Here's mine - I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.
What's yours?
Sent from my Nexus 7 using Tapatalk 2
There's already a joke thread...
Sent from my Kindle Fire
Lysdexic man walks into a bra.
063_XOBX said:
Lysdexic man walks into a bra.
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
I saw that joke on my anti-jokes app. Here are a few of my favorite anti-jokes.
1)Why didn't Grandma get Little Ben a Christmas present?
-Because she died on Thanksgiving
2)What did the blind, deaf, and mute kid get on Christmas?
-Cancer
3)"Mommy! Mommy! Can I have some cookies?"
"Sure! They're on the top shelf."
"But mommy, I have no arms."
"No arms, no cookies!"
Sent from my Kindle Fire
I took an IQ test and the results were negative. :laugh:
I passed my Hepatitis test with an A, B and a C.
If life throws you melons, you might be dyslexic.
Sent from my Kindle Fire
If this thread gets locked I'm gonna LOL.
Was that a good one liner?
Sent from my Nexus 7
Never enter a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
Easier than it sounds, harder than it looks.
Not mine, but still hilarious:
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
063_XOBX said:
Not mine, but still hilarious:
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
George Carlin, yes?
Easier than it sounds, harder than it looks.
TheSkinnyDrummer said:
George Carlin, yes?
Easier than it sounds, harder than it looks.
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
Mhm.
063_XOBX said:
Mhm.
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
I miss that guy.
Easier than it sounds, harder than it looks.
TheSkinnyDrummer said:
I miss that guy.
Easier than it sounds, harder than it looks.
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
I'll tell you who doesn't...God.
063_XOBX said:
I'll tell you who doesn't...God.
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
Doesn't matter. He worshipped Joe Pesci anyway.
Easier than it sounds, harder than it looks.
John Kerry walks into a bar. Bartender says "Why the long face?"
85gallon said:
John Kerry walks into a bar. Bartender says "Why the long face?"
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
A horse walks into a bar. The Bartender says "Why the long face?"
The horse replies "I have cancer."
Sent from my Kindle Fire
The last time i saw a face like yours it had a hook in it.
A book just fell on my head. I've only got my shelf to blame.
Archer said:
A book just fell on my head. I've only got my shelf to blame.
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
Boooooo. Get your coat!
How about:
87% of statistics are made up on the spot.
Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Related
You give very obscure hints about a movie, and the next person tries to guess...
Ill start with an easy one.
Soap Salesman...makes soap from fat stolen from medical waste (liposuction waste)
Fight Club.
Recovering from injury and has nothing but a pair of binoculars to help pass the time.
DirkGently1 said:
Fight Club.
Recovering from injury and has nothing but a pair of binoculars to help pass the time.
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
Rear Window?
Thats just a guess.
BTW, right on Fight Club
I got another...
A gorilla knows sign language....goes to africa
That signing gorilla would be Amy from "Congo."
Dredge said:
Rear Window?
Thats just a guess.
BTW, right on Fight Club
I got another...
A gorilla knows sign language....goes to africa
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
Rear Window it was. I see you are a man with taste.
Congo. (I read the Michael Crichton book!)
One man has his wallet stolen, the other refuses to hand it over.
"I want you to go in that bag and find my wallet."
"Which one is it?"
"It's the one that says 'bad mother*****'."
Congo is right! I thought id have you on that one. Damn...
Man....u got me on this one. Im feeling a Quentin vibe, but I cant put my finger on it. Lets see if anyone else knows....ill keep thinking in the meantime. I know ive seen it.
Edit...screw it...im gonna say Pulp Fiction. If im wrong, shoot me.
Also....next one....
Man runs through his dreams with his ex girlfriend to escape people trying to erase parts of his past from his memory. (btw, this is my all time favorite movie)
Others need to participate!
Sent from the bowels of my mind....
The adjustment bureau?
A clown haunts kids dreams and tries to kill them.
Sent from my HTC Desire HD using XDA Premium App
Dredge said:
im gonna say Pulp Fiction. If im wrong, shoot me.
