets out of hand.
I have been engaged for several months now and I do everything for her - and I mean everything! From romantic dates, to helping her learn English (I create study plans), I treat her with love, respect and kindness, I am honest, I am faithful, I cook for her almost everyday day ...heck, I even rub her feet at night! I try to be the best man that I can.
She seemed like the perfect girl at first and showed me great character, personality and beauty - althogh some of my friends are skeptical and believe she may be using me for a Canadian citizenship (she is from Africa).
In the last two months, I have caught her erasing WhatsApp messages, SMS, call history, etc. I began periodically checking her phone and found that she was heavily into pornography (everyday - please have a mature mind), so I spoke to her about it - she downright lied to my face when I had asked her 5 times and now, she deletes her browser history regularly. I have always caught her deleting POF (plenty of fish) emails as they come in, but she claims she is inactive.
One night, when we were both laying in bed, she received a call from this guy at 23h30 (1130pm) while we were watching a romantic movie - she takes it. For the next 30 minutes, she spoke to him in her native tongue, laughed, smiled and I overheard the guy on the phone, who was talking in a deep flirtacious voice (most of you know what this means). I asked her to drop the call and she laughed at me and continued.
This is when I began to suspect she was cheating on me and perhaps that my friends were right all along.
I am using a GPS tracker on her phone (via Google Location History and Device Manager) and on several occasions, where she was supposed to be at work, the GPS reports shows her 5-7 minutes away from work in a hotel for 2-3 hours! I have all the data printed for a potential confrontation.
My question to you is how accurate is this GPS? It says 22-30 feet, but is it REALLY 22-30 feet? The GPS circle doesn't even range at her work area - could I be wrong or am I just in denial?
Can I perhaps PM someone screenshots of this to get a second/third look?
I am highly considering placing a spy Android app on her phone to get a second set of "proof" to end the engagement before I get burned. Please give me your advice and assistance as I don't want my marriage to be a sham and have my life completely destroyed. I have already given up a high paying job so we can be in proximity amongst other things - heck, I even plan to give up my dream of being a teacher because the university she was accepted to (the entire city) does not have my program - it's just too far and we all know how well long distance relationships work, right? ...I feel sick to my stomach right now.
Thoughts?
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
Well, that's a lot of Information to cover. The thing I would be asking yourself is if you were vindicated could you cope with it? If she hasn't done a thing and you were wrong could you put your paranoia behind you? What's been happening here in my personal opinion is unhealthy for you at minimum and very damaging to your relationship. I'm concerned about how little you mention any positives about her. Even if you do get your answers has the damage already been done?
You should never have to give up your dreams for love.
As far as GPS is concerned it can be accurate to a few metres if conditions are optimal for example a clear unobstructed skyline and satellite above. Things can get distorted when buildings get involved, interference from other technology etc.
Sent from my HTC Desire S using Tapatalk
Break up with her now and cut your loses. Also, next time, don't be so nice. Ugly truth is, you got to be a slight jerk with your women for her to respect you. Don't ask my why, it's the way it is. If you're in a relationship, be the man, not the servant in the relationship.
Sent from my SM-N900T using Tapatalk
@Kareem83 Ohh man, I feel sorry for you. Not because of what she does, but because your suffering for not being able to let go of her. If there's any truths to all what you say, then there's only one way for you to be happy, drop her, like she's hot! And I say this, not because it is impossible to live with a person that have other interests, but because (1) you are not able to speak to each other about this, in an honest way, and (2) since you're even bringing this up here, it means you're really suffering from the idea that she could be with others.
Whoot! Giving up your job and dreams for a woman is just so wrong. It will never last, and it will not make either one of you happy, in the long run.
At this point you only have two options.
1) Let her go, and with that I mean get rid of her! Never fight with her when or before leaving, leave her as a proud man with good memories. Tell her you love her, but that you're just not her type.
2) Completely accept and embrace the fact that we live in a modern world where we as humans are more than capable to have multiple relationships and sexual partners, and still love each other. But from little psycho-analysis possible from your text above, this is not the right type of a relationship for you.
Good Luck!
(And please let us know what you do and how it goes.)
PS. There's no need for any more tracking and spying, just get over your denial and make a decision.
Ya Bud,if you havent yet,I'd kick her to the curb.Sounds like she is at the very least still looking for something else.Trust is most important in a relationship if you ain't got that,you got sh!t
Medium: Facebook
It was Summer, the Day was Bright.
I was in Myself.
Me: Hi!
Her: Hey
Me: How are you?
Her: I'm fine.
Me: I ain't okay, missing one.
