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True story : I picked up a load of colored painted lumber in Atlanta and dropped it off in Lancaster, pa. An Amish family that made high end custom play sets for rich folks and wow the stuff the could build seemed like some from a Harry Potter movie. We started talking about technology and they didn't desire to have a cellphone or any phone for that matter. They seemed so much at peace with just the basics in life. Clearly they live in a area with malls but still appreciated life in a simple form. Now its 2011 and most folks can't go a day without cellphone use, and have a piss fit if they cell is about to die while at the mall. We stand in long lines waiting for the new it phone then rush home to make an unboxing video as others tune to watch us in awe to remove the plastic off a device. We call up the carriers begging for an update to get a new device.. log in to sites like this and complain about the device and while asking developers to stop spending time with your family and hurry up on that root so i can do a whole bunch of nothing with my phone. I'm not saying cellphones are bad, if your wife ran out to pick up pizza and got a flat you definitely want her to have one in that situation. I'm talking bout being apart of the gimmick crowd...
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geeksquadryder said:
True story : I picked up a load of colored painted lumber in Atlanta and dropped it off in Lancaster, pa. An Amish family that made high end custom play sets for rich folks and wow the stuff the could build seemed like some from a Harry Potter movie. We started talking about technology and they didn't desire to have a cellphone or any phone for that matter. They seemed so much at peace with just the basics in life. Clearly they live in a area with malls but still appreciated life in a simple form. Now its 2011 and most folks can't go a day without cellphone use, and have a piss fit if they cell is about to die while at the mall. We stand in long lines waiting for the new it phone then rush home to make an unboxing video as others tune to watch us in awe to remove the plastic off a device. We call up the carriers begging for an update to get a new device.. log in to sites like this and complain about the device and while asking developers to stop spending time with your family and hurry up on that root so i can do a whole bunch of nothing with my phone. I'm not saying cellphones are bad, if your wife ran out to pick up pizza and got a flat you definitely want her to have one in that situation. I'm talking bout being apart of the gimmick crowd...
Sent from my PC36100 using XDA App
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I'm happy to be there. My firm belief is that technology will produce the paradise we all want. Unlike some conservative types, I don't adhere to the rule of suffering in life all the time. They think the only good person is one who is 24/7/365 suffering and doing without. We make technology to overcome the environment, not to continue to suffer in it. The only reason there is any form of suffering in the world is because technology hasn't developed to the point of addressing all of the needs. As long as a person holds onto their ethical and moral integrity, suffering is needless.
Don't like this idea. Some people always say that these are just devices that call and text, everything else is excess and we don't need it in our daily lives. Like we should be grateful we have them. But this is called progress. At one time, we didn't have cars or color tv or this latest gadget. And we have adjusted our lives accordingly so that they are essentials in day to day living. It's foolish to just live in the past or sit still, the world moves at a fast pace. If we didn't feel a need for more, innovation would just stop. They don't even call cell phones "cell phones" anymore, they call them mobiles because that's what they are. Mobile devices
Yes, I agree with you geeksquadryder. As we are forgetting what a real life is? We need mobiles for doing our daily work but some people getting mobiles for not satisfying must needs but for fun. We know how much impact these mobiles can have in our life in helping and ruining. So, its upto the head of the home to teach or drive his/her home to be happy with/without things of needed.
Our biggest mistake was coming down from the trees in the first place. Everything since then is just compounded error. Too late to go back now!
aFo3262 said:
Don't like this idea. Some people always say that these are just devices that call and text, everything else is excess and we don't need it in our daily lives. Like we should be grateful we have them. But this is called progress. At one time, we didn't have cars or color tv or this latest gadget. And we have adjusted our lives accordingly so that they are essentials in day to day living. It's foolish to just live in the past or sit still, the world moves at a fast pace. If we didn't feel a need for more, innovation would just stop. They don't even call cell phones "cell phones" anymore, they call them mobiles because that's what they are. Mobile devices
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+1
people are constantly saying how technology has made ungrateful and ruined lives. I don't see how wanting the most out of your phone can ruin your life. This is called evolution/progress. I'm glad we have cell phones and I'm glad technology is getting better and I hope one day I won't have to lift a finger to do many of the tedious tasks I do on a day to day basis.
Sent from my HTC Glacier using XDA App
If we just stick to "need" when we live life, we'd be a very poor society. Much of the art and technology we have today have made it so far for want of innovation and pleasure. And yes, also for pure fun.
It's not excessive, it's creative, new, interesting and in this way, important. Especially since we came down from the trees...
DirkGently1 said:
Our biggest mistake was coming down from the trees in the first place. Everything since then is just compounded error. Too late to go back now!
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Yup. Now we are describing quantum physics with languages initially designed to tell the other monkey where the fruit was.
yeah, and let's just revert back to farming for every one right...
i'll use whatever tech i want, you can go be a luddite.
ballasdontcry said:
yeah, and let's just revert back to farming for every one right...
i'll use whatever tech i want, you can go be a luddite.
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Or use two tin cans and a string...
(somebody's sig, that is)
sakai4eva said:
Or use two tin cans and a string...
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That would be 1970's tech to the Amish.
By the way, anyone know what an Amish guy's arm up a horse's butt is? A mechanic.
sakai4eva said:
Yup. Now we are describing quantum physics with languages initially designed to tell the other monkey where the fruit was.
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Mind = blown! Genius post
I do often think the Amish and others of that ilk have the right idea. It may be luddism but as a society i bet they are generally happier than the rest of the world at large.
DirkGently1 said:
Mind = blown! Genius post
I do often think the Amish and others of that ilk have the right idea. It may be luddism but as a society i bet they are generally happier than the rest of the world at large.
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Sorry to tell you but technology is important. I always remember the economics of technology, where tech has the potential of drastically changing supply, demand or both.
It increases the quality of life, and frees us to do things that are more important, like putting funny captions on pictures of cats instead of adding up a few thousand lines of labour costs.
You read HHGTTG, there was one book where people used leaves as currency...
p/s: I stole that initial quote from Pratchett.
sakai4eva said:
Sorry to tell you but technology is important. I always remember the economics of technology, where tech has the potential of drastically changing supply, demand or both.
It increases the quality of life, and frees us to do things that are more important, like putting funny captions on pictures of cats instead of adding up a few thousand lines of labour costs.