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
Well played that man!
BazookaAce said:
The adjustment bureau?
A clown haunts kids dreams and tries to kill them.
Sent from my HTC Desire HD using XDA Premium App
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
IT (Read that too!)
Four teenage boys go on a journey of discovery, looking for a dead body
BazookaAce said:
The adjustment bureau?
A clown haunts kids dreams and tries to kill them.
Sent from my HTC Desire HD using XDA Premium App
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
Nope! Not Adjustment bureau.
Care to try again?
"Clementine Tangerine" (quote from the movie)
"Our files are confidential Mr. Barish so we can't show you any evidence. Suffice it to say, Miss Kruczynski was not happy and she wanted to move on. We provide that possibility."
Sent from the bowels of my mind....
DirkGently1 said:
Well played that man!
IT (Read that too!)
Four teenage boys go on a journey of discovery, looking for a dead body
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
Stand by me
Sent from the bowels of my mind....
Dredge said:
Nope! Not Adjustment bureau.
Care to try again?
"Clementine Tangerine" (quote from the movie)
"Our files are confidential Mr. Barish so we can't show you any evidence. Suffice it to say, Miss Kruczynski was not happy and she wanted to move on. We provide that possibility."
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
I had to look it up so i'll let somebody else come up with the answer. It was a movie i've not seen yet though.
Dredge said:
Stand by me
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
Stand By Me it was!
Dredges puzzler still stands....
Come on! Somebody has to have seen this movie!!!!
It stars a very geeky Mark Ruffalo.
This thread = Fail
Dredge said:
Come on! Somebody has to have seen this movie!!!!
It stars a very geeky Mark Ruffalo.
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
Let's get this back on track. Too many phillistines with no appreciation of the arts here!
Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind.
"It's 106 miles to Chicago, we got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses".
Ok, go...!
DirkGently1 said:
"It's 106 miles to Chicago, we got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses".
Ok, go...!
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
Blues Brothers
..... You better shape up, Tiger, before a hot-shot Jap pilot flames your arse! ...
Midway?
"You look like a radioactive tampon... like a banana with a yeast infection."
BazookaAce said:
Midway?
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
Yep, Charlton Heston.
Due to some problems they land in a different planet/moon. Later things go crazy when the eclipse begins.
Sent from my HTC Wildfire using XDA App
BazookaAce said:
Midway?
"You look like a radioactive tampon... like a banana with a yeast infection."
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
Moon iirc.
bharatgaddameedi said:
Due to some problems they land in a different planet/moon. Later things go crazy when the eclipse begins.
Sent from my HTC Wildfire using XDA App
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
Pitch Black?
Man sent up river to kill a rogue military officer.
DirkGently1 said:
Moon iirc.
Pitch Black?
Man sent up river to kill a rogue military officer.
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
Rambo? Lol
"i am the keymaster....are you the gatekeeper?" (said to a horse)
Sent from the bowels of my mind....
How and why has this crap become popular......let us petition for it to be banned from the internet
Sent from my SGH-T989 using xda premium
Although I feel I should lock this thread into oblivion, I wholeheartedly agree with the sentiment and therefore will simply post this....
IN BEFORE TEH LOCK!!!!
Sent From My Fingers To Your Face.....
Danial723 said:
How and why has this crap become popular......let us petition for it to be banned from the internet
Sent from my SGH-T989 using xda premium
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
yup. when lonely drunks and rants love each other very much, they make baby threads...
I fully agree. People complain about rubbish like Gaga and Beaver, but call Gangnam Style, which is just as crap, Music? Hypocrites, much?
TheSkinnyDrummer said:
yup. when lonely drunks and rants love each other very much, they make baby threads...
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
Too much information...
ShadowLea said:
I fully agree. People complain about rubbish like Gaga and Beaver, but call Gangnam Style, which is just as crap, Music? Hypocrites, much?
Too much information...
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
I have two daughters....I'm petrified of the actuality of such a conversation.
Sent from your mom.
