I see you getting stressed and pressed in every way..these are jokes from every where I found.if this is anyway abusive..I am sorry.and that goes to the site I got from.
this list is from listverse...
Jokes 1-10
1. A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, “This is
your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll
do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as
you can say it in three words.” The guy replies, “Hey,
why not?” He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and
one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the
bar, and says, slowly: “Paint…my…house.”
2. A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, “Doc, my
brother’s crazy, he thinks he’s a chicken.” The doctor
says, “Why don’t you turn him in?” The guy says, “We
would. But we need the eggs.”
3. A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the
patrons, “Here’s a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth
and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his
mouth for one minute, then open it, and I’ll remove my
unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks.”
The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts
his privates in the gator’s mouth. Gator closes mouth.
After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs
the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens
wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed.
Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: “I’ll pay
anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.” After a
while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It’s a
woman. “I’ll give it a try,” she says, “but you have to
promise not to hit me on the head with the beer
bottle.”
4. Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit
around the breakfast table. The mother asks the
oldest boy what he’d like to eat. “I’ll have some
****in’ French toast,” he says. The mother is outraged
at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs.
She asks the middle child what he wants. “Well, I
guess that leaves more ****in’ French toast for me,”
he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him
away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he
wants for breakfast. “I don’t know,” he says meekly,
“but I definitely don’t want the ****in’ French toast.”
5. A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent
scount. “This dog can speak English,” he claims to
the unimpressed agent. “Okay, Sport,” the guys says
to the dog, “what’s on the top of a house?” “Roof!”
the dog replies. “Oh, come on…” the talent agent
responds. “All dogs go ‘roof’.” “No, wait,” the guy
says. He asks the dog “what does sandpaper feel
like?” “Rough!” the dog answers. The talent agent
gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his
patience. “No, hang on,” the guy says. “This one will
amaze you. ” He turns and asks the dog: “Who, in
your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all
time?” “Ruth!” goes the dog. And the talent scout,
having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto
the street. The dog turns to the guy and says “Maybe
I shoulda said DiMaggio?”
6. A guy has a parrot that can sing and speak
beautifully. He takes it to the synagogue on Rosh
Hashonah and makes a wager that the bird can
conduct the High Holiday service better than the
temple’s cantor. When the big moment comes,
though, the parrot is silent. The guy is outraged. He
takes the bird home and is about to kill it when the
bird finally speaks: “Schmuck! Think of the odds we’ll
get on Yom Kippur!”
7. A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. “Father
O’Malley,” he says, “my name is Emil Cohen. I’m
seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I’m currently
involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side,
her 19 year old sister. We engage in all manner of
pleasure, and in my entire life I’ve never felt better.”
“My good man,” says the priest, “I think you’ve come
to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?” And the
guy goes: “I’m telling everybody!”
8. Two hunters are out in the woods when one of
them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and
his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his
phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps:
“My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says:
“Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s
dead.” There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says: “OK, now what?”
9. A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. “There must be
some mistake,” the lawyer argues. “I’m too young to
die. I’m only fifty five.” “Fifty five?” says Saint Peter.
“No, according to out calculations, you’re eighty two.”
“How’s you get that?” the lawyer asks. Answers St.
Peter: “We added up your time sheets.”
10. Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is
bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into
town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten miles
to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who
is delivering a baby. “I can’t leave,” the doctor says.
‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X
where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on
the ground.” The guy ruins back to his friend, who is
in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?” the victim asks.
“He says you’re gonna die
reserved for jokes
some another
for more
even the above are not enoigh
For even more jokes, please see our dedicated Joke thread here http://forum.xda-developers.com/showthread.php?t=384841.
This thread is closed...
Related
Lady : Is this my train?
Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi.
Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.
Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.
A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery.
The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order."
The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your honor, I'll have a
scotch and soda."
Customer : If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Delhi in two days time?
Post Master : Yes sir, it definitely will.
Customer : I bet you, it won't.
Post Master : Why not?