You read HHGTTG, there was one book where people used leaves as currency...
p/s: I stole that initial quote from Pratchett.
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As i said earlier, it's too late to go back now. I disagree that technology improves lives though. More people die because of technology than are saved by it. You have to remember that as a race we have stopped evolving; instead our tools are evolving. Rather than changing to adapt to our environment we are trying to change our environment to adapt to us. This is not a good thing.
DirkGently1 said:
As i said earlier, it's too late to go back now. I disagree that technology improves lives though. More people die because of technology than are saved by it. You have to remember that as a race we have stopped evolving; instead our tools are evolving. Rather than changing to adapt to our environment we are trying to change our environment to adapt to us. This is not a good thing.
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Wow, I could berate you over that. But I won't. The reason I want to is because THAT is a main part of the conservative/religious ideal. It's ignorant because they believe they...embodied in their gray matter...have all understanding and knowledge of the universe and existence. Because of this, they push hardship and suffering on society as something good for us.
These pea-brained idiots never consider they do not know everything. They have a thought, and because *they* have that thought, it has to be correct and righteous. So therefor they proceed to prevent society from having peace and they thwart all technological progress as much they can and call it evil. They are the kind that believes only someone who is constantly suffering is a better person. And they do that to people.
They see one aspect of something and conclude that it leads to what they believe it should.
You'll have to pardon my intensity because here in America, that is exactly what happened to my life. My life was wiped out as though it was nothing to me by ideological/religious/conservative zealots. With an attitude of, "You'll thank me when you recover". The only problem is they had no clue how destructive their ideology was to me and it obliterated my life.
I'm a godless Atheist but this is not a religious discussion! I love technology but i admit that the cost far outweighs the benefits. The global gene pool is getting weaker by the day while we rape the planet that we rely on to survive.
Advancement is inevitable but so is entropy. Equilibrium will be returned but i guarantee it won't be in a way that's favourable to human life.
DirkGently1 said:
I'm a godless Atheist but this is not a religious discussion! I love technology but i admit that the cost far outweighs the benefits. The global gene pool is getting weaker by the day while we rape the planet that we rely on to survive.
Advancement is inevitable but so is entropy. Equilibrium will be returned but i guarantee it won't be in a way that's favourable to human life.
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Amen, I mean, I agree to that (zing!).
Truth is, I believe that technology helped me a lot. I mean, Microsoft Excel is a million times better than an A3 piece of paper and a calculator.
But certain techs makes us dumber, and not smarter. We don't use it to expand ourselves and our capabilities, but to limit ourselves and reduce innovation and creativity.
Case in point; iPhone.
**sniff sniff** smells like..... religious overtones.... wafting through the air....
(What I'm doing here.......... Your seing it??)
Marty, I'm looking in your direction......
conantroutman said:
**sniff sniff** smells like..... religious overtones.... wafting through the air....
(What I'm doing here.......... Your seing it??)
Marty, I'm looking in your direction......
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Lol. Would be like missing John Cleese goose stepping through dining room...
Religion is OK just don't mention the war!!!
Sent from my GT-P1000
nobleskill said:
Lol. Would be like missing John Cleese goose stepping through dining room...
Religion is OK just don't mention the war!!!
Sent from my GT-P1000
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What war? The one where they killed everyone for staying in some place long ago, or the one where they kill everyone else for being someone else?
Wait, I got that mixed up, didn't I, it was the one where they killed people for being different, right?
p/s: religion talk is never ok, especially when it gets slightly out of hand. Note the understatement
You're not entitled to anything. You obviously don't remember the dumbphone era and I have seen a lot of members act like they take all the cool things Windows, IoS, and Android can do for granted. It's a phone and it can text and call. A few years ago, they introduced the ability to REALLY browse the web with phones instead of that blocky, crappy, ugly built in browsers to dumbphones. Now, you get mad if your phone doesn't load something soon enough or if it takes more than 30 seconds to boot up. Just because it's a smart phone doesn't mean it has to do anything. I can take an LG rumor, call that a smart phone. I can take my HTC Hero, break the screen, pull out the MoBo and say it's a smart phone. It's just that since we have all these neat things our phones can do, we act like it's the standard and that android, iOS, and Wp7 owes us. That's not even close to the case. I spent 2 months with a LG Rumor which is known as a dumbphone and I learned that perhaps we should realize what our phones can do are us advancing as a society as a whole rather than "Your phone loads videos sooner than mine!?!!" *throws phone out the window* It's a peice of technology, wait 10 minutes, there will be a better one right around the corner. We advance far too quickly for this kind of petty, childish, bratty behavior. Basically, grow up before you ruin the phone-modding world as a whole by acting like you are 10.
So... what's new? What changed to make this issue worth debating all over again?
Well said. I think this applies to a lot a lot of things in life and all too often i'm seeing kids with massive entitlement issues around various forums.
Conscript the lot of them into military service so that they can get some perspective and learn what real hardship feels like!
DirkGently1 said:
Well said. I think this applies to a lot a lot of things in life and all too often i'm seeing kids with massive entitlement issues around various forums.
Conscript the lot of them into military service so that they can get some perspective and learn what real hardship feels like!
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Amen brother
-Figured i needed a signature for my phone. This is it......
Wow..thank you
Sent from my T959 using XDA App
I personally can say that the time with the lg rumor showed me how much phones have evolved and it made me appreciate all the stuff my phone can do.
Sent from the unevolved evo.
Entitlement is a disease.
Most of the younger generations suffer from it.
I only put so much worth into my phone because it triples as my personal computer and music player. I'm a minimalist at heart, so I don't own anything else very technological (not including my TV).
I remember when I bought my Palm Pre. iPhone killer. It was amazing. Then the Moto Droid came out and I thought, oh gee, that's sweet. I stuck with the Pre until June, and bought the Nexus S. Thinking I was now at the pinnacle of mobile technology... only to realize two weeks later 249243 newer, better devices are on their way.
I don't feel I'm entitled to anything....
And I think that smartphones are taking away our lives rather than enhancing them. We txt, email, foursquare, take pictures but do the one thing that they were originally intended for to begin with....
COMMUNICATE.
When I get home now - I have to put the phone on a charger and try and forget about it so I can spend quality time with my wife and son rather then farting around with the phone.
avgjoegeek said:
I don't feel I'm entitled to anything....