Her: (conversations moved on)
Me: One Day, I met a Girl in Town. We spend some Days together, later on she entirely disappeared.
Her: Do you know where she went?
I was believing that she's gone. After some Researches and Conclusions I came to the Answer that she might be Victim of an Plane Accident.
Her: (desperately shocked)
after a while
Me: You want to spend Time together?
Her: No, I don't. What is her Name?
Me: I do not want to say. Also, you wouldn't know her.
Her: But might I can help you along with?
The Gossip never returned to me.
Years after
Medium: Existence of an Human
Other: She may disapeared.
Other: Maybe just lied.
Other: Must be a Secret, an Dirty one.
Other: Just its Lust can be.
Other: Must lost all Emotions.
Other: He just killed her.
Other: Let us try to Replace the Person against the End.
Other: Let us Investigate it.
Other: Let us make it a Gestalt so it'll hit it.
Other: We can just sneak him to Attack him.
Other: Lets keep it hidden.
Other: He can be married also.
Other: Who is it.
Other: Let us Pierce it with Drugs.
Other: Maybe it is one from the very Childhood.
Other: A Secret Agent!
Other: We can use it as a Candy Pinjata for Questions and Answers.
Other: Let us Curse it so deeply that any in the World can be following our Ruler.
Other: Maybe She is Royal.
Other: She can be Rich.
Other: A Secret Relationship?
Other: We need to exclude that Boy, we might use the Medium:Facebook/ We change Medium for aiming Prosperity.
Other: We take this Medium for us!
Other: If he does not give the Name out, we will criminalize it.
Other: We should be Far from that Human else If we'll hit ourselves.
Other: Let us make Profit out of Him.
Other: Yes, we steadyly compare him with the Highest we Know, despite it's Voice and Knowledge ain't that Hard, Right?
Other: We can not find it in our Medium? let us put it into Religions.
Other: Let us Sniff it's Keys and Control the Way it uses a Medium.
Other: She seems not existing, but we constantly find something New and Exciting, Funny and Entertaining. We just take it all as we can. The Human won't miss it anyway.
Me: Give me the Bullett, who ever does fill a Grave with Smud and Pain? Already the World in Rage and still it is moving on. This Psychopathological Treatment is without Consent Actions but is entirely on me. I fear to die the same Way and also being able for. Dante's Inferno is nothing compared with, also an Atheist, Scientists and any other even Hermetical Religion I'll be granted again my Will, but it is a Sum and Cumulative upon from me.
Other: We just bring the Bourgeois down!
Other: Communism for the World!
Other: You disappear to Fly without Plane and Destination, DO IT AGAIN.
Other: Also you missed It, as it either is the Outcome of Human
Other: We did not Killed a Human.
All-Other: Not just a Single Human, you Killed the World and yourself can follow. The Suffer Upon one Human Hits the Global World, and this Burak(me) even had the feared Lost of Certificates and ID, their Parents being Forced into Heresy and also Concerns Origin of Islam.
Other: We can, if it is he, recreate?
All-Other: Never succeeded. The Grief from this one who had to from the Roots of Human peaked to the Roof is a Fortune that it didn't tossed anything away.
Other: What with us?
All-Other: You went into an Antagonist Position. It striked upon itself by the Littlest of Injure, and also the Planet. It also Increased itself from the Living ones from their Graves as a Plain. And, if you believe or not, it reached the End of Our Understanding. We can not just Farm. We can not send it alone into the Decent, it saw a Reality we all avoid. One, that Haunts us and Scares upon Death for which we all try to survive and avoid Humanity.
Other: Can't we just pretend it belongs to us what happened?
All-Other: No One Can. We are all tied together and it had what we Fear: Two-Lined, Borderlined Personality and also as if eaten the ICD of the Human Psyche and Philosophy around. It described itself being as ID any Connection is has, a Love in any Medium we have without taking it.
Everything you Search is it. Every Thing upon you Searched is now in it.
An Entire City was as if sought of Life.
It Experienced the After Hiroshima Disease.
Reincarnated. And it Blessed it to, not being reachable.
In Conclusion, we would have to recreate anything it Know about Connections and would have do it the Same - it knew the War and also Solidarity with People from War.
And it originated with Capitalistic Knowledge, so yes.
We can't. It is a Dark Decent.
Also, it didn't shared with Family and Relatives who are Safe.
And, if you believe or not - it still pushes Away People.
Authorities: Investigating without Professionals already bought up Knights, Royals who are Sick after are Tied to this One. Companies and Countries. Religions and Criminals. And your Hate without Manner and Form it'll be Responsible for Us.