Customer : It's addressed to Mumbai.
An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist.
'My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.'
'How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist.
'How long has what been going on?' said the man.
Girl : Do you love me?
Boy : Yes Dear.
Girl : Would you die for me?
Boy : No, mine is undying love.
1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions.
Man : How old is your father?
Boy : As old as me.
Man : How can that be?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born.
Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the field"
Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field
Teacher : How?
Student : Ladies first.
Waiter : I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer : Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.
Customer : Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?
Waiter : Can't you tell the difference by taste?
Customer : No, I can't.
Waiter : Then does it really matter?
Customer : Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter : Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.
Customer : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter : That's all right sir, he won't drink much.
Customer : Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter : So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?
Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea cup?
Waiter : I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.
Customer : Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
Waiter : Funny? But then why aren't you laughing?
Teacher : Peter, why are you late for school again?
Peter : Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and the game went into extra time.
lol, nice jokes and thx for sharing it.
I especially like the "how old is your father" one and the "dinner choices' one
Really GOOD jokes, im LMAO!!!!
thanx for sharin' buddy..
My turn...
Q: How many software developers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Sorry dude, that's a hardware problem.
A man walks into a bar with a haddock under his arm and asks "Do you sell fish cakes?".
"Sorry but no", comes the reply.
"That's a shame", says he, "It's his birthday".
Old joke but funny (and about the only clean one i know !)
A guy walks in to a bar, grabs a stool and orders a drink. He takes a few sips when suddenly he hears a small voice say "thats a nice shirt", he looks round but theres nobody sitting by him, so he thinks nothing of it and starts drinking again, a few minutes later he hears "oh what a great tie" again he turns but again there's no one about, the barman sees him looking about and asks "problem sir ?" the guy tells the barman he keeps hearing a voice, the barman smiles and says "don't worry mate its just the complimentary nuts"
Forum members...
How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to
condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is
perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
How do I change a lightbulb?
You forgot the 6 that complain about the cost of changing a light bulb and want it done for free for them. And the 4 that tell the complainers "If you don't like the cost, then live in the dark."
...and the 287 that wait until the lightbulb has been changed and then ask when the next lightbulb will be fitted
Re: Lightbulb
You Lightbulb guys are amazing, one gotta look at the extent of your imagination, hats off to u, buddies. Love to b a part of this community.
Adieu..
Lightbulb...
...and then 1 weirdo (me) will post about what happed to the lightbulb when he got the mad idea of shocking the lightbulb with a taser gun before fitting it... hehe, I looks freakin cool guys, the electricity runs up and down between the wires and you can see little flames on each side!!
rohitsharman said:
You Lightbulb guys are amazing, one gotta look at the extent of your imagination, hats off to u, buddies. Love to b a part of this community.
Adieu..
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
Hehe, I love my imagination and it loves me.. mix that with my signature (see below) and you'll be well on your way to a very interesting and fun filled life!!
It's an honour for me to also be part of this community!!
Addicted...
You know you are addicted to the Internet when...
You kiss your girlfriend's home page.
Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3.
And even your night dreams are in HTML.
You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au
Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.
You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.
You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
All of your friends have an @ in their names.
When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
Your dog has its own home page.
You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.
You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.
You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
You get a tatoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 2.01 or higher."
You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP...because you never log off.
The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.
You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.
py2o|\|oI|) said:
You know you are addicted to the Internet when...
You kiss your girlfriend's home page.
Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3.
And even your night dreams are in HTML.
You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au
Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.
You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.
You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
All of your friends have an @ in their names.
When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
Your dog has its own home page.
You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.
You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.
You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
You get a tatoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 2.01 or higher."
You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP...because you never log off.
The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.
You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
Good one, mate.
I think, i already have some of these symptoms in me..
....
rohitsharman said:
Good one, mate.
I think, i already have some of these symptoms in me..
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
Then there's a good chance that you also have the following symptoms...
You can't sit through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.
You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends", but you forget to send your father a birthday card.