And I think that smartphones are taking away our lives rather than enhancing them. We txt, email, foursquare, take pictures but do the one thing that they were originally intended for to begin with....
COMMUNICATE.
When I get home now - I have to put the phone on a charger and try and forget about it so I can spend quality time with my wife and son rather then farting around with the phone.
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Sorry, i'm too busy fart-arsing around with my phone to talk to anybody...
I do agree with the above. If technology is supposed to make it easier to communicate, why are people growing increasingly isolated from each other?
DirkGently1 said:
Well said. I think this applies to a lot a lot of things in life and all too often i'm seeing kids with massive entitlement issues around various forums.
Conscript the lot of them into military service so that they can get some perspective and learn what real hardship feels like!
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
I have a nephew that needs to be the very first one to go...lol
He's 23 years old and makes demands on what people do for him.
DirkGently1 said:
Sorry, i'm too busy fart-arsing around with my phone to talk to anybody...
I do agree with the above. If technology is supposed to make it easier to communicate, why are people growing increasingly isolated from each other?
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Sorry can you repeat that please?
I was tweeting.......
Sent From My Fingers To Your Face.....
conantroutman said:
Sorry can you repeat that please?
I was tweeting.......
Sent From My Fingers To Your Face.....
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He mentioned something silly about flatulence that I didn't catch.
The problem is not entitlement per se - it's feeling entitled to the wrong things. We all are entitled to respect from other people. But we aren't entitled to things or money or positions in society.
I had her email.
Chatted with her on AIM
Actually she still has her account but hasn't signed in.
She deleted her Yahoo so no contact.
What should I do?
verycoolalan said:
i had her email.
Chatted with her on aim
actually she still has her account but hasn't signed in.
She deleted her yahoo so no contact.
What should i do?
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find a new girl alan
fleurdelisxliv said:
find a new girl alan
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+1.
-We do what we must because we can; for the good of all of us, except the ones who are dead-
She didn't delete it, she blocked you.
jaszek said:
She didn't delete it, she blocked you.
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Ouch
Sent from my LG-P999 using xda premium
VeryCoolAlan said:
What should I do?
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Continue with life. You have very little choice.
jaszek said:
She didn't delete it, she blocked you.
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Haha! If she is that girl for whom you opened 3 threads,she's blocked you for sure xD
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dexter93 said:
Haha! If she is that girl for whom you opened 3 threads,she's blocked you for sure xD
Sent from my GT-S5570 using XDA App
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Haha nahh they were about three different girls.
Lol okay
Sent from my SGH-T959 using xda premium
Just float on man. No woman is worth the trouble. Just ask error or me. They're a pain in the arse.
-My life is a shooting range, people never change-
Alan, personally i think you're a bloody nice bloke. You're open, honest, sincere.. and i don't think you'd know a scruple if it hit you in the face. Basically you're too nice for most girls you're age. Hell, too nice for most girls full stop. You are in more danger of getting into the 'friendship zone' than any man i know!
All that means is you'll find it hard to find a woman that deserves you. The others will be going after guys that treat them crap, that don't appreciate them and who take them for granted, while you are left looking on from the sidelines wondering to yourself, "what the hell does she see in him?" That is the lot of the nice guy i'm afraid.
The good news is that those aren't the women you want to be with, and you're better off without them anyway. Right now, if one of the more shallow females that you may be acquainted with started showing interest, you would be right to question if there may be a chance that you became a gaping asshole over-night. If however, an equally kind and sincere woman decided to show some interest, no matter how long it took for that to happen, you would know that it's something worth betting the bank on.
The worst thing you could do right now, and the biggest pitfall, would be to try and be someone you're not, just to attract someone you like. Tempting as it may be to try and elevate your status to that of some sort of man-god, women of either kind will see right through that facade. Either way you'd lose!
What you should be doing right now is carrying on with your life. By all means take the opportunity to speak to as many members of the opposite sex as possible. But do it as one person to another, not as some post-pubescent teenager desperate to get his rocks off, Otherwise you may as well tattoo 'i want to get laid' on your forehead, guaranteeing that it will never happen! Don't be a douche, be the nice guy that you actually are. Be yourself.
Of course if you're good, you can fake confidence and charm. I know this from experience. You can trick a woman into liking you. But ultimately, you lose big time doing that. You can't keep up the pretence forever, and you'll always be with a person you have no respect for anyway. Epic Fail basically!
I'd say that perhaps 5% of the worlds population are decent people. People that i personally would want to know. I'd include you in that small percentage. Sadly that means that the odds are stacked against you when it comes to finding a suitable partner. After all, you shouldn't have to settle for one of the 95%, and everyone on your level is fighting it out for the remaining 5%! But on the upside, those 5% of decent women and prospective partners have already ruled out the 95% of sub-standard men and are looking for the 5% that they would be happy with too.
Another way to interpret that is to say that if you are average, and you are looking for average, there's a damn good chance that something will happen for you... no matter how 'average' that something is. If you are above average, and are looking for something that is equally decent, you had better bloody well be patient; but the payoff will be so much better in the end.
The way i see it playing out? One day when you're still scratching around in desperation trying to pinpoint your ideal woman, she'll already be in your life, trying to make herself known to you... and if you're lucky, you won't miss the signals.
Two things:
He is 14 or 15 (should be concentrating on having a life and school)
and he is a Troll...and this comes from a troll...I guess it takes one to know one
If I see any more threads like this I'ma lose it
When i was 15 i was already living with a girl. I wish there had been the Internet back then to vent my spleen in. As it was i had to write letters through a Sunday School support scheme for 'adolescent issues'. If i needed support with my teen problems i was SOL.
Alan is a genuine guy facing the same problems as any guy his age. He deserves a little guidance. God knows i wish i had some at that age!
Great advice Dirk. You are a true gentleman. Wise words as always. I (and I'm sure many others) read and respect many of your posts.
DirkGently said:
Alan, personally i think you're a bloody nice bloke. You're open, honest, sincere.. and i don't think you'd know a scruple if it hit you in the face. Basically you're too nice for most girls you're age. Hell, too nice for most girls full stop. You are in more danger of getting into the 'friendship zone' than any man i know!
All that means is you'll find it hard to find a woman that deserves you. The others will be going after guys that treat them crap, that don't appreciate them and who take them for granted, while you are left looking on from the sidelines wondering to yourself, "what the hell does she see in him?" That is the lot of the nice guy i'm afraid.