Other: If it decides to Life on?
Me: What is a Question with an Answer but no Truth other than anything we would, as you did tried to Stay Away from less than the Truth? Just the Answer and the Question and a Truth reached to Exist it All. I am in Pieces of a Whole spread from the Roots of our Understanding, Imagination and Fantasy to the Ability and Perception also the Invention of Development and Vision, Dreams and the Quite very Understanding of Human and Time, Will and Freedom. I got everything, but not Myself no More. I got Lost in the One who isn't anymore whose Death I experienced. The World is a Butterfly and I am the Fire of Pain when I touch it's Wings. Also am I a Butterfly whose Pain is a Inferno to the World, a Broken Ceremony with the Vastness of Impossibility in Me.
I just longe for a Weapon, the Gun I had can not Pierce, it is a Self Defensive Pepper Bullets Spreading Piece of Metal.
The Decent? I feared it already before I knew and denied to get there. No One Ever Listened. I can not ever Share what I do not have, for which who exposed me to Experience can not be Hidden (also not in me) or in an Kartuska, HKBL Scheme or in the Gestalt of Stone or Sun.
Religions will expose and are no Shield as they Cooperate.
There is something about the World I gotta tell you, but I forgot in the Meticulousness of Itself, yours, being Vulnerable for Failures I can not Expose.
All-Other: If, it would be elsewise it would not. But ain't.
Other: It can not be Admirable!
Medium: Following it, as Will, going to Suffer what it all Connected itself with. It denied the Animal and would Accept Deaths as its Own. Religions to Flee to are, but those Concern is about the Reason who was all the Time reachable.
Me: Be Graceful, I want to Fall again through Myself and will again Lose a Piece. If, I would know the Direct Way. My Szient Stuck where it stucked before.
Killing Me Would be All-Other in My Will.
Remaining, you and My Will.
Falling in Myself I'll encounter Me.
Disagreeing with all, exposing over what you even placed in the Hull.
I did not excluded the Causes of You and Me but did any Monetary, Force, Success, Movement, Influence and I met, you recreated in the Aimless Goal yourself, another Spirit of you awhile you suffered in the try to Avoid Me and taking the Place of Me as Yours. You had a Friend, I left the Place as it ain't Mine.
But the Hull of the One remained, is it is as any other it the World another One.
I'll encounter Me, the Hidden Me and will deteste and hate if I do not kill Myself, and I won't allow any Heresy.
Other: Your Fault.
All-Other: The Same Faults who leaded us here. It can move on and will recreate the Patterns we always had.
Me: I'll probably being tortured as everything Left is Everything I hate and None won't get to put it to me, from Lies about a Baby that I do should posses to Iconic People who'll shatter on themselves so it'll will repeat Again.
By Force, I'll be Left to Life.
Thanks again, and Goodybye.
Too long,
But thank you for the contribution. :good:
Didn't read, didn't care much xD
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Just recently started using this website to get to know how to root, twrp, all that good stuff for the first time and the support I have had has been amazing and the community seems really active like I litterally got a reply to my comment in under 10 mins after posting it don't even remember the last time that happened all in all happy to be here
Welcome to xda.
Good to hear you are enjoying xda.
It is a very active site and normally someone can give you an answer or help find one.
Glad to have you part of the xda family.
Cheers.
Yes it was quite the learning experience, I had to use the knowledge I had learned through the years to actually conceptualize how to deploy a defense and anoffense. DESPITE HOW I FEEL ABOUT IT NOW: I would never put anyone else hrougu that though. These days we've become, as a society, very dependent on our technologies, I'm some cases if you don't have access or knowlefhe of the most basic components, it could cost a meal, or where you lay your head at night. Let's see, I lost 4 smartphones, 2 tablets, half my hair went grey, the other half just gave up and fell out, and it cost me 2 job opportunites that will not be around in my near future. Having the knowledge of technology is great, having the wisdom, the experience in wether to deploy it, or make it what it's for are two different beast, I think people initially don't feel that there hurting anyone by using technology to get back at them, but if they put themselves in the shoes the person is about to walk in, is the punishment balancing what it will cost them in real life because of the lost communication, job, or relationship? Just because it's not a knock out drag out fight doesn't mean it won't sting
So essentially what I am saying is that it has become the right hook, body slam, forrgose that can't actually do that to someone, but there is a degree of social responsibility, that needs to be assessed. If I deploy a hijacker virus on someone because they said something I didn't like, and that person supported their family with Uber, depending on how long I kept the hijack up I might just help that dude get an eviction, no technology, no phone, no way or getting fares, etc, etc.....