Just saw a YouTube video of this. Where do I sign?
Sent from my SGH-T989 using xda premium
GTFO from the internet gangnam style
Sent from my Nokia 3310 using XDA App. I am a member of TDOT.
We could also petition against Justin Biever, Lady Gaga and Kaney West while we're here.
Sent from my premium potato
ALL dancing should be banned! It's fine if you're a 12 year old girl, but adults who dance look stupid. What on earth possesses people to randomly flail their limbs around in time to music??
I find it all a very peculiar phenomenon. Needless to say i would not be seen dead in any establishment where you might find people behaving in such a ridiculous fashion. (With the exception of my grave whereby people will probably dance upon it!)
DirkGently said:
ALL dancing should be banned! It's fine if you're a 12 year old girl, but adults who dance look stupid. What on earth possesses people to randomly flail their limbs around in time to music??
I find it all a very peculiar phenomenon. Needless to say i would not be seen dead in any establishment where you might find people behaving in such a ridiculous fashion. (With the exception of my grave whereby people will probably dance upon it!)
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
as a drummer, I strongly agree. I can play any (reasonable) beat known to man, but I can't dance worth a crap.
I occasionally tap my foot and move my head very slightly to music.
As for Gangnam Style, meh. Each to their own.
Archer said:
I occasionally tap my foot and move my head very slightly to music as I rhythmically lock threads.
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
Sent from your mom.
Archer said:
I occasionally tap my foot and move my head very slightly to music.
As for Gangnam Style, meh. Each to their own.
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
Early onset Parkinsons disease or Delirium Tremens. Either way you should see a Doctor! :silly:
DirkGently said:
Early onset Parkinsons disease or Delirium Tremens. Either way you should see a Doctor! :silly:
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
Funny you should say that actually. Not because of Parkinsons or DTs, but because I don't understand what's even meant to be funny about Gangnam Style. I was going to see my doctor about a bad case of solitude and loneliness. Either that or superiority. Not sure
DirkGently said:
ALL dancing should be banned! It's fine if you're a 12 year old girl, but adults who dance look stupid. What on earth possesses people to randomly flail their limbs around in time to music??
I find it all a very peculiar phenomenon. Needless to say i would not be seen dead in any establishment where you might find people behaving in such a ridiculous fashion. (With the exception of my grave whereby people will probably dance upon it!)
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
QFT because sometimes (quite often where Dirk is involved) a thanks is not enough.
Sent From My Fingers To Your Face.....
There may have been times in my not-so-distant past when i was so drunk that people may have mistaken my movements as something akin to dancing.
I can assure everyone that this was simply an attempt to walk in a straight line and nothing more!
DirkGently said:
There may have been times in my not-so-distant past when i was so drunk that people may have mistaken my movements as something akin to dancing.
I can assure everyone that this was simply an attempt to walk in a straight line and nothing more!
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
Ah that classic of drunken walks dance moves... The Crab.
Archer said:
Ah that classic of drunken walks dance moves... The Crab.
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
I thought that Crabs was what you got after too much close dancing with another person
SimonTS said:
I thought that Crabs was what you got after too much close dancing with another person
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
So, in a round about way, we have another reason why people shouldn't dance. Dancing directly causes STD's. Remember kids, just say NO to dancing! :silly:
Just because you don't understand what he says doesn't make it any less awesome.
Guys,
I forgot my wife's Birthday what should i do to make upto her?
Sign the divorce papers.
A new Mercedes or a diamond necklace should suffice.
And do mark the date on your calender for next year. lol.
A cookbook.
063_XOBX said:
A cookbook.
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
Ahh more sandwich recipies, I like your style.
Signing a death certificate is a better option LOL...
Come on guys a cookbook is not a option. Although i would love that sandwichs.
dude
Romantic dinner that you cooked for her?
Sent from my R800x using xda premium
Run.
Sent from my GT-N7000 using Tapatalk 2
ever been a time she forgot yours?
Quasimodem said:
ever been a time she forgot yours?