The good news is that those aren't the women you want to be with, and you're better off without them anyway. Right now, if one of the more shallow females that you may be acquainted with started showing interest, you would be right to question if there may be a chance that you became a gaping asshole over-night. If however, an equally kind and sincere woman decided to show some interest, no matter how long it took for that to happen, you would know that it's something worth betting the bank on.
The worst thing you could do right now, and the biggest pitfall, would be to try and be someone you're not, just to attract someone you like. Tempting as it may be to try and elevate your status to that of some sort of man-god, women of either kind will see right through that facade. Either way you'd lose!
What you should be doing right now is carrying on with your life. By all means take the opportunity to speak to as many members of the opposite sex as possible. But do it as one person to another, not as some post-pubescent teenager desperate to get his rocks off, Otherwise you may as well tattoo 'i want to get laid' on your forehead, guaranteeing that it will never happen! Don't be a douche, be the nice guy that you actually are. Be yourself.
Of course if you're good, you can fake confidence and charm. I know this from experience. You can trick a woman into liking you. But ultimately, you lose big time doing that. You can't keep up the pretence forever, and you'll always be with a person you have no respect for anyway. Epic Fail basically!
I'd say that perhaps 5% of the worlds population are decent people. People that i personally would want to know. I'd include you in that small percentage. Sadly that means that the odds are stacked against you when it comes to finding a suitable partner. After all, you shouldn't have to settle for one of the 95%, and everyone on your level is fighting it out for the remaining 5%! But on the upside, those 5% of decent women and prospective partners have already ruled out the 95% of sub-standard men and are looking for the 5% that they would be happy with too.
Another way to interpret that is to say that if you are average, and you are looking for average, there's a damn good chance that something will happen for you... no matter how 'average' that something is. If you are above average, and are looking for something that is equally decent, you had better bloody well be patient; but the payoff will be so much better in the end.
The way i see it playing out? One day when you're still scratching around in desperation trying to pinpoint your ideal woman, she'll already be in your life, trying to make herself known to you... and if you're lucky, you won't miss the signals.
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
Yes! You understand me!
I always see really pretty girls be like made fun of and yet it makes them like them better. I tried that once but ended up being an ass so I stopped and went back to be myself. I also tried to dress differently and didn't like it. So i went back to baggy ripped jeans and a plain $5 shirt.
I also know about the too nice guy thing. People always tell me I'm too nice and when my someone make fun of me someone always tells me why I don't standup for myself....I don't know maybe I just don't like violence or yelling.
Anyways...thanks a lot for this advice!!!!
So now moving on xD
Should I chase another girl at school? or just not care?
DirkGently said:
Alan, personally i think you're a bloody nice bloke. You're open, honest, sincere.. and i don't think you'd know a scruple if it hit you in the face. Basically you're too nice for most girls you're age. Hell, too nice for most girls full stop. You are in more danger of getting into the 'friendship zone' than any man i know!
All that means is you'll find it hard to find a woman that deserves you. The others will be going after guys that treat them crap, that don't appreciate them and who take them for granted, while you are left looking on from the sidelines wondering to yourself, "what the hell does she see in him?" That is the lot of the nice guy i'm afraid.
The good news is that those aren't the women you want to be with, and you're better off without them anyway. Right now, if one of the more shallow females that you may be acquainted with started showing interest, you would be right to question if there may be a chance that you became a gaping asshole over-night. If however, an equally kind and sincere woman decided to show some interest, no matter how long it took for that to happen, you would know that it's something worth betting the bank on.
The worst thing you could do right now, and the biggest pitfall, would be to try and be someone you're not, just to attract someone you like. Tempting as it may be to try and elevate your status to that of some sort of man-god, women of either kind will see right through that facade. Either way you'd lose!
What you should be doing right now is carrying on with your life. By all means take the opportunity to speak to as many members of the opposite sex as possible. But do it as one person to another, not as some post-pubescent teenager desperate to get his rocks off, Otherwise you may as well tattoo 'i want to get laid' on your forehead, guaranteeing that it will never happen! Don't be a douche, be the nice guy that you actually are. Be yourself.
Of course if you're good, you can fake confidence and charm. I know this from experience. You can trick a woman into liking you. But ultimately, you lose big time doing that. You can't keep up the pretence forever, and you'll always be with a person you have no respect for anyway. Epic Fail basically!
I'd say that perhaps 5% of the worlds population are decent people. People that i personally would want to know. I'd include you in that small percentage. Sadly that means that the odds are stacked against you when it comes to finding a suitable partner. After all, you shouldn't have to settle for one of the 95%, and everyone on your level is fighting it out for the remaining 5%! But on the upside, those 5% of decent women and prospective partners have already ruled out the 95% of sub-standard men and are looking for the 5% that they would be happy with too.
Another way to interpret that is to say that if you are average, and you are looking for average, there's a damn good chance that something will happen for you... no matter how 'average' that something is. If you are above average, and are looking for something that is equally decent, you had better bloody well be patient; but the payoff will be so much better in the end.
The way i see it playing out? One day when you're still scratching around in desperation trying to pinpoint your ideal woman, she'll already be in your life, trying to make herself known to you... and if you're lucky, you won't miss the signals.
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
That was so deep man
Sent from my LG-P999 using xda premium
VeryCoolAlan said:
Yes! You understand me!
I always see really pretty girls be like made fun of and yet it makes them like them better. I tried that once but ended up being an ass so I stopped and went back to be myself. I also tried to dress differently and didn't like it. So i went back to baggy ripped jeans and a plain $5 shirt.
I also know about the too nice guy thing. People always tell me I'm too nice and when my someone make fun of me someone always tells me why I don't standup for myself....I don't know maybe I just don't like violence or yelling.
Anyways...thanks a lot for this advice!!!!
So now moving on xD
Should I chase another girl at school? or just not care?
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Click to collapse
Definitely move on to another girl in school, hell move to a girl at a different school, they don't know you as well as the others do and its like starting over, I'm 16 so I know this works (atleast for me)
Good luck!
Sent from my HTC Glacier using xda premium
*Warning!* Contains content that you may not agree with!
I was going through my hard drive and found this cached from Gizmodo, about a year ago. Mature responses only, please! And remember, you can talk to people about your worries, you really can.
Bill Zeller * 2011
I have the urge to declare my sanity and justify my actions, but I assume I'll never be able to convince anyone that this was the right decision. Maybe it's true that anyone who does this is insane by definition, but I can at least explain my reasoning. I considered not writing any of this because of how personal it is, but I like tying up loose ends and don't want people to wonder why I did this. Since I've never spoken to anyone about what happened to me, people would likely draw the wrong conclusions.
My first memories as a child are of being raped, repeatedly. This has affected every aspect of my life. This darkness, which is the only way I can describe it, has followed me like a fog, but at times intensified and overwhelmed me, usually triggered by a distinct situation. In kindergarten I couldn't use the bathroom and would stand petrified whenever I needed to, which started a trend of awkward and unexplained social behavior. The damage that was done to my body still prevents me from using the bathroom normally, but now it's less of a physical impediment than a daily reminder of what was done to me.
This darkness followed me as I grew up. I remember spending hours playing with legos, having my world consist of me and a box of cold, plastic blocks. Just waiting for everything to end. It's the same thing I do now, but instead of legos it's surfing the web or reading or listening to a baseball game. Most of my life has been spent feeling dead inside, waiting for my body to catch up.
At times growing up I would feel inconsolable rage, but I never connected this to what happened until puberty. I was able to keep the darkness at bay for a few hours at a time by doing things that required intense concentration, but it would always come back. Programming appealed to me for this reason. I was never particularly fond of computers or mathematically inclined, but the temporary peace it would provide was like a drug. But the darkness always returned and built up something like a tolerance, because programming has become less and less of a refuge.
The darkness is with me nearly every time I wake up. I feel like a grime is covering me. I feel like I'm trapped in a contimated body that no amount of washing will clean. Whenever I think about what happened I feel manic and itchy and can't concentrate on anything else. It manifests itself in hours of eating or staying up for days at a time or sleeping for sixteen hours straight or week long programming binges or constantly going to the gym. I'm exhausted from feeling like this every hour of every day.
Three to four nights a week I have nightmares about what happened. It makes me avoid sleep and constantly tired, because sleeping with what feels like hours of nightmares is not restful. I wake up sweaty and furious. I'm reminded every morning of what was done to me and the control it has over my life.
I've never been able to stop thinking about what happened to me and this hampered my social interactions. I would be angry and lost in thought and then be interrupted by someone saying "Hi" or making small talk, unable to understand why I seemed cold and distant. I walked around, viewing the outside world from a distant portal behind my eyes, unable to perform normal human niceties. I wondered what it would be like to take to other people without what happened constantly on my mind, and I wondered if other people had similar experiences that they were better able to mask.
Alcohol was also something that let me escape the darkness. It would always find me later, though, and it was always angry that I managed to escape and it made me pay. Many of the irresponsible things I did were the result of the darkness. Obviously I'm responsible for every decision and action, including this one, but there are reasons why things happen the way they do.
Alcohol and other drugs provided a way to ignore the realities of my situation. It was easy to spend the night drinking and forget that I had no future to look forward to. I never liked what alcohol did to me, but it was better than facing my existence honestly. I haven't touched alcohol or any other drug in over seven months (and no drugs or alcohol will be involved when I do this) and this has forced me to evaluate my life in an honest and clear way. There's no future here. The darkness will always be with me.
I used to think if I solved some problem or achieved some goal, maybe he would leave. It was comforting to identify tangible issues as the source of my problems instead of something that I'll never be able to change. I thought that if I got into to a good college, or a good grad school, or lost weight, or went to the gym nearly every day for a year, or created programs that millions of people used, or spent a summer or California or New York or published papers that I was proud of, then maybe I would feel some peace and not be constantly haunted and unhappy. But nothing I did made a dent in how depressed I was on a daily basis and nothing was in any way fulfilling. I'm not sure why I ever thought that would change anything.
I didn't realize how deep a hold he had on me and my life until my first relationship. I stupidly assumed that no matter how the darkness affected me personally, my romantic relationships would somehow be separated and protected. Growing up I viewed my future relationships as a possible escape from this thing that haunts me every day, but I began to realize how entangled it was with every aspect of my life and how it is never going to release me. Instead of being an escape, relationships and romantic contact with other people only intensified everything about him that I couldn't stand. I will never be able to have a relationship in which he is not the focus, affecting every aspect of my romantic interactions.
Relationships always started out fine and I'd be able to ignore him for a few weeks. But as we got closer emotionally the darkness would return and every night it'd be me, her and the darkness in a black and gruesome threesome. He would surround me and penetrate me and the more we did the more intense it became. It made me hate being touched, because as long as we were separated I could view her like an outsider viewing something good and kind and untainted. Once we touched, the darkness would envelope her too and take her over and the evil inside me would surround her. I always felt like I was infecting anyone I was with.
Relationships didn't work. No one I dated was the right match, and I thought that maybe if I found the right person it would overwhelm him. Part of me knew that finding the right person wouldn't help, so I became interested in girls who obviously had no interest in me. For a while I thought I was gay. I convinced myself that it wasn't the darkness at all, but rather my orientation, because this would give me control over why things didn't feel "right". The fact that the darkness affected sexual matters most intensely made this idea make some sense and I convinced myself of this for a number of years, starting in college after my first relationship ended. I told people I was gay (at Trinity, not at Princeton), even though I wasn't attracted to men and kept finding myself interested in girls. Because if being gay wasn't the answer, then what was? People thought I was avoiding my orientation, but I was actually avoiding the truth, which is that while I'm straight, I will never be content with anyone. I know now that the darkness will never leave.
Last spring I met someone who was unlike anyone else I'd ever met. Someone who showed me just how well two people could get along and how much I could care about another human being. Someone I know I could be with and love for the rest of my life, if I weren't so ****ed up. Amazingly, she liked me. She liked the shell of the man the darkness had left behind. But it didn't matter because I couldn't be alone with her. It was never just the two of us, it was always the three of us: her, me and the darkness. The closer we got, the more intensely I'd feel the darkness, like some evil mirror of my emotions. All the closeness we had and I loved was complemented by agony that I couldn't stand, from him. I realized that I would never be able to give her, or anyone, all of me or only me. She could never have me without the darkness and evil inside me. I could never have just her, without the darkness being a part of all of our interactions. I will never be able to be at peace or content or in a healthy relationship. I realized the futility of the romantic part of my life. If I had never met her, I would have realized this as soon as I met someone else who I meshed similarly well with. It's likely that things wouldn't have worked out with her and we would have broken up (with our relationship ending, like the majority of relationships do) even if I didn't have this problem, since we only dated for a short time. But I will face exactly the same problems with the darkness with anyone else. Despite my hopes, love and compatability is not enough. Nothing is enough. There's no way I can fix this or even push the darkness down far enough to make a relationship or any type of intimacy feasible.
So I watched as things fell apart between us. I had put an explicit time limit on our relationship, since I knew it couldn't last because of the darkness and didn't want to hold her back, and this caused a variety of problems. She was put in an unnatural situation that she never should have been a part of. It must have been very hard for her, not knowing what was actually going on with me, but this is not something I've ever been able to talk about with anyone. Losing her was very hard for me as well. Not because of her (I got over our relationship relatively quickly), but because of the realization that I would never have another relationship and because it signified the last true, exclusive personal connection I could ever have. This wasn't apparent to other people, because I could never talk about the real reasons for my sadness. I was very sad in the summer and fall, but it was not because of her, it was because I will never escape the darkness with anyone. She was so loving and kind to me and gave me everything I could have asked for under the circumstances. I'll never forget how much happiness she brought me in those briefs moments when I could ignore the darkness. I had originally planned to kill myself last winter but never got around to it. (Parts of this letter were written over a year ago, other parts days before doing this.) It was wrong of me to involve myself in her life if this were a possibility and I should have just left her alone, even though we only dated for a few months and things ended a long time ago. She's just one more person in a long list of people I've hurt.
I could spend pages talking about the other relationships I've had that were ruined because of my problems and my confusion related to the darkness. I've hurt so many great people because of who I am and my inability to experience what needs to be experienced. All I can say is that I tried to be honest with people about what I thought was true.
I've spent my life hurting people. Today will be the last time.
I've told different people a lot of things, but I've never told anyone about what happened to me, ever, for obvious reasons. It took me a while to realize that no matter how close you are to someone or how much they claim to love you, people simply cannot keep secrets. I learned this a few years ago when I thought I was gay and told people. The more harmful the secret, the juicier the gossip and the more likely you are to be betrayed. People don't care about their word or what they've promised, they just do whatever the **** they want and justify it later. It feels incredibly lonely to realize you can never share something with someone and have it be between just the two of you. I don't blame anyone in particular, I guess it's just how people are. Even if I felt like this is something I could have shared, I have no interest in being part of a friendship or relationship where the other person views me as the damaged and contaminated person that I am. So even if I were able to trust someone, I probably would not have told them about what happened to me. At this point I simply don't care who knows.
I feel an evil inside me. An evil that makes me want to end life. I need to stop this. I need to make sure I don't kill someone, which is not something that can be easily undone. I don't know if this is related to what happened to me or something different. I recognize the irony of killing myself to prevent myself from killing someone else, but this decision should indicate what I'm capable of.
So I've realized I will never escape the darkness or misery associated with it and I have a responsibility to stop myself from physically harming others.
I'm just a broken, miserable shell of a human being. Being molested has defined me as a person and shaped me as a human being and it has made me the monster I am and there's nothing I can do to escape it. I don't know any other existence. I don't know what life feels like where I'm apart from any of this. I actively despise the person I am. I just feel fundamentally broken, almost non-human. I feel like an animal that woke up one day in a human body, trying to make sense of a foreign world, living among creatures it doesn't understand and can't connect with.
I have accepted that the darkness will never allow me to be in a relationship. I will never go to sleep with someone in my arms, feeling the comfort of their hands around me. I will never know what uncontimated intimacy is like. I will never have an exclusive bond with someone, someone who can be the recipient of all the love I have to give. I will never have children, and I wanted to be a father so badly. I think I would have made a good dad. And even if I had fought through the darkness and married and had children all while being unable to feel intimacy, I could have never done that if suicide were a possibility. I did try to minimize pain, although I know that this decision will hurt many of you. If this hurts you, I hope that you can at least forget about me quickly.
There's no point in identifying who molested me, so I'm just going to leave it at that. I doubt the word of a dead guy with no evidence about something that happened over twenty years ago would have much sway.
You may wonder why I didn't just talk to a professional about this. I've seen a number of doctors since I was a teenager to talk about other issues and I'm positive that another doctor would not have helped. I was never given one piece of actionable advice, ever. More than a few spent a large part of the session reading their notes to remember who I was. And I have no interest in talking about being raped as a child, both because I know it wouldn't help and because I have no confidence it would remain secret. I know the legal and practical limits of doctor/patient confidentiality, growing up in a house where we'd hear stories about the various mental illnesses of famous people, stories that were passed down through generations. All it takes is one doctor who thinks my story is interesting enough to share or a doctor who thinks it's her right or responsibility to contact the authorities and have me identify the molestor (justifying her decision by telling herself that someone else might be in danger). All it takes is a single doctor who violates my trust, just like the "friends" who I told I was gay did, and everything would be made public and I'd be forced to live in a world where people would know how ****ed up I am. And yes, I realize this indicates that I have severe trust issues, but they're based on a large number of experiences with people who have shown a profound disrepect for their word and the privacy of others.
People say suicide is selfish. I think it's selfish to ask people to continue living painful and miserable lives, just so you possibly won't feel sad for a week or two. Suicide may be a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but it's also a permanent solution to a ~23 year-old problem that grows more intense and overwhelming every day.
Some people are just dealt bad hands in this life. I know many people have it worse than I do, and maybe I'm just not a strong person, but I really did try to deal with this. I've tried to deal with this every day for the last 23 years and I just can't ****ing take it anymore.
I often wonder what life must be like for other people. People who can feel the love from others and give it back unadulterated, people who can experience sex as an intimate and joyous experience, people who can experience the colors and happenings of this world without constant misery. I wonder who I'd be if things had been different or if I were a stronger person. It sounds pretty great.
I'm prepared for death. I'm prepared for the pain and I am ready to no longer exist. Thanks to the strictness of New Jersey gun laws this will probably be much more painful than it needs to be, but what can you do. My only fear at this point is messing something up and surviving.
—-
I'd also like to address my family, if you can call them that. I despise everything they stand for and I truly hate them, in a non-emotional, dispassionate and what I believe is a healthy way. The world will be a better place when they're dead—one with less hatred and intolerance.