In computer shops, you eavesdrop on a salesman talking with customers, butt in to correct him and spend 20 minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesman stands by silently, nodding his head.
You back up your data every day.
On holiday, you read a computer manual and turn the pages faster than those who read John Grisham novels.
You go to trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you can't give someone directions to your house without looking up street names.
You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.
You understand all these jokes.
If so, technology has taken over your life. We suggest you go lie under a tree and write a book.... and don't use a laptop!!
….I myself have a few of the above mentioned symptoms and it’s nothing to cause feelings of unworthiness, in fact I’m actually damn proud of it because that is what sets us apart from the human race, we’re part a breed with unique minds that surpasses those of normal beings and that makes our way of living much more advanced…. The end.
In computer shops, you eavesdrop on a salesman talking with customers, butt in to correct him and spend 20 minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesman stands by silently, nodding his head.
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
I do that at Best Buy all the time. They should higher smarter people!
py2o|\|oI|) said:
Then there's a good chance that you also have the following symptoms...
You back up your data every day.
You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
ha ha ha, i liked the 2nd one, and i do take a backup everyday.
My girl phoned me the other day and said..."Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home
Tech Support...
The tech support problem dates back to long before the industrial revolution, when primitive tribesmen beat out a rhythm on drums to communicate:
This fire help. Me Groog
Me Lorto. Help. Fire not work.
You have flint and stone?
Ugh
You hit them together?
Ugh
What happen?
Fire not work.
Make spark?
No spark, no fire, me confused.
Fire work yesterday.
You change rock?
I change nothing
You sure?
Me make one change.
Stone hot so me soak in stream so stone not burn Lorto hand. Small change, shouldn't keep Lorto from make fire.
*Grabs club and goes to Lorto's cave*
*WHAM*WHAM*WHAM*WHAM*
Let some steam off and tell us what makes you go crazy.
That buzzing sound speakers make when someone calls you or when you receive a text message.
Cars that jump right in front of you then accelerate slooooooowly when you arrive at 90 km/h
You know what really grinds my gears?
This Lindsay Lohan. Eh? Lindsay Lohan with all those little outfits, jumping around there on stage, half naked with your little outfits. Ya know? You're ou... You're out there jumping around and I'm just sitting here with my beer. So, you know, what am I supposed to do? What do you what do you, what do you want? You know, are we gonna go out? Is that what you're trying to - why why are you leaping around there, throwing those things all up in my, over there in my face? What do you want, Lindsay? Tell me what you want? Well, I'll tell you what you want, you want nothing. You want nothing. All right? Because we all know that no woman anywhere wants to have sex with anyone, and to titillate us with any thoughts otherwise is - is just bogus.
Perhaps not all related to my ears but...
- The old lady in a great sports car driving at 40Km/h
- The corrupt policeman
- The long lines to pay for something on Xmas
- Posts like this (joking)
And so on.....
orb3000 said:
- The old lady in a great sports car driving at 40Km/h
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
Or anyone getting the best version of something they will barely use, like old people getting the V6 engine in their awesome Camry and rolling at ridiculously slow speeds or my father getting a N97 when he only phones people, no texts or anything.
Also, people getting what you are saving for without even asking or requiring it. Looking at you and your 32GB iPhone, babe. It's alright, I still love you.
Just about everything, I would list them all but I'm sure there is a limit of characters I would go over.
-Those people that get in groups in a long hallway, blocking your passage through that walk at 1mi. an hour
-That one guy that when your driving is slow, but as soon as you pass him speeds up, gets in front of you, and slows down.
-That stupid gmail animation in my extension on chrome, i can turn it off but that requires clicks
-Clearing my history after months, and then finding out I needed a page and can't find it
-Bots on Twitter
-Answering some same stupid question in the same hour
-Having a cluttered bookmark bar
-That door that squeaks just a little too loud
-That feeling that someone is watching you at all times
-Being told I'm wrong, then they go back and find out I was right
-Having to correct my teacher's grammatical errors
-Accidentally hitting the caps lock instead of shift
-Having to press the 'fn' button to get the F(1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11, & 12) keys
-Arguments over the stupidest things
-Apple
-Apple's iPad
-Apple thinking the iPad is the best thing since fire
-Using the word Apple
-That stupid pillow fight on Facebook, it's a wall posting of empty promises
-Writing extremely long posts
-Knowing nobody is gonna make it this far
-That shampoo that smells really bad
-Washing a cup to use it but forgetting to do that last rinse and get that taste of meaty soap in your drink
-Having to cha-cha in the cha-cha slide
-Pressing on my G1 screen and hearing a creak (fixed)\
-Having to explain why my phone is better than a stock G1
-Having to talk to Apple fanbois
-Having to listen to fanbois think they had a feature first, when they didn't
-Having to hear about Steve Gods
-Having that one app that won't update ever
-People who write in all caps
-People who don't capitalize
-People who don't make use of paragraphs
-Ppl who typ n txt tlk
-Being asked why they can't type like that
-My mousepad randomly dies and needs to be jump-started by pressing really hard and furious-like for 30 seconds
-Not being able to afford a Nexus
-People who tease with the nexus, like being teased by an expensive hooker
-People who add extra vowels in words (okaaaaaaaaay)
Having to go back and edit things
-Getting 200 text messages out of unlimited a month
-Using more data than talk time
-Did I mention Apple fanbois?
Let's see here...
-When you ask your wife (whom you know is upset) if everything is okay, and she says "yes" as she's furiously slamming the dishes in the washer.
-Wife/girlfriend telling you to stop the car because she is so upset with you not doing what she wants, then getting mad at you when she does go home walking...even though you did what she wanted...
-Women that look pregnant, though they're not (don't dare tell me that has never happened before)
-Really, really having to use the restroom (public one) only to walk into what seems to wreak like a dying skunk. Courtesy flush people...
-People with awesome phones, and only use them to make phone calls.
-iPhone users without a data plan...
-Going through Mcdonald's and ordering a big mac meal and realizing that THEY FORGOT THE FREAKING STRAW!!!!!
-People that actually drive at 10 and 2...they scare me
-Stepping in wet dog poop...at least that's what you hope it was...
-Managers that like to rub their title in employees faces
-backstabbers
-Cheeto cheese that gets stuck inside your nails...
-Car spare donut tire...why can't they just put a full size spare?
-Girl scouts trying to sell you cookies outside a grocery store
-Getting hit in the groin (at the top of my list)
-When you walk outside in the freezimg cold to pick up your mail and you receive nothing but junkmail
-Guys with really girly voices
-Flashing to a ROM update only to realize that it's faulty and buggy and that you were better off with the one you had before...
-Chipotle
When UPS is driving up and down your road every damn day (around noon), and the day you're expecting a package, they're NOWHERE to be found... until 6:59PM when they practically doorbell ditch your package there.
You know what really grinds my gears? People in the 19th century. Why don't they get with the freakin program? It's called an automobile, folks. It's much faster than a horse!
You know what really grinds my gears? Nobody's come up with a new priest and a rabbi joke in like thirty years. Ya know? I mean, okay, ah, umm. Priest and a rabbi go, go onto the supermarket, and, uh, the priest wants to buy a ham. And the rabbi says, "Ah, I can't eat it. It's forbidden." Couldn't eat it. Not allowed, pigs are like superheroes to them. Is it perfect? No, but I, I don't see you coming up with anything.
beaner69 said:
You know what really grinds my gears? People in the 19th century. Why don't they get with the freakin program? It's called an automobile, folks. It's much faster than a horse!
You know what really grinds my gears? Nobody's come up with a new priest and a rabbi joke in like thirty years. Ya know? I mean, okay, ah, umm. Priest and a rabbi go, go onto the supermarket, and, uh, the priest wants to buy a ham. And the rabbi says, "Ah, I can't eat it. It's forbidden." Couldn't eat it. Not allowed, pigs are like superheroes to them. Is it perfect? No, but I, I don't see you coming up with anything.
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
Okay...thought I didn't have this one...
noobies with lame jokes.
When you are playing football in a sports hall and someone kicks the ball to the side and you kick it back (like everybody does) and then you get shouted at and kicked in the thigh
That does me head in!!!
So i get shouted out for what everybody does anyway!!!!!!
WANK**S!!!
FLYBOY
"- The long lines to pay for something on Xmas"
well buy them online!
"- The corrupt policeman"
well buy them online!
Rudegar said:
"- The long lines to pay for something on Xmas"
well buy them online!
"- The corrupt policeman"
well buy them online!
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
The moderator that closes threads all too easily-
well bribe them online!
*nudge nudge*
*wink wink*
*$5 handshake*
telegraph0000 said:
Let's see here...
-iPhone users without a data plan...
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
Some of us just want an iPod Touch with the phone and GPS. In my case I've got Wi-Fi at home, at school, at work and at my girlfriend's house. Canadian carriers charge an arm for data.
Useless classes in cegep (college). I don't need 3 semesters of philosophy, 1 of phys. ed and 4 of litterature, I just want to play with ******* computers!
Rudegar said:
"- The long lines to pay for something on Xmas"
well buy them online!
"- The corrupt policeman"
well buy them online!
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
Lol!!
- You took out the pleasure of seing people on a shopping mall
- Can you buy the Mexican police please?!!!!
[rant] If there's one thing that annoys me beyond belief, it's people who bring too many items into the 12 Items or Less Express Lane. IT'S NOT THAT DIFFICULT TO SEE WHEN YOU HAVE MORE THAN 12 ITEMS IN YOUR BASKET. Yet, people insist on taking too many items into the Express Lane, and because the people who do so are usually very stubborn, you often end up waiting the offender to argue with the checker about what constitutes an item, and whether they really have more than 12 items. After they inevitably lose this argument, they then must gather all their things back up and move to a different line, at which point the checker could have already served 2 or 3 customers instead of dealing with an insane person who can't do basic arithmetic.[/rant] Much better
- When my parents don't let me do anything with my friends.
- When I accept something on FACEBOOK and it shows fake pictures that "I uploaded"
- When my butt itches like right now and i can't itch it!
What makes me mad is when people have their music playing super loud in their car, and to make things worse there windows are rolled down also!!!!!!!!
Digging your car out of 2 freaking feet of snow, making the sorroundings (and your car) nice.and clean only to have your.retard neighbor clean their snow off their car and block your drivers side!!!!!! DARN YOU WILSON!!! DARN YOU TO HECK!!!!! Expect a burning paper bag on your front porch!!!!!
Wall Street's total disconnect with Main Street!
Everyone posts a joke in this thread. Let's go~
Me first：
A man always cuts cheese when he wakes up every morning. His wife is unable to bear that anymore ，so she tells her husband："If you keep doing that, your bowels will be blown out from your body someday"
Of course her husband dosen't believes her words.He keeps farting every morning.
One morning,wife woke up while her husband was still in bed .She went to the market and bought some chicken and some chicken bowels.When she went back home , her husband was still sleeping. At that moment, an evil idea came into her mind. She filled all the chiken bowels into her sleeping husband's underwear then went into the kitchen.
After a moment ,her husband woke up with a scream and rushed into the bathroom. The woman was so glad that she punished her husband successfully.
30 mins later, her husband went out form the bathroom .
"You are right, honey. I am so sorry ,I didn't follow your words. That horrible thing just happend." Said the husband. "But now everything is all right ! I used my fingers and some petroleum jelly ,I think I just put all my bowels back into my body!"
i would give some but youd have to put up a disclaimer against depravitty on the thread title
I heard this one on the radio:
Have you heard of the octo-mom special going on at Denny's?
It comes with 14 eggs, no sausage and the guy next to you is footing the bill.
did anyone hear bout the dyslexic who walked into a bra?
no??
oh well anywy the other one then
theres this guy called jeff goes into a rooftop bar and orders a pint he starts drinking it
another guy comes over and says scotch is better, it can make you fly so jeff says of course it cant
so the other guy down a scotch and jump out the window and then walks back in minutes later
so jeff asks how does that work, the guy explains that if you down it fast it rasies body temperature therefore hot things rise and you float to safety
so the guys bins the pint orders a scotch drinks it, jump out the windows and smashes into the floor outside
the barkeep tuts looks round at the guy who manged yto complete the challenge and says "superman you really are a wanker when ur drunk"
Im a dyslexic agnostic insomniac...
I stay awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.
A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him kind of funny but decides to serve him anyway. He asks "Mr. Skeleton, what can I get you?". the Skeleton says "I'll have a beer and a mop".
Irish bloke goes for a job interview as a blacksmith.
Blacksmith asks "so then son, have you ever shoe'd a horse before"??
Irish bloke then replies "NO but I once told a donkey to F**K off"
I thank you.......
What do you do if you see a spaceman.................
Park in it man.....
I tried to walk into Target but I missed.
Q:Why did the Pope cross the road?
A:He crosses everything! (no offense to Catholics but I don't find this offensive and I'm Catholic.)
Guy: You want to hear a joke?
Friend: Sure.
Guy: Women's Rights (no offense to women)
Guy: You want to hear a joke?
Friend: Sure.
Guy: Civil Rights (no offense to people that find this offensive.)
Guy: You want to hear a joke?
Friend: Sure.
Guy: Steve Jobs
Guy: You want to hear a joke?
Friend: Sure.
Guy: iPad
Guy: You want to hear a joke?
Friend: Sure.
Guy: Apple's products
Knock Knock
Who's There
I eat mop
I eat mop who (sounds like I eat my poo if said aloud)
Q:Why do midgets laugh?
A: The grass tickles their balls.
If a bunch of midgets do the wave, would it be called the ripple?
She was only the admirals daughter, but her navel base was filled with discharged seamen...
Post the lamest jokes you can think of, and lets ROFL everyone!
I'll start:
What did the fish say when it hit the wall?
"Dam!"
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it wanted to go to the other side.
Swyped from my HTC Sensation
Two cupcakes are sitting in an oven. One cupcakes turns to the other and says, "Man, it's hot in here." The other one looks at him and shouts, "AHHH!!!! A TALKING CUPCAKE!"
A horse walks in a bar and the bar tender asks him "why the long face?"
A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says "we can't serve your kind here". So the mushroom says "ah c'mon I'm a fun guy!"
What does a menstruating robot use to catch the bleeding?
An iPad.
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well........It's not unusual........."
What is a grasshopper's favorite sport?
Cricket.
Two oranges walk into a bar. One turns to the other and says, "You're round".
idavid_ said:
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it wanted to go to the other side.
Swyped from my HTC Sensation
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
This is so stupid I lol
Sent from my SGH-T959 using XDA App
I realize not a lot of you are rap fans like I am, but I still think every geek should check this song, it's by rapper Lupe Fiasco about marketing schemes, and technology. 1st verse being about Apple products, 2nd verse being about sneakers. I'm interested about your opinion on this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tzm1l7V1uqE
Lyrics:
[Intro]
Really?
This is what you guys been doing?
Seriously?
[Hook 1]
Before daybreak there were none
And as it broke there was one
From moon to sun, it goes on and on
The winter battle was won
The summer children were born
And so the story goes on and on
Come on woman in your life beats
Those we buried with the house keys
Smoke and feather where the fields are green
From here to eternity
Become a woman in your own time
Far, far, far from the virgin vine
Rise on out from the dead leaves
Come back to me
Oh, she sings her favorite song
Left with tears and dreams, it goes and then on
[Verse 1]
Standing in line for the new one
Not the black, but the blue one
And I don't even know what it do, son
But Steve Jobs said that it's too fun
Fun in abundance' what I need
It's cold out here, put my arms in the sleeves
I'll probably lose my place if I leave
But I really need to pee
If I do it right here they'll see
Makes you wonder, how do snipers
Marathon bikers
Next time: diapers
They say it has all new features
Faster processors and much better speakers
Great for kids, a necessity for teachers
For work or home
A revolutionary way of being alone
I mean, should we really get a loan?
Hey what's the matter, just tell it to your phone
Cupertino heart with Chinese parts
Built by the poor, but designed by the smart
They opening the door so you go
On your mark, get ready, set, buy
Imagine a world where everything starts with an ‘i’
But it still ends with a die
Probably got an app for that, you could try
From the iClouds, right into the great Wi-Fi
Siri, can iGod really hear me?
"Does not compute – can you repeat more clearly?"
"Woaaaaah"
[Hook 2]
A vessel in the bloodline
A thirteenth Zodiac sign
A stitch in time, it goes on and on
Become a woman on your own time
Far, far, far from the virgin vine
Rise on out from the dead leaves
Come back to me
Oh, she sings her favorite song
Left with tears and dreams, it goes and then on
[Verse 2]
Standing in line for some new Ones
Had a bunch of blessings but I blew them
Asked Google how to use them
They sent me to a section ‘bout used guns
New runs, nuns'll scream, moms with jeans
Match their teens' jeans and genies who try to chew gum
Aw man, it's so confusin’
Confusion in the bun is what I have
Good thing that God accept cash
Maybe buy my way up out His wrath
Skeptically, why am I way up off this path?
Atheism's cheaper, and accepts Visa
My thoughts as I'm queuing up for sneakers
Won't discriminate – I’m getting all eight
In every color that they make
Beaverton hearts with Chinese parts
Built by the poor and designed by the smart
On your mark, get set, cop ‘em!
Imagine a life that revolves around shoppin’
Conspicuous consumption
That means it serves no other function
But to show off to someone, or others
Who only try to show off to you – look at your fellow loyal customers
Isn't harmony great?
Look at all these friends that marketing makes
How many fries can these arteries take?
I'll give McDonald's a little help here
I think they should expand into healthcare
And then you'll have all ends covered
Even make caskets, have it all umbrella'd
Can you make the corporation fear me?
"Couldn't hear your order, can you speak less clearly?"
[Hook 3]
That which was put in the ground
Will someday come back around
From dust to dust it goes on and on
Before daybreak there were none
And as it broke there was one
And still the story goes on and on
Click to expand...
Click to collapse
So, what do you guys think?
Lot of Lupe's stuff is on point, but this was extra whack. You owe me about five minutes back =p
You were on your way home when you died.
It was a car accident. Nothing particularly remarkable, but fatal nonetheless. You left behind a wife and two children. It was a painless death. The EMTs tried their best to save you, but to no avail. Your body was so utterly shattered you were better off, trust me.
And that’s when you met me.
“What… what happened?” You asked. “Where am I?”
“You died,” I said, matter-of-factly. No point in mincing words.
“There was a… a truck and it was skidding…”
“Yup,” I said.
“I… I died?”
“Yup. But don’t feel bad about it. Everyone dies,” I said.
You looked around. There was nothingness. Just you and me. “What is this place?” You asked. “Is this the afterlife?”
“More or less,” I said.
“Are you god?” You asked.
“Yup,” I replied. “I’m God.”
“My kids… my wife,” you said.
“What about them?”
“Will they be all right?”
“That’s what I like to see,” I said. “You just died and your main concern is for your family. That’s good stuff right there.”
You looked at me with fascination. To you, I didn’t look like God. I just looked like some man. Or possibly a woman. Some vague authority figure, maybe. More of a grammar school teacher than the almighty.
“Don’t worry,” I said. “They’ll be fine. Your kids will remember you as perfect in every way. They didn’t have time to grow contempt for you. You wife will cry on the outside, but will be secretly relieved. To be fair, your marriage was falling apart. If it’s any consolation, she’ll feel very guilty for feeling relieved.”
“Oh,” you said. “So what happens now? Do I go to heaven or hell or something?”
“Neither,” I said. “You’ll be reincarnated.”
“Ah,” you said. “So the Hindus were right,”
“All religions are right in their own way,” I said. “Walk with me.”
You followed along as we strode through the void. “Where are we going?”
“Nowhere in particular,” I said. “It’s just nice to walk while we talk.”
“So what’s the point, then?” You asked. “When I get reborn, I’ll just be a blank slate, right? A baby. So all my experiences and everything I did in this life won’t matter.”
“Not so!” I said. “You have within you all the knowledge and experiences of all your past lives. You just don’t remember them right now.”
I stopped walking and took you by the shoulders. “Your soul is more magnificent, beautiful, and gigantic than you can possibly imagine. A human mind can only contain a tiny fraction of what you are. It’s like sticking your finger in a glass of water to see if it’s hot or cold. You put a tiny part of yourself into the vessel, and when you bring it back out, you’ve gained all the experiences it had.
“You’ve been in a human for the last 48 years, so you haven’t stretched out yet and felt the rest of your immense consciousness. If we hung out here for long enough, you’d start remembering everything. But there’s no point to doing that between each life.”
“How many times have I been reincarnated, then?”
“Oh lots. Lots and lots. An in to lots of different lives.” I said. “This time around, you’ll be a Chinese peasant girl in 540 AD.”
“Wait, what?” You stammered. “You’re sending me back in time?”
“Well, I guess technically. Time, as you know it, only exists in your universe. Things are different where I come from.”
“Where you come from?” You said.
“Oh sure,” I explained “I come from somewhere. Somewhere else. And there are others like me. I know you’ll want to know what it’s like there, but honestly you wouldn’t understand.”
“Oh,” you said, a little let down. “But wait. If I get reincarnated to other places in time, I could have interacted with myself at some point.”
“Sure. Happens all the time. And with both lives only aware of their own lifespan you don’t even know it’s happening.”
“So what’s the point of it all?”
“Seriously?” I asked. “Seriously? You’re asking me for the meaning of life? Isn’t that a little stereotypical?”
“Well it’s a reasonable question,” you persisted.
I looked you in the eye. “The meaning of life, the reason I made this whole universe, is for you to mature.”
“You mean mankind? You want us to mature?”
“No, just you. I made this whole universe for you. With each new life you grow and mature and become a larger and greater intellect.”
“Just me? What about everyone else?”
“There is no one else,” I said. “In this universe, there’s just you and me.”
You stared blankly at me. “But all the people on earth…”
“All you. Different incarnations of you.”
“Wait. I’m everyone!?”
“Now you’re getting it,” I said, with a congratulatory slap on the back.
“I’m every human being who ever lived?”
“Or who will ever live, yes.”
“I’m Abraham Lincoln?”
“And you’re John Wilkes Booth, too,” I added.
“I’m Hitler?” You said, appalled.
“And you’re the millions he killed.”
“I’m Jesus?”
“And you’re everyone who followed him.”
You fell silent.
“Every time you victimized someone,” I said, “you were victimizing yourself. Every act of kindness you’ve done, you’ve done to yourself. Every happy and sad moment ever experienced by any human was, or will be, experienced by you.”
You thought for a long time.
“Why?” You asked me. “Why do all this?”
“Because someday, you will become like me. Because that’s what you are. You’re one of my kind. You’re my child.”
“Whoa,” you said, incredulous. “You mean I’m a god?”
“No. Not yet. You’re a fetus. You’re still growing. Once you’ve lived every human life throughout all time, you will have grown enough to be born.”
“So the whole universe,” you said, “it’s just…”
“An egg.” I answered. “Now it’s time for you to move on to your next life.”
And I sent you on your way.
-The End
You shouldn't have a window in your head man, birds might peck at your brain.