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
Never... To make things worse i asked her to silent her mobile at 12 in night, as she was getting messages obviously... How stupid of me.
4silvertooth said:
Never...
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
dang... you coulda used that... anything laying around looks like you just bought it?
Someting you could get for yourself, a good whore. Cause you ain't getting any for quite some time dude.
Don't bother with craigslist, torn up hoes. You need something to take your mind off the impending doom.
I know divorce ain't easy, I've been there. Watch War Of The Roses to get an idea. And take that advice for the next marriage.
Good luck.
A kitten. And cry saying that you couldn't find the right kitten for her in time for her birthday. Get the tears flowing.
Depending on your timezone the days not over yet... say you gotta take a dump you'll be right back... go pick something up... play it off...
Not sent from your phone...
Quasimodem said:
ever been a time she forgot yours?
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
LOL
Don't matter
I've tried that card
...bout all you do now is grovel on the floor for scraps of forgiveness.
It's a slow and painful recovery my friend...slow and painful...
Plus it's one her favor take it from a 30 year man here...her's count yours don't.
Pretend to have a heart attack and when you're in the emergency room, explain everything to the doctor. Your wife comes in to see you and there you are in a hospital bed with a present for her.
veeman said:
A kitten. And cry saying that you couldn't find the right kitten for her in time for her birthday. Get the tears flowing.
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
http://www.amazon.com/Kryolan-Tear-...1356237530&sr=8-1&keywords=kryolan+tear+stick
vasoline works for Glenn Beck
Invest in a lead codpiece.
Easier than it sounds, harder than it looks.
TheSkinnyDrummer said:
Invest in a lead codpiece.
Easier than it sounds, harder than it looks.
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
Ever heard of lead poisoning? A trauma plate is clearly what's needed.
I've never played this as I've only saw this idea recently.
It looks like fun and you guys seem to have a good sense of humour so what the heck... my first off-topic thread could be worse I guess
SO... make a caption for the avatar above you
zeppelinrox said:
I've never played this as I've only saw this idea recently.
It looks like fun and you guys seem to have a good sense of humour so what the heck... my first off-topic thread could be worse I guess
SO... make a caption for the avatar above you
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
Those boots...are on the stairway to heaven
Time to derail the thread, wth happened? I see only a Senior Member!
roofrider said:
Time to derail the thread, wth happened? I see only a Senior Member!
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
Just noticed that.
-Easier than it sounds, harder than it looks.-
TheSkinnyDrummer said:
Just noticed that.
-Easier than it sounds, harder than it looks.-
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
Politics and not being gentle enough on trolls, idiots and ingrates so the the collective IQ may continue to slide at record pace.
Caption: I need 6 more drumsticks
zeppelinrox said:
Politics and not being gentle enough on trolls, idiots and ingrates so the the collective IQ may continue to slide at record pace.
Caption: I need 6 more drumsticks
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
I see.
Now, your avatar...
"Yup, there's your problem."
-Easier than it sounds, harder than it looks.-
TheSkinnyDrummer said:
I see.
Now, your avatar...
"Yup, there's your problem."
-Easier than it sounds, harder than it looks.-
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
lol
"Ok class, how many tentacles am I holding up?"
zeppelinrox said:
lol
"Ok class, how many tentacles am I holding up?"
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
8 kids were screaming "a whole lotta love" when all hell broke loose.
-Easier than it sounds, harder than it looks.-
TheSkinnyDrummer said:
8 kids were screaming "a whole lotta love" when all hell broke loose.
-Easier than it sounds, harder than it looks.-
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
So what if you're all thumbs... I'm all tentacles!
zeppelinrox said:
So what if you're all thumbs... I'm all tentacles!
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
LOL boom.
Sent from my Nexus 7
veeman said:
LOL boom.
Sent from my Nexus 7
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
Very Manly
Cry, Benihime!
I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti.
I told you Helium wasn't flammable.
Anyone want to play stratego? I have stratego.
Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-T989 using xda premium
Where's my head?
"I almost knocked over your beer"
"I wonder what size tires I can put on this thing."