If you're unfamiliar with the situation, my parents are fundamentalist Christians who kicked me out of their house and cut me off financially when I was 19 because I refused to attend seven hours of church a week.
They live in a black and white reality they've constructed for themselves. They partition the world into good and evil and survive by hating everything they fear or misunderstand and calling it love. They don't understand that good and decent people exist all around us, "saved" or not, and that evil and cruel people occupy a large percentage of their church. They take advantage of people looking for hope by teaching them to practice the same hatred they practice.
A random example:
"I am personally convinced that if a Muslim truly believes and obeys the Koran, he will be a terrorist." - George Zeller, August 24, 2010.
If you choose to follow a religion where, for example, devout Catholics who are trying to be good people are all going to Hell but child molestors go to Heaven (as long as they were "saved" at some point), that's your choice, but it's ****ed up. Maybe a God who operates by those rules does exist. If so, **** Him.
Their church was always more important than the members of their family and they happily sacrificed whatever necessary in order to satisfy their contrived beliefs about who they should be.
I grew up in a house where love was proxied through a God I could never believe in. A house where the love of music with any sort of a beat was literally beaten out of me. A house full of hatred and intolerance, run by two people who were experts at appearing kind and warm when others were around. Parents who tell an eight year old that his grandmother is going to Hell because she's Catholic. Parents who claim not to be racist but then talk about the horrors of miscegenation. I could list hundreds of other examples, but it's tiring.
Since being kicked out, I've interacted with them in relatively normal ways. I talk to them on the phone like nothing happened. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I like pretending I have a family. Maybe I like having people I can talk to about what's been going on in my life. Whatever the reason, it's not real and it feels like a sham. I should have never allowed this reconnection to happen.
I wrote the above a while ago, and I do feel like that much of the time. At other times, though, I feel less hateful. I know my parents honestly believe the crap they believe in. I know that my mom, at least, loved me very much and tried her best. One reason I put this off for so long is because I know how much pain it will cause her. She has been sad since she found out I wasn't "saved", since she believes I'm going to Hell, which is not a sadness for which I am responsible. That was never going to change, and presumably she believes the state of my physical body is much less important than the state of my soul. Still, I cannot intellectually justify this decision, knowing how much it will hurt her. Maybe my ability to take my own life, knowing how much pain it will cause, shows that I am a monster who doesn't deserve to live. All I know is that I can't deal with this pain any longer and I'm am truly sorry I couldn't wait until my family and everyone I knew died so this could be done without hurting anyone. For years I've wished that I'd be hit by a bus or die while saving a baby from drowning so my death might be more acceptable, but I was never so lucky.
—-
To those of you who have shown me love, thank you for putting up with all my ****tiness and moodiness and arbitrariness. I was never the person I wanted to be. Maybe without the darkness I would have been a better person, maybe not. I did try to be a good person, but I realize I never got very far.
I'm sorry for the pain this causes. I really do wish I had another option. I hope this letter explains why I needed to do this. If you can't understand this decision, I hope you can at least forgive me.
Bill Zeller
—-
Please save this letter and repost it if gets deleted. I don't want people to wonder why I did this. I disseminated it more widely than I might have otherwise because I'm worried that my family might try to restrict access to it. I don't mind if this letter is made public. In fact, I'd prefer it be made public to people being unable to read it and drawing their own conclusions.
Feel free to republish this letter, but only if it is reproduced in its entirety.
that's depressing, but it puts things in perspective. I read it all.
thanks.
--sent from my glacier.
Horrible that he got so constantly downed by his family and those around him that he never felt he could trust anyone enough to open up and tell what happened to him. I don 't know that he could have been helped because what he went through had to have been scarring beyond belief, but at least he may have had a chance.
At least the work he did left a positive impact on the world for a lot of people.
Is there a TL;DR version?
jaszek said:
Is there a TL;DR version?
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Skim it. Only version available, sorry.
Sent from my HTC Intruder
Bump. Definitely something worth reading.
This man needed Jesus so badly. It's heartbreaking to hear of things like this.
I hope it's not too intrusive of me to ask, I was just wondering because I know I'm not the only one on here that's medicating.
I take Wellbutrin XL and Abilify.
Abilify? You know that's in the Halidol family?
Unless you're schizophrenic don't use that junk!
That group of drugs is known to cause permanent neurological motor damage in some patients. That's not an exaggeration.
Nicotine is a better drug... cigars are delicious.
blackhawk said:
Abilify? You know that's in the Halidol family?
Unless you're schizophrenic don't use that junk!
That group of drugs is known to cause permanent neurological motor damage in some patients. That's not an exaggeration.
Nicotine is a better drug... cigars are delicious.
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They're both anti-psychotics, but Abilify is an atypical anti-psychotic while Haldol is a typical anti-psychotic. I can't, from the top of my head, tell you what the key differences are, but I just know Abilify has less side effects than Haldol does. I actually wanted to switch to Haldol months ago, but my prescriber couldn't prescribe me Haldol.
I am diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, depressive type. Being on anti-psychotics helps me feel "normal" again — I stupidly got off of my anti-psychotics for several months, and have just started taking them again.
If you don't have auditory hallucinations ie talking voices I ditch that class of drugs. In my wayward youth I tried Halidol, big mistake. One of the worst drugs I ever sampled.
Beware if you begin getting neck aches, stop taking it immediately. It's just god awful stuff if you don't -really- need it. They cross prescribe Abilify for depression which is reckless even advertised it for that.
Get your doctor onboard or find one that will listen to you. Again nicotine may be better with less side effects.
I'd take Provigil over Wellbutrin without thinking twice. Provigil is a fascinating drug, nearly transparent with almost no side effects. It's a mild antidepressant and it makes everything more interesting, colors look more intense and so on. It's a stimulant but doesn't raise your heartrate or bp. It will keep you effortlessly awake if taken when you should be asleep but if you wish to go to sleep you can.
Use only this derivative though as the later versions suck; Newvilgil feels like you drank way too much coffee.
blackhawk said:
If you don't have auditory hallucinations ie talking voices I ditch that class of drugs. In my wayward youth I tried Halidol, big mistake. One of the worst drugs I ever sampled.
Beware if you begin getting neck aches, stop taking it immediately. It's just god awful stuff if you don't -really- need it. They cross prescribe Abilify for depression which is reckless even advertised it for that.
Get your doctor onboard or find one that will listen to you. Again nicotine may be better with less side effects.
I'd take Provigil over Wellbutrin without thinking twice. Provigil is a fascinating drug, nearly transparent with almost no side effects. It's a mild antidepressant and it makes everything more interesting, colors look more intense and so on. It's a stimulant but doesn't raise your heartrate or bp. It will keep you effortlessly awake if taken when you should be asleep but if you wish to go to sleep you can.
Use only this derivative though as the later versions suck; Newvilgil feels like you drank way too much coffee.
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I have auditory hallucinations, as well as other types, but my biggest issue are the delusions. I'm sorry that you had a bad experience with Haldol. I've personally never really experienced any significant or major side effects with Abilify — tremors and lethargy were the two main issues, but they disappear over time.
I do think it's extremely irresponsible to use anti-psychotics for mood disorders (besides mood disorders with psychotic features) or even personality disorders when there are better medications they can prescribe that would work so much better, but because everything helpful is now scheduled, they shove bullsh*t drugs into people's mouths to "test them out first." I've been prescribed 15 different psychiatric medications, 24 different times, and 8/15 of those medications didn't work for me.
Psychotic disorders are serious illnesses, and more-so than not, people suffering from psychotic disorders or psychotic features tend to have a better quality of life when on anti-psychotics. I know a lot of people whose lives are unmanageable without the use of medications, and I know that I function much, much better when I'm medicating. I use nicotine as well, but nicotine isn't going to stop my persecutory delusions and apophenia.
I do agree with you, though — stimulants are amazing, but so is Wellbutrin (for me). Almost a decade of severe depression, and the only thing that has worked for me has been Wellbutrin. We just have different views because we've had different experiences and impairments.
I hear you. Rock and a hard place. Go with the lowest effective dose. After over 50 years you think they have something better.
One thing I can tell you is avoid alcohol; it will make things worse invariably over time if abused or if you're intolerant to it.
blackhawk said:
I hear you. Rock and a hard place. Go with the lowest effective dose. After over 50 years you think they have something better.
One thing I can tell you is avoid alcohol; it will make things worse invariably over time if abused or if you're intolerant to it.
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Yup, that's what I'm on. Too high of a dose made me useless — I couldn't function at all because I was always so tired.
And yeah, I'm not a big drinker, anyway.
None, and I've never did in my 66 years of life.
I take a dose of XDA in the morning and another half dose at evening. Other than that I have never took not even an aspirin and i hope i will never need any...
Rotting Brain said:
Yup, that's what I'm on. Too high of a dose made me useless — I couldn't function at all because I was always so tired.
And yeah, I'm not a big drinker, anyway.
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It's known for that. Use the minimum effective amount. Split pills if needed.
Halidol made me feel like I was in White Zombie.
Lol, be careful when sampling other people's meds kiddies...
Once tried some heart medication too, that was even less fun but stimulating
orb_selektor said:
I take a dose of XDA in the morning and another half dose at evening. Other than that I have never took not even an aspirin and i hope i will never need any...
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XDA Developers is pretty damn addictive, to be honest. [Just pretend like there's a laughing emoji here — I forgot how to add emoticons.]
blackhawk said:
It's known for that. Use the minimum effective amount. Split pills if needed.
Halidol made me feel like I was in White Zombie.
Lol, be careful when sampling other people's meds kiddies...
Once tried some heart medication too, that was even less fun but stimulating
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Yeah, it sucks that a lot of psychiatric medications has the side effect of lethargy. I'm on 10 MG of Abilify now, and while there's a bit of tiredness, it's not as bad as when I was on 15 MG. I kid you not, I would sleep up to 16 hours a day, and spend like 4 hours just trying to wake up.
Haha, did you use the heart medications with a recreational intent?
I don't take any of this. But I do have friends that are on all sorts of stuff.
I'm just happy that people can discuss this all openly now.
Now if they only invent a non-addictive sleeping pill that lets you jump out of bed in the morning I wouldn't have to be typing this at 2:30 AM.
Renate said:
Now if they only invent a non-addictive sleeping pill that lets you jump out of bed in the morning I wouldn't have to be typing this at 2:30 AM.
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Provigil is the one that you wanted... you can take it dead tired and effortlessly stay awake.
No jitters, just rested alertness plus. Even restores eye/hand reaction times. The kicker is after an hour or two if you got done what you wanted you can go into a normal sleep. One of the strangest drugs I've ever used. I experienced no side effects.
My experience is typical of its users.
Rotting Brain said:
Yeah, it sucks that a lot of psychiatric medications has the side effect of lethargy. I'm on 10 MG of Abilify now, and while there's a bit of tiredness, it's not as bad as when I was on 15 MG. I kid you not, I would sleep up to 16 hours a day, and spend like 4 hours just trying to wake up.
Haha, did you use the heart medications with a recreational intent?
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Try 5 or 7.5mg Use to minimum dose that works. Over time you may need to adjust it up or down slightly.
Again nicotine helps with reasoning and productivity. Depending on dosage it and independently, it calms and stimulates. Probably better in tobacco though as the other organic compounds modify it's effects.
Tobacco is also a anti inflammatory. Since I started smoking cigars I don't get tendonitis anymore. Of coarse it has it's down sides including relaxing the esophageal sphincter muscle, bad if you have a hiatal hernia, but otherwise calms the GI tract. As for cancer, best to not inhale the smoke or chew it excessively.
Tobacco has been given a bad name but there are good medicinal reasons it's been used for over a millennium. Exponentially better than coffee to keep you awake, it's saved my life more then once. A good cigar triggers memories from long ago you thought you had forgotten. Quite relaxing and pleasant.
It is also quite addictive especially if used before the brain matures which is in the late 20's perhaps 30's.
Long story but it was in with a box with pot, valium and such. So naturally I assumed it had to be something fun. The label wasn't clear to it's use giving the name and dosage instructions. Of course I took twice as much as indicated, adolescent SOP. It wasn't until latter (with heart fluttering) that I looked it up in Merck's Index. I quickly understood the error of my ways...
blackhawk said:
You can take it dead tired and effortlessly stay awake.
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But I can stay effortlessly awake, I just think of something that happened 20 years ago or what I'm going to code tomorrow or what's for lunch or ...
Full strength cigars keep the killer bunnies indolent for me.