-Older than I look, younger than I feel.-
"Feel the pain"
Cry, Benihime!
"Why doesn't anybody take I, Pin-Stripes Jones seriously as a pimp? "
063_XOBX said:
"Why doesn't anybody take I, Pin-Stripes Jones seriously as a pimp? "
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
Ehehehehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehueh.
Sent from my Nexus 7
Hey So for me Prom is next year!
I wanted you guys to share what you have done to ask a girl to Prom or what ever special dance in your own way!
Grand or small anything is good!
Click here ! really helps me out!
http://highonandroid.com/contest/?id=50
Not you again.
-kcco-
TheSkinnyDrummer said:
Not you again.
-kcco-
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
he's very cool ya know.
also,
all you need is some vodka and a gun, prom's all yours
deathnotice01 said:
he's very cool ya know.
also,
all you need is some vodka and a gun, prom's all yours
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
No, i mean, I said that to the girl that asked me to prom a second time.
-kcco-
We already have a relationship advice thread.
You could fake your own death, and then ask her out.
Ichigo said:
You could takes your own death, and then ask her out.
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
Worst. Plan. Ever.
ShadowLea said:
Worst. Plan. Ever.
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
In what way? :sly:
Ichigo said:
In what way? :sly:
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
well his life aint no bollywood movie.......
@OP..man up and ask her out...the worse she can do is reject your proposition.
Ichigo said:
In what way? :sly:
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
Well. It tends to result in getting yelled at, a broken nose, sore ribs and more angry yelling. And before you ask, I may or may not be talking from experience.
CnC-ROCK said:
well his life aint no bollywood movie.......
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
'Faking your own death' is not exactly a Bollywood invention. *Muses* Actually, I think Doyle (and thus the British) has first rights on that particular cliché. Also the invention of Fanmail-spam. :laugh:
Tell her that you are pregnant and then force her that this is your last wish.
CnC-ROCK said:
well his life aint no hollywood movie.......
@OP..man up and ask her out...the worse she can do is reject your proposition.
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
Ftfy. No such thing as Bollywood.
Ichigo said:
Ftfy. No such thing as Bollywood.
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
Bollywood exists. It isn't exactly like Hollywood. Hollywood is a city of it it's own, but Bollywood = Mumbai/Bombay.
ak700 said:
Bollywood exists. It isn't exactly like Hollywood. Hollywood is a city of it it's own, but Bollywood = Mumbai/Bombay.
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
Nah man. Don't even. Like I would believe there's a place called bomb bay.
you can do it the easy way or the hard way.
easy way: just ask her.
hard way: hire an assassin to threaten her and make her go with you else something bad happens to her
Buy an expensive car, and get lost of money. Then they will start asking you.
I have a plan.
SPIDERMAAN!!111
VeryCoolAlan said:
Hey So for me Prom is next year!
I wanted you guys to share what you have done to ask a girl to Prom or what ever special dance in your own way!
Grand or small anything is good!
Click here ! really helps me out!
http://highonandroid.com/contest/?id=50
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
Leave a trail of boxes with balloons in them starting from her house. Each one has a word written on it. Something along the lines of "Will. You. Go. To. Prom. With. Me. -Your Name"
And then at the end of the trail of boxes are two large boxes labeled Yes and No. You can sit in the yes box with some flowers.
veeman said:
Leave a trail of boxes with balloons in them starting from her house. Each one has a word written on it. Something along the lines of "Will. You. Go. To. Prom. With. Me. -Your Name"
And then at the end of the trail of boxes are two large boxes labeled Yes and No. You can sit in the yes box with some flowers.
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
What is this, I don't even....
Sent from my Nexus 4 using xda premium
veeman said:
Leave a trail of boxes with balloons in them starting from her house. Each one has a word written on it. Something along the lines of "Will. You. Go. To. Prom. With. Me. -Your Name"
And then at the end of the trail of boxes are two large boxes labeled Yes and No. You can sit in the yes box with some flowers.
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
haha super idea :good::good::good: